


Safe

by TheSecretAccomplice



Category: Cow Chop, The Creatures (Youtube RPF), novahd - Fandom
Genre: DanzNewz - Freeform, ImmortalHD, Kootra - Freeform, M/M, NovaHD - Freeform, SSOHPKC - Freeform, UberHaxorNova - Freeform, goldenblackhawk - Freeform, the creature hub - Freeform, thedextermanning, yabaecip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 01:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 88,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4647453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSecretAccomplice/pseuds/TheSecretAccomplice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aleks is in a damaged state once a tragic event is placed upon him. With the fear, stress, and constant paranoia, it's up to James to help Aleks return to a normal life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: Setting Me Straight?

Chapter 1:Setting Me Straight?

 

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A BRIEF MENTION OF RAPE, DO NOT READ IF THE SUBJECT UPSETS, OR DISTURBS YOU**

(Aleks' POV)

"I should've known you would come back drunk." I angrily told Nate who stared at me with dark eyes. He had a scowl on his face as he leaned himself against the door frame to stop from falling. 

"Why do you always have to start shit?" Nate asked me in a taunting tone. I could smell the alcohol on his breath as he pushed past me and into my apartment.

"I'm not starting shit! You left hours ago for no fucking reason at all, and now you expect me to let you back in when I know you're drunk as hell?!?" I shouted, slamming the door.

Nate and I have been dating for a little over a month, but ever since our first disagreement, things started going downhill. We fought constantly and they always turned out the same way: either I leave if it's at his place, or he leaves to the bar when we argue here. He never once did come back the same night, though. This was new for him, he'd usually come back the next morning with a hangover and apologize for being such a tool.

But, his apologies were never sincere.

"What? I can't have a drink every now and again?!?" He shouted, leaning himself against the kitchen counter.

"You can have a drink every now and again, but I hate it when you drink until you're drunk every God damned night!" I shouted back, turning to face him in the kitchen. I don't even know why I fell in love with him.

"Yeah, well, maybe you're the reason I drink!" Nate retaliated, slamming his fist against the kitchen counter, causing me to jump.

"I'm not the reason for any of the shit you do! And I don't want to be a part of it either!" I screamed, tired of anything he has ever pulled. "I don't want to see you anymore!"

Nate glared at me as he stopped dead. He didn't move at all and just stared at me with his cold eyes. "You think that we should break up?" He sternly asked, not taking his uncaring eyes off of me.

I was too petrified to speak again, afraid of what Nate would do. He was unpredictable right now, I didn't want him to lose his temper. I nodded my head as a response, ensuring what I meant. I was sick and tired of his bullshit, and I didn't love him.

Did I ever love him...? Or, was I just blinded by his midnight eyes? His shaggy hair? His deceiving smile? His broad personality...

...his ever-changing, bitter, bi-polar personality...?

"Well you know what I think?" Nate condescendingly asked, a hidden meaning in his voice. There was something else in his eyes, something off. I was frozen in place, terrified of what he would do or say. "I think you're an idiot who needs to be set straight."

He quickly walked towards me, a look of pure disgust on his face. He threw a fist at me, causing me to collapse onto the floor. I felt the blood start to fall from my lip, he had busted it open. I whimpered in pain as I heard his footsteps draw nearer and another punch thrown at me.

I cried out in pain, feeling blow after blow crash against the side of my face. The blood continued to pour from my lip, the burning sensation wouldn't end. "Please! S-Stop! I-I'm sorry, please..." I begged through my sobs. My lungs singed from breathing so heavily. 

"Fuck you, Aleks!" Nate yelled, punching me one last time. He backed away and panted as I just lay there, helpless. My face ached, the already forming bruises pulsating as well did my lip. It all hurt so much, the pain from the abuse, the fear of Nate, the tears of misery and agony.

I was just so scared...

I thought Nate was finished with his damage, but I was wrong. He was far from done. I felt Nate grip hand hand around my wrists, tugging me up quickly and forcefully. "Get over here." He harshly instructed, pinning my hands behind my back. His grasp tightened, I knew it would leave marks.

So many marks...

He pulled at my hair with his other hand as he pushed me into my bedroom. I was completely powerless, I couldn't free myself from him. He slammed the door with his foot before pressing me hard against my bed, my tears seemingly ceaseless, as well as the pain.  
"No! Please! D-Don't! Don't, please! S-Stop!" I cried out over and over as I felt his hand start to roughly pull down my shorts. "No! No! No! I-I'm sorry! Please! Please stop! Please!

"...please..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

I was curled in a ball on the left side of the bed, staring at the wall. The tears kept rolling down my face, my breaths small and quiet. My body ached and scorched, it hurt all over. I was afraid to remove my eyes from the wall, or myself from his position. My vision was blurred, blinking only made it worse. I was traumatized, paralyzed with fear.

Everything hurt.

I didn't move as I heard Nate sit up from the bed and start to get dressed. "You know what, Aleks?" He stated, stepped away from the bed. "You are fucking worthless." He sighed. "You're so weak, you didn't even put up a fight. Pathetic." I closed my eyes tightly as I bit my top lip, trying ever so hard to stop from crying right then and there. "Fucking pathetic." He harshly repeated as I heard him slowly exit the room. I jumped once I heard the front door shout loudly with a bang. I just lay there for a few moments longer, still terrified to move. He may have left, but his torture would never leave my body nor mind. It was there to stay, I would always be reminded of him.

Of this.

I let out a loud, long cry. I inhaled sharply before letting out another. And another. It was all I could do, cry from the agony. He had hurt me so much, I didn't know he was capable of doing such things. That he would do such things. To hurt someone so much, so badly.

To hurt me so much.

So badly.

I finally found enough courage to lift my head up after what seemed like hours of crying. I sniffled when I looked around, my room was completely dark. Guess I was there for longer than I thought... I placed my head back onto my pillow for a minute longer before sitting myself up. I groaned as I sat, my backside burning. I took a few deep breaths as I closed my eyes, calming myself before I stood up. I leaned myself against the nightstand as I rose, whimpering through the pain surging throughout me. 

I pulled up my boxers and shorts to my waist before shakily walking to the bathroom. My fingers trembled when finding the light switch, I let out a few quiet sobs. I winced once the sudden stream of light flooded the area around me, I had been sitting in darkness for quite a while. Well, not really sitting...laying injured and aching with pain radiating from...everywhere. I slowly stepped foot into my bathroom, quivering as I stood in front of the mirror and looked up.

So, this was his idea of setting me straight?

I had a few bruises on the left side of my face, a large one forming just above my neck. My eyes trailed down to my cut lip, it being covered in dried blood. I reached inside of my medicine cabinet and grabbed a pad of gauze and dampened it with antiseptic spray, I placed it to the mark and hissed with pain as the two made contact. I took a deep breath before trying again, lightly dabbed the cut with the cloth. The cloth absorbed most of the blood as I continued to clean my lip and a few drips that had fallen down my chin.

I sniffled as I finished, taking another look into the mirror. I then noticed a mark on my right wrist. I placed the cloth down and examined the pink mark on my arm. I felt new tears stain my eyes as I noticed the mark was in the shape of a hand. 

His hand. From when he pinned them behind me...

I took a huge gasp of air as I looked away, focusing on the floor to my right. It took a couple more minutes to tranquil myself before noticing something red on my back. I tilted my head to see it the best I could, realizing what it was.

A scratch.

It wasn't the only one.

I gently placed my hand on top of it, flinching when my hand touched it. He did that to me...

I gulped as I turned off the light to the bathroom as I slowly exited. Upon leaving, I turned my head slightly to meet my bedroom. The room where...it...happened. I stared at it a while longer, the thrown pillows, the the tossed blankets, the strewn sheets...the now off-place mattress...

I walked up to the room and shut the door, never wanting to see it again. Never wanting to step foot into it again. I couldn't...not after something like that... I sighed as I walked cautiously away from it, making my way cautiously to the couch. I moaned as I sat down, everything was so sore. I closed my eyes, letting out a few shaky breaths.

I then found myself grabbing my injured wrist and rubbing it nervously. I held it close to my chest as I continued this action, vigorously rubbing my lesion. I was alone, nobody here to help me. Nobody heard, nobody came, nobody helped.

Nobody stopped what was happening to me. And I couldn't myself.

I didn't remember him being so strong, he never acted that way around me. I didn't remember him being so demanding, he never forced me to do anything. He didn't appear the abusive type, he always avoided arguments and violence. But, I guess it was all a lie. He never really loved me, and leaving me after what he did to me just proved it.

I aimed my head down and opened my eyes, revealing my phone on the coffee table. I should call someone, get some help. But...what if Nate comes back? What if he hurts me after finding out that I called for help? What if help doesn't keep him away?

What if he's coming back to finish the job right now?

I looked away from my phone and to the left of me. I needed help, but whenever I went to grab the phone, I was always terrified that Nate would storm back in here. He would see the phone in my hand and...

I was living in fear. No one could help me.

I noticed a basket of laundry on the couch from earlier, before...all of this. Back when I was happy, back when I was brave, back when I wasn't terrorized and could live a care free life. That should be enough clothes to last me, I don't want to have to go back in that room...I don't want to be reminded...I don't want to see.

I fell back onto the couch, pulling a nearby blanket on top of me. The darkness of my living room engulfed me, leaving me feel ever more abandoned. More vulnerable. More hopeless.

He was right...I am an idiot.

I should've never started dating him. I shouldn't have let my guard down, I was so stupid. This was my fault, I'm the reason it happened. I found a complete stranger to rely on, and he wasn't who I thought he was. he was cruel, sinister, harmful. I trusted him...now, look at me...

I am worthless.

I deserved this, this woe and distress. All of those bruises, the red marks, the blood shed, the scratches. The physical and sexual abuse... I confided in someone unknown and this was the consequence. Such a painful consequence...

I am weak.

I couldn't free myself from him. No matter how many times I tried tugging away, pulling myself down, trying to stop him, he would always hurt me worse in return. I wasn't in control, I couldn't stop this. I couldn't fight back, I was just too feeble.

I thought over my words as I slowly fell asleep and agreed to one last thing.

I am pathetic.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

I screamed when I woke up, I had the worst nightmare imaginable. Nate came back, he was drunk again. I was still curled up on the bed, scarred and suffering. He kept muttering about how useless and miserable I was. I couldn't move, all I could do was just listen to the things Nate threatened to do to me. How much he wanted to hurt me, and how much he enjoyed seeing me aching. And he laughed when I started to cry...

I sat up quickly, groaning a bit due to my soreness. I sighed loudly while dipping my head down, remembering that yesterday actually happened. The bruises were still there, so were the scratches, the cut lip, the ruined bed in the other room, the red mark on my wrist, the memories.

The far too prominent memories...

I shook my head slightly, yearning for them to stop replaying in my mind. I needed to get away from this fear, this darkness looming over me. This pain consuming me, inside and out. I needed something to distract me, help me return to a somewhat normal life.

But how can I return from...that...?

I slowly stood up from the couch, yawning lightly as I did so. I knew what I needed, I needed to go to the office. The others would relieve me of the true terrors I was facing. Their fun, vibrant, enjoyable personalities would ease me...for a while. Until I had to return back here...

...to Hell...

I chose an outfit for the day from the hamper of laundry. I got dressed rather gradually, groaning every time I moved a part of me that was sore. Most of the pain was in my legs, lower back, and bottom. I grabbed my phone off of the coffee table once fully prepared and dressed, and carefully walked out of my apartment.

I turned around the locked the door, but didn't move. I had to make sure that if Nate were to come back, that he wouldn't be able to get past the front door. I unlocked it and locked it again, jostling the doorknob just to make sure. I stared at the door again, panic running through me. Was it actually locked? I placed the key in the keyhole once more. Unlocked. Locked. Unlocked. Locked. Unlocked.

Locked?

"Pathetic..." Nate's words replayed again in my mind. "Fucking pathetic..."

I turned away from the door swiftly, making my way out of the building and to my car, slowly since everything still hurt. I sat down in the driver's seat as I shut the door, leaning my head against the seat, I sighed lightly and closed my eyes, calming myself before I drove.

I can't believe what happened...every type of pain I endured...every punch...every tightened grip...every insult...every demand...every scratch...every painful thrust... It was all so horrible, but I'm the only one to blame. I was too weak to stop it, I let it happen to me.

Why couldn't I just stop it...?

I sat up in my seat and pulled away from the building, heading towards the office heedfully. I remained calm the entire way, amazed that I didn't have a panic attack or break down sobbing while I remembered what I went through. The car ride was silent, just like how last night wasn't. I was grateful for the quiet, though. It was better than Nate's angered yells, and my screams and pleads for help.

Much better.

I sighed once more as I turned a right, feeling uncomfortable about not telling the guys. It felt like betrayal, something personal and horrific happened to me, and I was keeping them in the dark about it. My closest friends were about to be lied to...Seamus..Jordan...Dex...Kevin...Dan...Joe...Spencer...James...

...James...

As much as I felt guilty, I knew I wouldn't be able to let them know. I was terrified, what if Nate came back? The true horror I experienced was too much for me, I wouldn't be able to tell them. It would be too hard...

...I am weak...

I gently opened my car door and stepped out once in the parking lot of the office. I stared up at the building, how I wish I could smile. This place brought me such happiness, but right now, I was just going here to feel safe.

Safe? What's that?

I opened the door and took a deep breath upon entering, Nate wouldn't be able to get me here...I hope... I walked down the hallway, and found myself standing just in front of the office door. I looked up at it, pushing away tears. My eyes trailed down to the doorknob as I placed my hand on top of it. 

Locked...?

I languidly opened the door, the break room was empty. Good, no one to question me. Just yet. I took a few steps in and closed the door behind me silently. The sound of the door closing made me feel protected, I was enclosed within a force field, nothing could get to me. Until I stepped out...

"Hey, Aleks!" I heard Jordan greet me in his usual tone, he must have been in the kitchen. I turned around and faked a smile, nodding as a response. His expression, though, changed to one of worry once he examined my face. "Aleks, what happened to you?" He cautiously asked, walking nearer to me to get a better look. He placed his hands on my shoulder and I flinched a bit. 

"O-Oh, it's nothing." I lied as Jordan took his hands off of me. "Last night while getting out of my car, I accidentally hit myself in the face with the door." I forced a laugh.

It was as if Nate were telling me to do these things, lie to cover up the true pain. To hide the real reason for those marks. To conceal what was eating away at me.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Better watch out next time." Jordan sympathized, believing my ruse. He patted my back playfully before walking back to the kitchen, my back singed with sensitivity. Luckily, h e didn't see my pained expression. I walked to my personal office, trying to seem casual aside my cut lip, column of bruises, and my now burning back.

I had to deal with the questions for the rest of the day, everyone seemed so concerned. If only they really knew...I'm so sorry that they can't... I had to listen to Dex asking how I felt. The truth: simply terrified. Terrified of tomorrow. Terrified of tonight. Terrified of the transfer between each minute. I had to hear Kevin pandering to see if I was still in pain. Yes...yes I was. So much pain...incurable pain... I had to answer the same questioned on how it happened for Seamus.

"I told you, I got out of the my car, and held onto the door to hoist myself up. When I pulled on it, it swung back and knocked me onto the seat, and that's how I got the bruises, and lip, and yeah." I summed up for what seemed like the fiftieth time.

"You're an idiot, you know?" Seamus sarcastically jokes, leaving my office.

I sure am an idiot, that wasn't what happened. I tried getting rid of the one thing causing such distress in my life, but it only caused more along with terror, fear, panic, and worry. Not to mention...pain...

I had to sit through meaningless conversations with Joe about when the bruises would fade. Never...never... I was forced to let Jordan try and lake care of my bloody lip. But, there was no point. Damage was done. Damage was done... I had to deal with Dan checking up on me every once in a while. Every time he knocked on my door, I jumped in my chair. I had to weasel my way out of Spencer's accusations of my change in personality. 

"W-What do you mean?" I asked, looking away from my computer monitor.

"You just seem, I don't know, quieter. You doing okay?" Spencer asked, leaning against the threshold. 

I nodded my head, humming as I did. "Yeah, I'm fine." I lied. I was doing terrible, flinching at every movement I heard. My wrist was redder, I was rubbing it anxiously, so much. My mark covered the original mark.

"Okay," Spencer began, seeming uneasy, "but, if you ever need to talk to someone, I'll be happy to listen." He told me, giving me an assuring smile.

I returned with a smile myself, although it was forced. "Thanks, Spencer, but I think I'm okay." With that he waved and walked back to his office.

I felt guilty hiding the truth from them, but I was too scared to let them know what really happened. I wouldn't be able to say it, the memories were too harrowing...I never felt so culpable.

And I felt even worse when James saw me. 

"Aleks?!?" I heard James shout from the far end of the office. "Aleks, where the fuck are you, you asshole?!?" Any other day, I would be annoyed by James' yells, but right now, they were another thing that shielded the horror away. For now...

I heard him enter my office, me leaving the door open as I was tired of shuddering whenever somebody knocked.

Nate...is that you there...?

"Aleks do you wa-" He cut himself off mid sentence as I looked up at him, he seemed so confused. He stared at me for a moment longer, fret visible in his eyes. "Aleks, w-what happened?" James asked sincerely, stepping farther into my office.

"Accidentally hit myself in the face with the car door." I chuckled pointing at the bruises. "It's a short story, bit I don't want to repeat it again. Seamus made he say it a million times today." I faked a smile.

It felt so wrong to lie to James. My closest, dearest, most valued friend was being deceived. Why did I have to be so timorous?

"Are you alright?" He carefully asked, stepping behind my desk and next to me. I had never seen him so calm before, he was usually up and about, laughing or taunting everyone and thing. This wasn't like him, it made me feel more unsteady.

"Yeah, I'm okay." I reassured, nodding my head. "You don't have to worry about me, James, I'm alright."

He vaguely shook his head, his eyes looking away from mine as they fixated on something to my right. I tilted my head in the direction to which he was staring to see him looking at my wrist. The wrist I had tried so hard to cover with my jacket sleeve was now revealed, showing the red silhouette covering it.

"Where'd you get that?" He quietly asked, his eyes darting back to mine frantically.

"I-I, uh, I..." I stuttered. "I don't know! Maybe-Maybe I got that during the car door, too. I'm not ex-exactly sure." I lied, hearing my voice break multiple times. I covered my wrist up hastily while explaining, making sure no redness was visible. "C-Could you, uh...could you leave...me a lone for a little bit? I-I need to record some more CS:GO." 

He looked down at my concealed wrist one last time, then back at me with sot eyes. "A-Alright..." He agreed, making his way back towards the door. Before leaving, he turned around one last time, his caring eyes studying me. "I...I'm sorry..." He apologized, taking a small breath. James looked down again before turning a corner and disappearing.

I closed my eyes and swallowed, scared to think that James almost found out. I knew it would be too hard for me, I had already been through too much. I couldn't tell them, I wouldn't be able to relive the pain I went through, the torture I experienced, the aftermath of trying to return to normal.

I felt my wrist become raw again as I rubbed it nervously and violently, stronger than before. The pain wouldn't dissipate, my life wouldn't return to how it was, I would never be safe. Now, safe seemed like an illusion, a dream that would never become a reality.

Safety was a lie.

 

 

I lived a life of pure fear for three days after the incident.


	2. Chapter 2: The Strong One

(James' POV)  
He wasn't alright.  
may have said that he was, but I knew different. I knew he was lying, possibly to cover up something extremely personal. Something perhaps too terrible, scarring, frightening. Something too hard to talk about.  
But, something that needed to be said.  
I was downright scared once I saw those marks on Aleks' face. He told me not to make a big deal out of it, but the deal became greater once I noticed a red mark on his wrist. Ever since I saw that mark, I knew the car door story was a lie. Something else happened, something that Aleks was avoiding. The pink mark wasn't my only evidence.  
After leaving his office, I saw Aleks try to calm himself, taking a few breaths and closing his eyes tightly. He then suddenly starting gripping at his wrist, kneading it harshly. So, that was what the mark was from... He stayed like this for a few minutes, taking deep breaths while rubbing his wrist strenuously.  
He had a few more episodes like this over the course of three days. Just sitting at his desk, eyes closed, inhaling sharply and exhaling loudly. He whimpered from time to time, he seemed so...petrified. Petrified? Of what?  
Something else had to have happened.  
I had enough. Too many questions were filling my mind, too many worries, too many concerns. I cared for Aleks, a lot. I was frightful for him, something happened to him and he wouldn't tell anyone. Why, I'm not sure. But, I needed to find out. Watching Aleks suffer from a distance was killing me as well, I needed to do something about it.  
I needed to figure out what happened, this had been going on for three days too long.  
After finishing recording at the office, I didn't go directly home. Aleks was already at his place, I was headed there. I was troubled about him, worrying while wondering what he went through. What happened. What he experienced.  
I wonder where those bruises really came from...  
I pulled up beside the apartment building, sighing as I did so. As I turned off my car, I soon started to second guess me coming here. I'm being too nosy, this isn't my business. Aleks has the right to keep to himself, he's allowed to have secrets. He's allowed to have a personal life.  
Apparently, the message didn't quite inform my feet to stop moving, as I walked out of the car and into the complex. I hope Aleks is okay..., I thought to myself, starting up the stairs. I really do hope he's alright, he seemed so panicked. I wonder what about. I sighed, trying to calm my nerves. I really hope he's okay.  
Even though I was scared for him, I was a bit flustered with his lying. Not only did he tell me the car door story, he told everyone else, too. We were his best friends and he was tricking us, letting us believe his lies as he worried about the truth. What was the truth? I was sick of not knowing, and I wasn't about to let all of this go.  
I stood in front of Aleks' door and knocked a little louder than intended. My angered side was overtaking me, upset by the fact that Aleks lied to us. Lied to me. I'm not sure why, but it broke my heart. He didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth, and it made me feel horrible inside. Horrible, but frustrated. Extremely frustrated.  
"W-Who is it?" I heard Aleks quietly ask, he sounded afraid. I shouldn't have knocked so hard...  
"It's me, James." I replied, trying to dial down my annoyance. I heard Aleks walk to the door slowly and unlock it. Suddenly, all noise stopped for awhile, it seemed as if Aleks just stopped moving altogether. I was about to knock again just as the door opened gradually, revealing Aleks who wore an uneasy expression.  
"James, uh, what-what are you doing here?" Aleks questioned, pushing the door fully open.  
"What really happened to you three nights ago?" I sternly asked, getting directly to the point while walking into the apartment. Aleks seemed nervous while I walked in, he really was hiding something.  
"Wh-What are you talking about?" Aleks innocently wondered, slowly shutting the door, his back to me.  
"Three nights ago you said you got hit by your car door accidentally, but how do you explain the reason of why you've been acting so strangely?" I rambled on, hearing my voice raise a bit higher. "I've seen you, you have these moments where you need to calm yourself down, why? Something else happened that night, those bruises aren't from your car."  
"They-they are, I told you, it was an-an accident with the d-door." Aleks began to stutter, his voice almost becoming a mumble.  
"That's bullshit! Stop lying! I know something else happened, so stop lying to cover it up! You've been acting so differently, like you're scared of something! What is it? Why?" I pried, the anger inside of me had won. Aleks didn't reply, he stood there awkwardly, rubbing his wrist aimlessly. He stared down at the floor in front of me, not daring to meet my eyes. "Why?!?" I asked again, stomping my foot down. My action caused Aleks to flinch away, a whimper escaping his lips.  
"Please don't yell." He whispered, holding his wrist closer to him. His voice trembled as he spoke, his words shaky, almost unheard. Seeing Aleks like this caused the anger to disperse, I was making him more afraid than he already was. I sighed, unclenching my fists and relaxing my fingers.  
"I-I'm sorry for shouting..." I apologized, seeing Aleks' eyes look up into mine for a slight moment. His eyes read fear and dismay, he just needed someone to help him. Someone to understand and listen to him. Someone...to hug...to hold.  
He needed comfort.  
What happened to him...?  
"Just...Aleks. I know something else happened, whenever you talk about the car door incident, something seems off. You seem off. I know something happened and you're not telling us. You're not telling me. But, I need you to. Please, I-I just need you to tell me, I need to know." I explained, changing to a calming, mollifying tone.  
Aleks didn't move nor look back up at me. I wished I didn't see the tears forming in his eyes. The only movement he made was rubbing his wrist. Why did he do that? That habit started...three days ago...  
"Please, just tell me what happened. If something bad happened to you, I can help you. I want to help you, but I can't until you tell me the truth." I felt tears start to sting my eyes as I spoke. "Just please, Aleks. Please, please tell me what happened that night." I pleaded, my voice now becoming a whisper as well.  
Aleks sighed silently as he listened to my words. He closed his eyes as he nodded his head. "Okay..." He muttered, his voice, again, breathless. He sniffled lightly. "Okay." He repeated, opening his watery eyes and staring back into mine.  
I gestured my head towards the couch for him to follow. "Come on." I instructed, taking ahold of one of his hands gently. His hand shook in mine. He slowly trailed behind me and made his way to the couch, sitting down slowly while letting out a groan. He adjusted to his seat as I kneeled down in front of him, looking at him with tender eyes.  
I cared for him...so much...  
I sighed. "What happened, Aleks?" I simply asked in a soothing voice. He sighed as he closed his eyes again, a few tears rolling down his pale cheeks. "It's-it's okay. Take your time." I informed him as he swallowed.  
"T-Three nights ago...," Aleks started, his voice weak, "Nate and I g-got into a...another fight and, uh..., he-he left and w-went to the bar." He paused, sighing again. "He...he came back a-a f-few hours later, around nine or so. He was-was drunk...just like he always was almost every night..." He whispered. "We-we started bickering a-again and...," He inhaled loudly, biting down his quivering lip. "And I told him that I-I didn't want to-to, uh, see him anymore and...and..." He stopped, shaking his head.  
"It's alright, Aleks." I reassured him, waiting patiently for him to continue.  
He cleared his throat. "And, and he said that I was-was an idiot. An idiot that n-needed to be set straight and...he-he walked up to me and he," He sighed unsteadily, a few more of his tears fell. "He punched me...hard. I-I fell onto the-the floor, he busted open my lip..." His voice broke as he stroked the cut on his lip with his fingers delicately. "There was a lot of blood...but, he-he wasn't done.  
"He...he kept punching and punching and punching...it hurt s-so much...I couldn't defend m-myself...," He paused again, regaining control of his breathing. "Then, then he...he p-pulled me up by my arms r-roughly. It really hurt...," As he murmured this, I, myself, was pushing back tears. Aleks was beaten by his boyfriend, the marks were so horrible... "He-he pinned m-my arms behind me..." Aleks rubbed his wrist again.  
That was why he did that...  
"He-he pushed me into t-the other room and he...he pushed me down and he-" He stopped himself from continuing, biting at his lip hard. He let out a few quiet sobs, clutching at his wrist tightly. "He...h-he...r-raped me..."  
I couldn't stop tears this time, I just them fall. I fell back slightly, holding onto the coffee table for support. I felt the air escape my lungs as I stared at the ground in disbelief. No...no, not...not Aleks...no, this couldn't have happened to Aleks...he's so innocent, he doesn't deserve to go through that...no, not Aleks...  
I couldn't speak, I just let the tears run down my face. Aleks was raped, that was what he was hiding. Something so horrible, something so touchy. I don't blame him for not telling me...it's so hard to talk about.  
"He raped me..." Aleks repeated through his sobs, holding his wrist even closer. "E-Every time I would try to get away, he w-would scratch me or-or hurt me even more...I-I was so scared..." He took a deep breath. "And...and a-after, he c-called me worth-worthless and...wea-weak, and-and p-pathetic..." His voice cracked "T-Then he just left. He just l-left me there, I was just so scared...I-I am scared. W-What if he comes back? I'm always so afraid that'll he'll come back..." His voice trailed off as he placed his head in his hands.  
I stared at him through my blurred vision, Aleks went through so much agony. He was terrified of living his life, he was afraid he would be hurt again. He never wanted to be hurt again. And I didn't want him to, either. "He won't come back." I whispered as Aleks lifted his head up quickly. "He won't come back, I'll make sure of it." I heard him hiccup. "I am...so sorry, Aleks. That is something no one should...ever have to experience. I am so, so sorry...that you had to." My tears continued to stream down my face as I spoke, my heart felt heavy.  
I sniffled as I opened my arms, Aleks continuing to look with his saddened eyes. "C-Come here." I directed him, fighting more tears from becoming exposed. Aleks whined as he fell to his knees from the couch and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around me, fast. He started to cry into the crook of my neck violently.  
I closed my eyes and let out a sigh, feeling utter compassion for Aleks. This was really happening, what happened Aleks happened and I couldn't change that. I couldn't prevent it, I couldn't stop it. My heart imploded, I couldn't take this. This was all too much...just imagine how Aleks is feeling...  
I rested my head against his as he continued to sob harder and harder. I placed my hand on the back of his head and started massaging his scalp with my fingers lightly. "Shh, shh. It's alright now, Aleks. You're alright. I'm here for you, I won't let anything hurt you." I mumbled in his ear. "I swear."  
Aleks took a few large gasps before speaking. "I-I'm sorry I didn't tell-tell you sooner. I w-was j-just so afraid..." He nuzzled his head against my shoulder. Him crying was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever experienced. Him crying so much, so hard, so terribly.  
"It's okay, Aleksandr." I soothed him, lightly rubbing his back as I held him closer. "It's alright, it's okay. You-You told me now, that's all that matters. You matter." I sniffled slightly in between my words. "Everything's going to be okay." I placed a comforting, light kiss on Aleks' forehead as I lifted my head back up, examining the room.  
Aleks had to live here, under the same roof where it happened. He had to live with the pain, the memories, the anxiety and constant worry. He walked around, knowing it happened here, he would never be able to free himself from it. He must have been so terrified, so scared, in dire need of help and consolation. He was in so much misery...  
My eyes focused on the couch, seeing a blanket and pillow laid out. Is that where Aleks was sleeping at night? Alone and scared? With nothing but a pillow and blanket to comfort him?  
No, he deserves more. Much more. He needs all the help he can get. And I'm willing to give it to him. I want to help him, he's my closest friend, and I care for him, so much. So, so much.  
I rested my head back down on his again, his crying seemingly endless. "Let's get you out of here, okay?" I told him as Aleks looked up. He looked so despairing. I cupped the side of his face lightly as I spoke again. "Let's get you out of here. Y-You can come stay with me for as long as you need." I paused, wiping away a few of Aleks' tears with my thumb. "I-I just want you to be safe." I mumbled, watching the tears trail down Aleks' face. "Is...is that okay?"  
Aleks nodded his head, closing his eyes again. He pressed his face closer to the palm of my hand, taking in its warmth. He opened his eyes again, they looked so tired. He stared back up into mine as he took a few more calming breaths.  
I gave Aleks a small, reassuring smile as I held him closer. "Let's get you out of here. Let's get you packed." I spoke undertone, hiding more tears from sliding down my face. I needed to be strong, Aleks needed me, now more than ever.  
And I needed him, too. He had my heart.  
I slowly removed my arms from around him, reluctantly taking away my hand holding his face. He sighed apprehensively, trembling a bit. I took his hands in mine and slowly helped him stand up, he whimpered here and there. I looked down at his hands and trailed my own to the red mark on his wrist. I glided my hand past it sweetly, wishing it would make the pain disappear. I looked into his eyes, they seemed slightly relieved.  
But, only slightly.  
I let go of his hands slowly, never taking my eyes off of him. "We got to get you packed." I informed him, abruptly walking out of the living room. I walked up to his bedroom and opened the door quickly, I needed to get him out of here as fast as possible. He spent too much time here, he was under so much stress.  
I just wanted him safe.  
I opened his closet and removed two duffle bags, placing them on the bed. I was oblivious to the room around me, I was just focused on Aleks. I walked to his dresser and pulled out a few outfits for him to start with before I was distracted. I looked up and watched Aleks hesitantly walk up to the room, but stop in his tracks when he stood in the doorway. He pressed himself closer to the door frame, his eyes locked on something across the room.  
He looked completely frightened.  
I followed his gaze down to the bed, wondering why he refused to come in closer, and why he couldn't to take his eyes off of it. So? It was just a bed. It was still unmade from this morning, it wasn't that big of a...  
Then it hit me.  
I looked up at Aleks once more, restraining my tears from showing. I knew why he was so afraid of this room. This was the reason he had been sleeping on the couch.  
Oh...Aleks...  
"Is...is this where it happened...?" I mumbled, trying my hardest not to cry. I needed to be strong. For Aleks.  
He nodded his head subtly, his tears starting up again. "Right there." He muttered, nodding his head at the bed. He swallowed. "Right there..." He whispered, hugging the door frame tighter.  
I looked back down at the bed, realizing what really happened there. This was where Aleks was... I see it now, the thrown pillows, the crumpled sheets, the scattered blankets. Aleks struggled so much to get free...  
...was that...blood?  
There was a small auburn stain on the sheet. A few darkened red drops were here and there, but that puddle... That was Aleks' blood...  
I inhaled sharply before making my way over to him, stepping in front of him so he couldn't see the bed. So he couldn't see the blood. He slowly moved his eyes to look into mine, nothing but fear clouded them. He pressed himself closer to the threshold.  
I sighed before speaking. "W-Why don't you wait in the living room while I pack the rest of your things?" I suggested, gently placing my hand on his arm.  
"O-Okay. Okay." He muttered, tensing up a bit when my hand touched his arm. "T-Thank you...for-for everything you're doing. Just...thank-thank you, James." He whispered, pulling me into a hug as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I placed my head into the crook of his neck slowly, holding him just as close in return.  
"Of course, Aleks. It's gonna be okay." I murmured, opening my eyes. I saw Aleks staring at the bed again, tears forcing their way out of his eyes. I lightly placed my hand on the back of his head, effortlessly and softly aiming his head away. "Don't look." I whispered in his ear. "Don't look."  
He sighed shakily, a few of his cold tears landing on my neck. I pulled away from our embrace to look at him. "Go-Go take a seat in the living room. I'll just be a few more minutes." I informed him, wiping away a few of Aleks' tears. He nodded his head before turning around and walking back into the living room silently.  
I involuntarily turned around, staring at the stain on the sheet. How could Nate do this? Hurt and traumatize someone so innocent? So faultless? So pure?  
So...angelic?  
I turned away from the stain altogether. I returned to Aleks' dresser, taking out more clothes to pack. I couldn't believe that this was really happening. Aleks, so hurt and afraid. His abuser, lurking somewhere in the world, free. His best friend, caring for him while trying hold himself together.  
How could he treat Aleks the way he did? How could he hurt him? How could he impair him? Be so inhumane towards him? How could he just leave him? How could he call him the things he did? How could he make him cry? Become so scared? Leave him thinking that nothing will be okay ever again? That he was alone in the world?  
How could he make him bleed?  
My eyes kept flicking to the stain every few seconds. I closed my eyes and turned my head away, letting out a desperate sigh. Seeing that splatter made me see what happened to Aleks, too. It was too hard to imagine. It was as if I could hear each cry Aleks made...  
"No! Please! Please, stop! No! No! I'm sorry! Please! Don't!" Aleks' voice echoed in my head as I cringed. How I wished I could save him from that, I could stop the worst thing in his life from happening. But, I couldn't. All I could do was relive what he went through, search through the destruction and try to repair it all from there.  
"...please..."  
I opened my eyes and stared down at the smear. I sighed as I quickly tugged on the blanket, covering the stain up. Gone, but not forgotten... I was silent while packing the rest of Aleks' necessities quickly, needing to get out of there myself. The stories this place held, if walls could talk...they wouldn't.  
I picked up the two bags and rapidly left the room. I shut the door behind me, locking its demons inside. I walked over to the couch and placed the bags down on the floor beside it, seeing Aleks sitting still with his head in his hands. I kneeled down next to him and placed a hand on his arm, causing him to jolt. He looked around panicked, then met my gaze. He seemed to calm down slightly.  
Slightly...  
"Hey...," I spoke in a solacing tone, "are you ready to go?" I asked, giving Aleks a small smile.  
"Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, I'm-I'm ready." He stuttered, standing up from the couch. He sniffled upon rising, his eyes looked a bit red, as red as his wrist. He must have been crying, kneading at his wrist again.  
He followed me out the apartment, staying rather close to me. I closed the door behind me, walking away before noticing Aleks wasn't next to me. I turned around to see Aleks locking the door, staring at it, then unlocking it before locking it again. I walked up to him while he repeated this process, locking the door for the third time. Before he had the chance to unlock it again, I placed my hand on top of his, catching him off guard.  
He looked at me as I prevented him, his eyes filled with a strange combination of wonder and fear. "It's locked." I told him, reaching in front of him, trying to turn the doorknob. "See?" Proving my point when I was unable to turn it fully. "It's alright, it's alright." I assured him, removing my hand from his. He let go of the key in the keyhole, placing it in his pocket. He looked up at the door one last time before pursuing after me to my car.  
I set down Aleks' bags in the backseat of my car, myself sitting in the drivers seat once inside. Aleks carefully stepped into the car, slowly sitting down in the seat and shutting door. He took a breath while pressing his back against the cushion, adjusting to the chair. He then proceeded to buckle his seat belt, looking up at me when I began to speak.  
"That was brave of you," I began, "to...to tell me." I sighed. "I, uh, I know it's far from easy to talk about...something like that. I am so sorry for-for having to p-put you through that." I explained as he looked down, presumably remembering the pain. "But, thank you...for telling me."  
He looked up from his stare at the floor and at me. "Thank you for caring." He responded, darting his eyes back down as he closed them.  
I nodded subtly at his words as I placed the key in the ignition. I sighed while putting car into forward drive and heading out onto the road. Heading for Aleks' 'safe haven'. Heading for home.  
The car ride was quiet, but there was nothing to be said. The only sound was Aleks sniffling every now and again as he rubbed his wrist raw. I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through, what he went through. So much pain, so much torture, so much torment. How much I just wanted it to go away...  
That's why I was here, to help Aleks. All I wanted to do was help him until he was better. I just wanted to hold him close as he let out his emotions in the form of tears. I wanted to whisper the truth to him, that everything would be okay and that he was strong. I wanted to tell him about how amazing he was, how brave he was, how breathtaking he was.  
I wanted to admit how much I cared for him. How I felt about him. How much I...loved him. And how much I wanted to protect him from the cruelties in the world. Cruelties like Nate. How much I wanted to tell Aleks all of this.  
But, these words were meant to be thought. There was nothing to be said.  
I pulled up next to the apartment building and turned off the car, but neither of us moved. We sat in silence, there was some light from a street lamp nearby. The only sound we heard were each others breaths. Mine, even and calm, Aleks', choppy and short, and filled with anxiety.  
How much I wanted him to get better...  
"Um...," Aleks broke the silence, clearing his throat, "could you, uh, could you t-tell the guys what h-happened? I-I don't think I can go through that again." Aleks confessed, yawning slightly.  
"Y-Yeah, I'll...I'll do that. Sure." I agreed, leaning back in my seat.  
The silence returned yet again.  
"I am so sorry, Aleks." I started, turning to face him. "I can't believe this happened to you. I am just so, so sorry."  
Aleks inhaled sharply while nodding his head, understanding what I meant. "Thank you. For...everything. I've, uh, I've never felt so cared about before." Aleks revealed.  
I placed a hand on top of his delicately. "Aleks, you are cared about. I care about you." I paused somewhat. "And I will do anything for you." I looked at him with subdued eyes. Though his were flooded with fear with a dash of worry, his eyes were so...mesmerizing. How the mahogany brown overlapped the bronze shine with just a hidden hint of hazel.  
His eyes were just as beautiful as him.  
"Let's get you inside. You look like you could use some sleep." I advised, pulling my hand away from his. He dipped his head down as I opened the car door after retrieving his bags. The air had gotten a bit chilly since we left his home...could you even call it a home? He followed after me, keeping close to me like he did earlier.  
We entered the apartment building and eventually met my door. "Don't worry, Aleks. You'll be safe here." I assured him as I unlocked the door and opened it. I turned on the lights, unveiling the rooms inside. I turned around after shutting the door to see Aleks look around in awe, he seemed a bit more relieved. He yawned again and sighed after, still admiring the place. I could tell why.  
My place seemed warmer than Aleks'. There were no secrets lurking about it, there was no unsettling presence. It was calming, placating, pacifying.  
A little untidy, but safe.  
"It's not the cleanest place, but you'll be alright. I'll get you set up on the couch, okay?" I informed, placing down Aleks' bags. He nodded his head vaguely as I made my way to the closet, retrieving a blanket and an extra pillow. I walked back over to the couch and placed them next to Aleks who had sat down. "Here you go." I looked down at him, he was rubbing at his wrist again. I crouched in front of him, lightly pulling away his hand from his wrist.  
"It's okay, Aleks. You don't have to be scared." I assured him, gently caressing his hand. "You're alright, it's going to be alright."  
He tilted his head to look at me, all I saw were tears being held back. "Thank you." He muttered, closing his hand so he was holding mine. "Thank you." He repeated while sniffling, his voice was so quiet.  
I leaned a bit closer towards him and enclosed him in another hug. This is what he needed... He placed his head into my shoulder, sighing heavily. I rubbed his back soothingly, he seemed to tense somewhat. That was understandable after what he went through...  
"Goodnight, Aleksandr." I mumbled into his ear sweetly. I pulled away from the hug to look at him, giving him a satisfying smile.  
"Goodnight, James." He whispered, rubbing his eye drowsily. I looked down before standing up, seeing that our hands were still connected. I chuckled lightly to myself as I slowly, yet shyly, removed my hand from his. Upon rising, I planted a small kiss on Aleks' forehead again, something short and sweet. I bowed my head down as I started to leave the room, but before I could escape to mine, Aleks spoke up.  
"Could you leave the light on?"  
I looked back at him with kind eyes, if I were him, I'd be afraid to be alone in the dark, too. I nodded my head, drifting my hand away from the light switch. I sighed as I entered my bedroom and shut the door quietly, careful not to alarm Aleks. I made my way to my bed and lay down, not caring to change my clothes from today. I pulled the blankets over top of me as I stared at the ceiling. My eyes felt heavy, fatigue slowly setting in.  
But, I couldn't fall asleep.  
I was being kept awake. By a nightmare. Aleks' nightmare: his life. My heart sank just a little further each time I thought about it. Everything Aleks went through...it didn't seem possible. It didn't seem real.  
But, it was possible. It was real. It was happening. It did happen.  
Everything seemed to go silent when Aleks said what Nate did to him. The world seemed a bit fuzzy and I, myself, became weak and lightheaded. It was as if I had recovered from a nearby explosion, my senses seemed to stop working. I couldn't hear, I could barely see, I couldn't speak, the only thing I tasted was the blood from biting my lip too hard. I seemed to stop breathing, my lungs collapsed. And the only things I felt were sympathy for my friend and the tears streaming down my face.  
They were so cold...  
It must have been so hard for Aleks, having to explain everything. I felt bad about putting him in that position, I had no idea that it was so horrible. The description of the abuse was terrible enough...why did Nate have to go that far...? For what? Why? What reason?  
I felt a few tears overflow onto my face, running down the sides, and reaching my ears. I wiped them away, needing to pull myself together. I was supposed to be the strong one, taking care of Aleks and showing him that everything would be okay. I can't let him see me like this, he needs someone to depend upon. Someone dauntless. Someone courageous. Someone brave.  
Like him.  
Nate was wrong, he's far from pathetic. He's incredible, able to stay as stable as he is during such a sensitive time. He's smart, he knows who to trust and isn't deceivable to let his guard down immediately. He's...remarkable, he's the most beautiful person I have ever known, and I'm proud to say I care for him. Proud to say I'll be there for him. Proud to say I love him. Much more than Nate ever could.  
...did he even love Aleks...?  
No.  
As hard as it was to face this truth, he never loved Aleks. Aleks was so happy when telling me about his new relationship. He couldn't wipe the dumb smile off of his face, he had found the one person who he knew he could spend the rest of his life with.  
Keyword: could.  
Aleks never spoke of how Nate felt, he always talked about how he felt or how much he loved him. But, never once mentioned a statement from Nate's point of view. I always asked, but never got an answer.  
Is this the answer I've been waiting for...?  
My tears kept flowing.  
My thoughts became derailed by a sound emitting from the living room. The sound of light crying. It was almost too quiet to hear, but I heard it. It was almost as if someone didn't want others to hear it... I sat up from the bed and walked out of my bedroom, wincing at the sudden beam of light as I entered the living room. Is that how long I had been in darkness? Is that how long I was...thinking of Aleks?  
The sound of crying became a bit more louder as I neared the source: Aleks. I walked around the side of the couch and walked a bit more slowly once I saw Aleks. He was laying with his head on the pillow, the blanket up to his neck as he was weeping to himself. He had his eyes closed, unaware of me being there. He didn't even bother to wipe away the tears, we both knew many more would come.  
So many more.  
"Aleks...," I whispered, kneeling next to the couch. Aleks gradually opened his weary eyes, looking back into my brown ones. "Are you okay?" I considerately asked, cocking my head. Hopefully he didn't notice my red eyes as I did his. He shook his head, indicating that he wasn't as he sobbed harder into the pillow, trying to silence his cries. "Hey, hey, don't cry..." I mumbled to him. "Don't cry." I repeated, pushing the hair out of his face lovingly.  
I sighed as I looked down, wondering how I would be able to calm Aleks. He was so worried, so frightened. I bit my lip, knowing what I had to do. Though it was risky, I listened to my heart. The heart that pounded, beat, and bled for Aleks. "Hey, h-how about you sleep in my room with me tonight?" I suggested as he looked up at me, confusion being his present emotion. "I'll be in there with you, I'll protect you. You'll be safe." I told him, resting an arm on the couch cushion. "Would you like that?"  
Aleks nodded his head while taking a small breath, closing his eyes for a brief minute. "A lot." He murmured.  
"Come with me." I directed as Aleks gently sat up from the couch. He grabbed hold of my hand, the same one he held earlier. I turned off the light in the living room, Aleks whimpering a bit when the darkness flooded the area around us. "It's okay, it's okay." I mumbled, turning a quick corner and entering my bedroom. Aleks slowly made his way to the bed, sitting on the edge while laying himself down carefully.  
I walked over to where he lay and sweet-temperedly rested the blanket on top of him, tugging it up to his shoulders. I heard him sigh pleasantly as I walked to the other side of the bed and lay next to him. I exhaled loudly, neither of us said a word. But, that was alright. This moment, just laying awake, knowing the other is grateful for you, was amazing.  
Aleks was amazing.  
"J-James...?" Aleks quietly asked, his words seemed slightly hesitant.  
"Yeah?" I replied, turning my body to face him.  
It was quiet a minute or so, I waited calmly for Aleks to continue. "Um...can-can...uh...n-nevermind. I'm...I'm sorry, nevermind." Aleks nervously took back his statement. He sighed uneasily.  
"Aleks," I began, "if you ever need anything, don't be afraid to ask." I enlightened him. He sighed lightly, silence filling the room again. He took a breath before talking.  
"Can you hold me?" He asked, his words shaky.  
"Of course, yeah sure." I told him in an affectionate manner. He rolled over and placed his arms close to him as he slid nearer to me. He whimpered as I wrapped my arms around him and I heard him start to cry again into my chest. "Hey, it's okay." I notified him, rocking him gently. "It's okay, Aleks, it's all okay."  
"I'm so sorry for not telling you before." He muttered through his wailing. "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry."  
I pulled away a bit from our embrace to look at Aleks face to face. "Aleks...there is absolutely nothing you need to be sorry about." I told him as he stopped crying for a moment to hear me. "This isn't your fault, it's not." I muttered, such adoration pouring into my words.  
He took a few quiet breaths. "A-All this time I b-blamed myself..." Aleks confessed, his voice trailing off.  
"No...no, no, don't do that. No, Aleks. It's not your fault, it's anything but your fault. You're innocent." I mumbled, feeling tears prick my eyes again. "You're innocent." I said again, emphasizing my point.  
"Do you really mean that?" Aleks weakly asked, his voice trembling.  
"With all my heart." I added.  
With that said, Aleks burst into tears, placing his head against my torso again. I held him closer, wishing for his agony to disappear. But, in order for that to happen, I had to take care of it. I had to take care of him.  
"Aleks, Aleks, listen." I started. "Aleks, if you are ever feeling scared, or worried, or if you feel alone," I paused, "you hold me close, okay? You hold me close and listen to my heartbeat." I explained, hearing Aleks' sobs die down. "It'll let you know that I'm still here. I'm right here next to you and that you're not alone." I took a short breath.  
"Just listen to my heartbeat."  
Aleks readjusted himself to press his ear against my chest. "Just-Just listen, it's okay. Just listen." I assured him as he placed his ear against my pectoral muscle.  
"J-Just listen t-to your heart-heartbeat." Aleks repeated my words to assure himself. "J-Just list-listen to y-your h-heartbeat."  
I held his head close as he sighed, it was calming him. His tears had stopped falling and his sobbing had ended, too. His breaths were at a normal pace again and his trembling had disappeared. He let out one last sigh as he placed his arms around my middle, snuggling against me comfortably.  
It worked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not Monday...oops...well, hope you enjoyed this chapter, thanks for all of the hits and kudos so far, it really means a lot!!


	3. Chapter 3: Your Nightmare

(Aleks' POV)  
I woke up the same way I fell asleep, in James' arms. I knew it was him, I'd recognize his heartbeat anywhere. His heart was sweet, his heart was warm, his heart was considerate. I tilted my head up slightly to see him already awake, looking down at me. A small smile appeared on his face when he looked into my eyes.

 

"Morning, asshole." James whispered, a little of his usual personality showing through.

 

"Morning...," I paused, "you fucker." He laughed lightly, his smile growing a bit larger, showing off his perfect teeth. I felt a tiny smile present itself on my face as I timidly looked down.

 

"How-How'd you sleep?" He asked, his voice quiet. 

 

I looked back up at him while I answered. "Better. Better than before." I admitted, watching the smile on his face never fade.

 

"Good. I'm glad." James commented, fiddling with my hair somewhat. "You deserved sleep, you were pretty worn out yesterday." I nodded my head, agreeing that I was really worked up. There was so much terror, so much panic, so many tears.

 

But, this moment made up for it. It was quiet, peaceful, therapeutic. I was grateful for James being so understanding, I was glad I had him to help me. He was so thoughtful, attentive, softhearted. He knew how to calm me down, his heartbeat was my lullaby. I had never slept so soundly before. 

 

"Are you okay with going into work today?" James asked, his fingers still toying with my hair. How much I liked it. "You know...considering everything that happened..."

 

I nodded my head slowly. "Yeah, I'll be okay." I simply replied, sighing.

 

There was a minute of silence between us after that, no sound except for our simple breaths. No sights except for us looking into each other's eyes. The only things I felt were James' arms still holding me since last night. 

 

"That's brave of you." James spoke up after awhile. "To...to still continue your life when something so terrible happened. That's really brave." His words made me tear up. "You're braver than you think." He lifted a hand and wiped my tears away, muttering "It's okay" over and over in a hushed tone. "Why don't you try to get some more rest? It's still pretty early, it's not even six thirty yet." James proposed. 

 

"Okay... That sounds good." I agreed, looking down to see that I was still laying on James' chest. I felt a light blush spread across my face as I pushed myself up onto my elbow. "Oh, sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't-" I was cut off by a bashful voice.

 

"It's okay, Aleks." James told me, giving me a farouche smile. "It's okay, you can lay here." He gestured to his chest. "I don't mind." He added, his voice was affable.

 

I looked up at him as he nodded his head, indicating that it was alright. I slowly lowered myself, first my side touching the bed, then my head resting upon James' chest again. I sighed restfully, closing my eyes as I enjoyed the comfort James was giving me. He wrapped his arms around me again, holding me closer to him. 

 

"Everything's going to be alright, Aleks." James whispered, softly and slowly swaying me back and forth. "You just relax, everything will be alright." 

 

At that moment, I knew everything would be alright. James' words reassured me. His arms never wanted to let me go. His pulse lulled me back to sleep.

 

Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum.

 

Is this what safe felt like?  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

James pulled into the office parking lot, the car filled with nothing, but silence. I stared nervously out of the window, trying to calm myself, but failing miserably. God, I'm weak... The car parked in an empty spot and shut off, the hum of the engine terminating, causing the silence to become greater. 

 

"Hey...are you alright?" James asked, turning to face me. To be frank, I wasn't. I was still scared. I was still paranoid. And now I was nervous as hell, knowing that I had to be there when James told the others what happened. 

 

I shook my head slightly. "Not-Not really." I admitted, looking down. "I'm still...really scared." I took a deep breath.

 

"Don't worry, Aleks. It's going to be alright. We're all going to help you. You'll be okay." James reassured, opening the car door. I followed suit, walking unsteadily to the office building. Doesn't this feel familiar...? 

 

We walked down the hallway, passing the orange walls, bright lights, and lively feel. But, soon, it started to fade. As we trailed farther down the hallway, the lights dimmed, leaving me in darkness. The orange walls faded to a dark crimson, then just to dark. I began to whimper slightly, as much as this place was terrifying, I knew it. I knew this place. I knew this place all too well... 

 

I tilted my head to the right, gasping at what I saw. I knew this place... A bathroom mirror hung on the wall. My bathroom mirror. I was in my bathroom...and based upon my reflection, I was in my bathroom four nights ago.

 

My back and chest were exposed, goosebumps forming on my skin. My bruises were fresh, throbbing and aching with every movement. The blood still trickled down my lip, the stinging pain never leaving. My bottom burned as well did my back, the scratches and scars just placed on both. 

 

My breathing increased severely, the tears pouring down my face. I couldn't look away, I was too afraid to look away. He did this to me...all of it...and he enjoyed it... I was in so much pain.

 

"Aleks..." I heard Nate's gravelly voice call my name, it's taunting demeanor echoing in the darkness surrounding me. "Aleks..." He said again, his voice coming closer. I knew it, he would come back. He would come back to hurt me again...

 

"Aleks." 

 

I took a huge gasp as I looked away from the mirror, hanging my head. But, beneath me wasn't the hardwood floor of my apartment. I was standing on top of carpet, wearing my gray shoes. Light beamed from above as I jolted my head up, noticing the well known orange walls reappear. I looked in front of me to see that Nate wasn't calling my name to frighten me. It was James, trying to calm me.

 

"Aleks, are you okay? You looked so scared..." James' words trailed off as he lifted a hand, wiping my tears away with his middle and fore fingers. "A...Are you alright?"

 

I sniffled, dipping my head down somewhat. "I-I'm okay. I just...I just zoned out for moment..." I explained, tilting my head to the right wall again. There was no man in the mirror staring back. There was no mirror at all. 

 

I started to rub my wrist again. Harder.

 

James saw this as he placed one of his hands on mine, keeping me from hurting myself anymore. His hands were soft against mine, the complete opposite of Nate's. "Don't be afraid, Aleks. I'm here. You don't have to be scared."

 

His words were the opposite of Nate's, too.

 

He wrapped his arms around me in a hug, hushing my whimpers and whines. "Don't cry, Aleks. Don't cry, it's okay. It's okay." He muttered, pulling away somewhat, seeing me wipe more tears away. He gave a small smile before turning around to venture to the office door. I took a deep breath before following, unsure if more flashbacks were to come. 

 

If Nate were to come...

 

I bit my lip when James opened the door, a bit hesitant to go in. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply before taking a step into the office. The usual feel of being protected by an indestructible barrier wasn't there. There was no security. There was no sanctuary. 

 

I wasn't safe. 

 

"How about you wait right here? I'll gather everyone in the Creature Talk room, then I'll get you." James explained, his voice mumbling in a settling timbre. I nodded my head, a bit scared to be left by myself. Being alone brought back...the memories...

 

"You don't have to say anything when I tell them. Let me handle that, okay?" James assured. 

 

"O...Okay." I replied, pressing my fingers into my palm. "Thank you for doing this for me." I thanked, light tears swirling on my eyes. "It means so much." I added, whispering almost.

 

"Like I said, I'd do anything for you." James reminded, showing his warm smile. 

 

Maybe, a place isn't what protected me. Not bravery, nor courage, or determination. Not even coping mechanisms. No, I found something else to protect me. A compassionate man with a sweetly crooked smile.

 

"I'll be right back." James told me, starting towards the personal offices. "Don't worry, there's nothing to be afraid of here." He whispered before turning a corner down the hallway.

 

Here..., I thought, my apartment on the other hand...

 

I exhaled silently as I leaned myself against the back of the couch. I heard James mumbling in the background to someone, his voice alone was mollifying enough. It was relaxing, unlike Nate's altogether. James in general was unlike Nate altogether.

 

Nate was condescending, always putting me down. James was humble as he would whisper the truth, the truth Nate had blinded me from. Nate would always ridicule me whenever I was close to tears, so many I had to hold in. James allowed me to let it all out, everything from that night and leading up to it. Nate had no heart, whereas all I wanted to do was listen to James'. Nate never was intimate with me, we never held hands, hugged, he never even once wrapped his arms around me.

 

Now, I wished he never laid a hand on me...

 

James, though, was gentle. He gave consoling hugs that relieved my stress. He kissed my forehead when I was too worked up. He held me close while I cried and didn't mind the tears staining his shirt. He smiled when I held his hand for comfort. He let me stay at his place, knowing my apartment carried so much horror. He let me know what he thought of me from the bottom of his heart. He never wanted to let me go as he held me while I fell asleep.

 

James had done more for me in one night than Nate ever did in an entire month.

 

Why, though? Why is he doing this for me? Why is he spending his time trying to repair someone so unfixable? What happened to me will never go away, he and I both know that. So, why is he still trying? 

Why is he wasting his time with the reason of what happened?

"It's not your fault, it's anything, but your fault." James' words echoed in my head. "You're innocent. You're innocent." 

You are, too...

"Aleks?" I opened my eyes to see that impeccable smile in front of me. I looked up into James' swarthy eyes, though dark, they were all the light I needed. "Are you ready? Everyone's waiting." He informed me as he nodded off to the back rooms.

"Yeah, l-let's go." I answered, nodding my head meanwhile. 

James sighed happily as he scanned me again. He shook his head as he spoke. "You're so fearless." His smile grew broader.

"Then why am I so scared?" I asked with a shaky breath, biting my lip as I waited for a response.

 

His smile didn't disappear as he spoke.

 

"Because it takes fear to be daring."  
I have never been so calmed by such simple words.

 

"Come on, before one of them escapes." James joked, snickering a bit. I followed behind him as we walked down the hallway, no lights dimming as we walked on. No flashbacks played as I looked from wall to wall. No taunting voice repeated my name over and over. 

 

When I was with James, nothing got to me. He was my force field.

 

We entered the Creature Talk room, the rest of the guys sitting and chatting while awaiting for our arrival. James sighed while shutting the door, I stood close by him, afraid to be alone again. 

 

"Alright, what the fuck is this about?" Seamus sarcastically asked, resting his head on his arm as he smiled stupidly.

 

"It's serious, asshole, so shut the fuck up and listen." James stated, sincere meaning in his voice.

 

"Yes, please, Seamus." Jordan spoke, turning back to James. "What is this about? What's so important?"

 

James looked at me before continuing. "I got this." He whispered to me as I nodded, James had no idea how much of a favor he was doing for me. He took a seat next to Jordan, I gradually took the seat beside him. 

 

James sighed before speaking. "Aleks wanted me to tell you guys this, he didn't want to have to go through explaining it again." He began, taking another look at me as I stiffened in my seat. "I didn't want you to either...I couldn't go through that again, too."

 

"Wait...go through what again?" Kevin asked, kneeling beside Seamus. 

 

"He told me the, uh, real reason for the bruises." James blandly stated, looking down.

 

"What 'real reason'?" Dan questioned, pressing himself against the wall. "I thought you told us that you were hit by your car door." He reminded me.

 

God, I felt so horrible about lying...

 

"I told you that because I couldn't tell you the truth." I rushed my words together, my eyes studying everyone in the room. "I was too afraid of the truth..."

 

"What is the truth?" Dex wondered, resting his arms on the back of Jordan's chair. I looked away slowly, closing my eyes and biting my tongue. I felt my wrist become raw again.

 

"You all know of Aleks' boyfriend...Nate?" James quietly asked, such hatred spewed out as he said his name. The others nodded and agreed. "Well...f-four nights ago, Aleks and Nate got into an argument that-" James stopped himself as he sighed. "That got out of hand."

 

"H-How? What happened?" Joe asked, his eyes shifting from James to me.

 

"Did...Did he hurt you, Aleks?" Spencer inquired, his blue eyes full of fear.

 

"Uh...he-," James took a deep breath, "he did." He let out a shaky exhalation as I looked over at him. He looked like he was close to tears, keeping his head bowed down, his voice remaining still. All of which were unlike James. "He, uh, he started to hurt Aleks when he said that...that he didn't want to go out with him anymore." He let out another unsteady breath.

 

"James..." I whispered, feeling sorry for what James was going through.

 

"I'm fine. I'm fine, really." James quickly replied, looking up at the ceiling as he took a deep breath. I looked away swiftly once I saw a few tears fall from his eyes. I was doing this to him...I'm just as bad as Nate...

 

"But, the a-abuse wasn't wh-where it stopped." James began to stutter, the rest staring at us with soft eyes filled with non belief. "After," James inhaled quietly, "after he hurt him...so-so much, Nate...he, uh...," He whimpered, the tears continuing to fall down his face. He ran his fingers through his hair as he clenched it hard. "I can't! I can't, I can't, I can't!" James' voice broke as he burrowed his head in his hands, shaking his head violently.

 

"W...What-What happened?" Kevin asked, his question almost silent. His eyes were, too, brimming with tears. They all looked to me, a few still glancing over at James who was trying hard to not cry hopelessly. 

 

I sighed, knowing that I had to say that word again. That action that happened to me. As much as I didn't want to, I had to.

 

It takes fear to be daring.

 

"N-Nate raped me...," I admitted, hearing the room fall silent, a few gasps here and there.

 

James turned his head to face me, his eyes red and bloodshot. "I'm sorry..." He apologized, his voice frail. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

 

"Aleks..." Jordan murmured to himself, shaking his head in disbelief. 

 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was...just so afraid. I didn't tell anyone, I couldn't. Until last night...James came over, begging for me to tell him the truth. He saw this mark on his wrist from what happened and...he knew something was up." I informed them, clearing my throat. The room was still quiet. "I'm staying at James' place. He's letting me stay there for...as long as I need." I repeated his words from last night.

 

"You didn't call the police?" Seamus wondered, taking off his black rimmed glasses.

 

"I was too afraid. But, I-I'm thinking about calling them, soon. I just... I can't keep on living like this, knowing that he's still out there. I don't want that possibility of him coming back. But, I'm just so terrified." I explained, sliding down a bit in my chair.

 

"Don't worry, Aleks. We're-We're all here for you. We're gonna help you, all of us. It'll be okay." Joe reassured, giving me a small hug.

 

"I'm glad I have you all." I confessed,   
pulling away from the embrace. "Thank you." I turned my head slightly to see James rising his head slowly, taking calming breaths at a leisured pace. "If...If you guys don't mind, um, can-can I have a minute alone with James?" I looked around the room, the rest nodding, accepting immediately.

 

At once they all stood up, heading over towards me before they left out of the door. 

 

Joe pat my shoulder before retreating, making way for Dan who gave me a huge hug. "I'm sorry, Aleks." He stated, pulling away.

 

"You'll get through this. You can, I-I know you can." Spencer told me, ruffling my hair slightly. 

 

"It's alright, that you didn't tell us before. I get that, it's okay." Dex told me, rubbing my shoulder sympathetically.

 

"We'll help you through this, Aleks. You're not alone." Seamus mumbled in my ear once giving me a hug. "Sorry, for being a jerk in the start."

 

I laughed slightly at that as he walked off. Kevin ran up to me, wrapping his arms around me quickly. "Don't worry, Aleks. We're here. We're all here." He murmured. He leaned his head closer to my ear as he whispered something more quietly. "James will take care of you. He'll protect you, you have nothing to be afraid of when you're with him." He looked at me after pulling away, nodding his head to ensure what he said.

 

That left Jordan.

 

He kneeled down in front of me, pulling off his hat as he wiped away exposed tears. "I can't believe what happened to you." He began, his voice low. "It's...so horrible, and I'm extremely sorry for what you went through. But, don't worry. You're strong, and you have us. We're going to help you, everyone. It's going to be okay." Jordan reassured, reaching up as he gave me a hug. This one lasted longer than the others. He pulled away and stood up. "It's going to be okay." He reiterated. Jordan then sauntered to the door, closing it quietly, leaving James and I alone in the room.

 

James sniffled bringing my attention back to him. "James, are you alright?" I asked, pulling my chair nearer to him. James lifted his head up fully, his eyes still closed.

 

"I'll...I'll be fine. I'm sorry I had to...make you say that. I just-just couldn't. I don't know why...I couldn't." James said in a shaky voice. He chuckled nervously as he wiped away tears. "God, you shouldn't be seeing me like this..." He shook his head.

 

"What do you mean?" I asked, lightly resting my hand on his arm, knowing he would do the same for me. My hand quivered a bit, slightly anxious about my sudden action.

 

"You-You need someone s-strong to depend on. I'm...I'm not strong..." James confessed, looking to the right to see me.

 

"I'm not brave." I returned.

 

"Aleks, you-you are brave. Don't say that you're not, you are." James told me, his voice still trembling in his weak state. "You are. L-Look at what you just did. Even though you were frightened, you were able to tell everyone what happened when I couldn't. I'm proud of you, I'm so proud of you." Though he was crying, James still managed to give me one of his most caring smiles. "Don't put yourself down, you're brave. Y-You really are."

 

"Then don't think that you're not strong." I responded, my hand was still resting on his arm. "I have never felt so safe with someone before. If you were as weak as you thought you were, then I'd still be scared for my life, living in my apartment." I paused. "But, I'm not. You took me in your arms...and gave me a place to stay. You're taking care of me and I can't thank you more." I felt the warmness of my tears sliding down my face. "You've helped me so much. You wiped away my tears, you made me feel safe, and you gave me something to reassure me." James gave me a confused expression, possibly wondering what I meant.

 

"You gave me your heart." I whispered, my words causing James' lip to tremble. "You gave me your heart, I had no idea that someone could care as much as you do." James turned his head away, shaking his head as he placed a fist over his mouth. "You are strong. Just, everybody needs to cry sometimes." I swallowed. "And I won't think less of you if you do."

 

James aimed his head towards me, his eyes matching mine: tear stained. He sniffled before slowly inching forward and placing his arms around me. He sighed unsteadily, trying to catch his breath through his haphazard weeping. "I-I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish-I wish I could've been there to stop it. I'm just so sorry, Aleks." He muttered, his breaths becoming shorter as he cried on.

 

I withdrew a silent exhale as I gingerly placed my arms around James, my hands resting on his back. I wasn't good at these types of situations, I was always the one needing help. But, I had to take that leap of faith. Forget my problems and focus primarily on James'.

 

That was what he was doing for me.

 

"It's-It's alright, James. Like you said, it's gonna be okay. It's all gonna be okay." I told James, slowly rubbing his back. Though I was afraid to do these things, I needed to tend to James. I'm...brave...? "Just let it out, James. It's okay, it's okay. Just let it out. It's gonna be alright." A few tears escaped my eyes and found their home: James' shoulder.

 

I held him like he held me. For hours.  
* * * * * * * * * *

 

It was down pouring by the time we were both finished at the office. It was raining heavily, the water splashing with a tapping sound as it collided with the ground beneath. Funny, rain falls exactly like tears.

 

Each drop tells a story of sadness, or fear, or anguish. They fall fast, alike myself. They fall fast and they fall hard. They create puddles, voids in my life filled with fright and depression. And they only get bigger by more droplets, slowly increasing in size. To show how much I'm really crying. The drops make ripples, cause and effect. Touch the water, the water moves and you see the murkiness beneath it. Trust someone who you think you love, and find the nightmare they really are. 

 

Your nightmare. 

 

And, a dream can't save me. Dreams turn out to be nightmares, too. That's why I'm afraid of depending on James, I trusted Nate and now look at me. Put down. Beaten. Raped. If that's what a nightmare does, what will a dream do?

 

But, at the same time I'm afraid, I owe James everything. He had given me so much and expected nothing in return. He's helping me because he cares, I saw it myself. I looked into his eyes, I heard his words, I felt his tears. 

 

I listened to his heart.

 

That should've been enough evidence that James supports me, but...unfortunately it wasn't. I'm scared to trust someone again. To let my guard down and relax. But, I need someone to be here for me. I need James to be here for me, to comfort me, to hold me ever so close.

 

What is this I'm feeling? Why are affection and fear such dreaded opposites? Why am I stuck in the middle?

 

James parked the car outside of the building, the rain hitting the top of the vehicle. He took the key out of the ignition, craning his head to see more storm clouds rolling through. He sighed as he unbuckled his seatbelt, me copying his action slowly.

 

"Alright, we gotta be quick if we don't want to get soaked." James warned, gently opening the car door. He stepped out as I heard him yell in frustration, shouting at the rain. I smiled somewhat, stepping out of the car myself. No matter what mood or behavior he owned, James was mollifying. Just his presence reassured me.

 

This was the affection side taking its effect.

 

"Shit asshole! Fuck!" James yelled at the sky, flipping it off during the process. He pulled up his hood to avoid being soaked more. I tried doing the same, but sighed once realizing that I hadn't worn my jacket today. James noticed this as he laughed, running towards the building. "Sucks to be you!" He teased, sprinting down the sidewalk.

 

It does, I thought to myself, feeling my shirt start to stick to me. Not only did rain fall like tears, it was as cold as them, too. I shivered as I met the sidewalk and soon the stairs, James holding the door open for me. He laughed again, seeing my soaked state as I shook my head, walking ahead of him.

 

"You know, jackets are what keep you dry." James pointed out in a smart-ass tone. He placed the key in the door once we stood in front of it, James laughing at me once more as he entered.

 

"Shut the fuck up!" I playfully shouted back, shutting the door as I followed James inside. I quivered, the temperature of myself differed immensely from James' apartment. I crossed my arms, trying to keep myself warm, regretting not taking along my jacket to work today.

 

"Fuck! Your shirt's fucking soaked!" James' snickered, pulling down the hood to his jacket, some of his hair stood up from the action. "Here, take-take that off, I'll get you another one." James instructed me, pointing to the drenched black and white shirt I was wearing.

 

I froze in my spot at his request, my small smile fading entirely. My eyes drifted down, refusing to meet James' gaze. "Come on! Do you want to fucking freeze in that shit?" James' voice seemed a bit irritated due to my inactivity. I sighed uneasily as I walked to James' bedroom, hoping he would leave me alone. It wasn't just that I was afraid to take my shirt off, I was afraid of what he would see.

 

I was afraid of him seeing the scratches...

 

"Aleks? What's wrong? It's just your shirt!" James went on, following me to the bedroom, a new shirt at hand. "Take it off! It's fine! We're both guys here!" While James was trying to ease things back to normal, I suppose he forgot what happened to me. He forgot about my fears and insecurities.

 

"Go on! It's fine!" James insisted, I heard a slight chuckle being overlapped by his words. I sighed as I gripped the hem of my shirt lightly. He was standing behind me, my back to him. As soon as I took that shirt off, the marks would be the first thing he'd see.

 

God, I was so afraid...

 

I exhaled silently, slowly raising my shirt up a bit higher. I shuttered as I lifted it over my head and dropped it onto the bed. I hung my head low, hearing silence come from behind me. The appropriate reaction to what he was seeing. I heard the sound of something light hitting the floor, turning my head back to see it was the shirt James was holding. I hesitantly tilted my head up to see James, his eyes glued to my back. Tears suffocated his eyes, his mouth slightly agape as he stood there stationary.

 

I directed my head back down in front of me, shaking my head. I bit my bottom lip, sighing at what harm had been caused to me. What pain. What suffrage. Silence still remained behind me, James was speechless. A picture is worth a thousand words...but there is none for the actual experience.

 

Suddenly, I heard quiet footsteps draw nearer to me followed by warm arms wrapping around my freezing skin. James hugged me around my stomach, resting his head on my shoulder. I felt his cool breaths in the crook of my neck. "I'm so sorry, Aleks..." He whispered, holding me closer to his chest. His clement action soothed me, he was being so gentle. "I didn't know...I-I'm just-just so, so sorry." He apologized, his words becoming softer as he spoke on.

 

"Here, uh, w-why don't you go lay on the bed?" James asked in an inconversable manner. 

 

I turned my head quickly, a bit alarmed by his request. "What? W-What-What are y-you gonna-" My rambled stutters were soon cut off by his easing voice. 

 

This was the fear coming into play.

 

"Shh, shh, it's okay, Aleks. I'm not going to hurt you, I want to help you." He muttered, lifting his head up from my shoulder to look at me directly. "I'm just gonna help you." He repeated, placing a hand on my back lightly, tracing the scratches. "Go...Go lay down on the bed, on your stomach." James instructed as I cautiously removed myself from his arms. "Don't worry, it's okay. It's okay." 

 

I walked haltingly to the side of the bed, sighing before I made another move. I pressed a shaky hand against the mattress as I pushed myself up onto it. I laid on the bed, clutching at the pillow I lay on nervously. What was James going to do? I was extremely stressed and anxious, fearful for what would come next.

 

James sat down on the corner of the bed, sighing as he did. I closed my eyes tightly, not wanting to open them to see what would happen. I grabbed at the pillow harder, my fist trembling. I felt all of my muscles tense. Flashbacks were one type of torture, but having to reenact the event just terrified me.

 

I whimpered slightly as I felt James rest his hands on my back. He took them off for a brief moment before placing them against my back once more. He started moving his hands in a circular motion, slowly melting away my distress. He began massaging my back, pressing lightly on each stiff muscle, and running his fingers over each scar. 

 

"Just relax, Aleks. It's okay, just...just relax." James murmured, rubbing his palm up my back. My hand started to let go of the pillow, the shaking had stopped. I let out a sigh of alleviation as my muscles rested, enjoying the sensation of relaxation. I always wanted to know what that felt like...

 

I nuzzled my head against the pillow, the scent of James still lingering upon it. I felt a small smile creep onto my face as I held the pillow closer to me, hearing James chuckle sweetly. I was wrong, nightmares caused destruction. All dreams did was repair. In the best of ways...

 

After sometime, I heard James stand up and kneel down next to the side of the bed. I opened my eyes slowly, just like the night it happened. But, instead of being greeted by a cold, lonesome wall, James' caring eyes looked back into mine. "That feel good?" James amiably asked, rubbing my back slowly with one hand.

 

"Mhm." I mumbled, feeling the smile on my face grow a bit larger. I closed my eyes again, feeling the comfort and warmness of the room engulf me. I hadn't felt like this in a long, long time. I opened my eyes a bit as James leaned closer and placed a small kiss on my forehead. I liked it when he did that... He pushed a few pieces of hair out of my face as he spoke.

 

"How about I go run you a warm bath? You can relax, have some peace and quiet, some alone time. Would you like that?" He asked, studying my eyes. He always seemed to do that.

 

"Very much." I answered, receiving a small giggle from James as a reply. 

"You take as long as you need." James told me, his hand pausing on my back. "You wait right here and relax, I'll go start it for you." With that, James smiled one last time and ventured to the bathroom.

I closed my eyes as he left the room, feeling deeply cherished. The lurking fear disappeared, I wasn't afraid to confide in James. He was here for me, he proved that well. He cared for me with so much fondness and tenderness. 

 

Is this the rainbow after the storm?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading chapter 3, all of the comments, bookmarks, hits, and kudos are extremely appreciated!!!!


	4. Chapter 4: Everything

(James' POV)  
"Aleks?" I asked, searching office after office. "Aleks, are you there?" I left Dex's room, tilting my head left and right to see if Aleks came to answer my call. No Aleks. In fact, nobody at all.

I shook my head, extremely confused and a little concerned. Aleks meant a lot to me, he was my responsibility. I told him I'd care for him, and now I lost him. Where was he? Was he okay? This unsettling affliction resided in my stomach, thinking that something bad must have happened.

No...that's not true. No, Aleks is strong. He always has been, whether he realized it or not. Aleks is valiant, he pushes past his fears and worries, to do the right thing. Aleks is smart, he wouldn't let anything happen to him when I'm not around.

Right?

"Aleks?" I asked again, rounding a corner. "Aleks?!?" I shouted once more, hoping he would hear. Hoping he would come. Hoping he would be safe and in my arms. And I felt safe when I was holding him...

"James?" I heard a voice ask as I turned around. My heart broke the slightest bit when it was Jordan who stared back, an unclear expression plastered on his face. "James, what are you doing?" He asked in a casual tone.

"I'm trying to find Aleks, I can't find him anywhere and I'm starting to get scared." I explained, hearing my voice crack. All I wanted was to see Aleks... Jordan stared blankly at me, but there was something in his eyes. What was that? Was that...sympathy? 

Where was Aleks? I needed to know. 

Now.

"James, didn't...didn't you hear?" Jordan's voice grew lower along with his head bowing a bit. I didn't answer, I had nothing to say to that. I had nothing to say at all. "The p...police found Aleks in his apartment last night." He stated, not meeting my gaze. "Nate...," He swallowed, "Nate took-took Aleks' life..." Jordan whispered, removing his hat from his head.

"No..." I murmured, remembering the events playing out up to last night. Aleks was alive, I took him to my place, I made him feel safe. "No, no, no. Y-You're lying. He's okay." I rambled, feeling the familiar sensation of tears fall down my face.

"James...," Jordan began, but I cut him off before he could get another word out.

"No! No! I-I held him last night! I held him while he fell asleep! He's okay! He's okay!" I shouted over and over, refusing to believe what Jordan was claiming.

"Darn it, James! He's not okay!" Jordan yelled, becoming frustrated. "He's not! He's dead, alright? He's dead! He's dead! He's dead!"

 

I sat up at once, taking in a large gasp of air. I placed a hand to my eye, wiping away distraught tears. My breaths were uneven and quite loud, panic controlling them. That dream contained my deepest fear, losing the one I love.

Aleks.

"Aleks..." I whispered, I needed to know that the dream was only a dream. Never to become a reality, never to become my reality. "Aleks, Aleks, Aleks..." I muttered to myself, looking to the left and seeing the edge of the bed. I turned my head to my right and let out a sigh of relief.

I have never been so happy to see his adorable face. He was off in another world, escaping from the horrors that bound him. He was half way under the blanket, slightly silent snores emitting from him. His breaths were simple and calm, unlike mine completely. 

I swallowed abruptly, afraid to go back to sleep. I didn't want another dream like that, losing Aleks to world so malignant and brutal. Losing Aleks to Nate who's so malignant and brutal.

"If you are ever feeling scared, or worried, or if you feel alone, you hold me close, okay? You hold me close and listen to my heartbeat." My words from before resurfaced in my mind. "Just listen to my heartbeat..."

I slowly lowered myself to lay on the mattress once more, still feeling uneasy and vulnerable. I pressed my head against Aleks' chest, sighing as I listened.

Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum.

I smiled to myself. "You're still here." I mumbled breathlessly. "You're...You're still here." Warm tears began to replace the bitter ones. I closed my eyes, concentrating on Aleks' pulse.

Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum.

Is this how he heard my heartbeat? Pleasant? Peaceful? Harmonic?

Because that's how I heard his.  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum.

I listened to his constant beat for hours. Just laying still, ear pressed to his chest, a small smile lingering on my face. I didn't move, he didn't wake. I couldn't get back to sleep, but this made up for it. Every moment of this was better than hopelessly sleeping, wanting for a dream rather than a nightmare. 

This was much better than a nightmare. Better than a dream. Far from hell and way beyond heaven. That was what Aleks was, something greater. Something better. Than what, though? What was he better than? What was he greater than?

...everything...

Everything. He was greater than everything. Out of every single person, he would always stand out. Out of every planet, he would be the magnificent one, shimmering with oceans of blue. Out of every star, he would be the one I would cast a wish upon. A wish to just lay here with him, forever. To know that he would still be here with me.

Forever.

I tilted my head up to look up at Aleks as I heard him sigh. He yawned quietly before slowly opening his eyes, those eyes that are just as lovely as him. Just as unique. Just as beautiful. His eyes trailed down to mine, his were so amazing in the morning. His pupils dilated just the slightest bit, the onyx shade they possess. The contrasting of the different hues of color in his eyes was just heart stopping. Absolutely stunning of how the light mixed with the dark, how the sepia and amber tint balanced marvelously.

Was that the shiest trace of silver?

"James?" Aleks asked, his voice quiet and low. "W...What are you doing?" He wondered, confusion clouding over his eyes. Please don't cover them... 

"I, uh, I had a nightmare." I told him, chuckling nervously. "It kind of scared me, I just needed...needed to know that you were still here." I admitted, pursing my lips while biting at my tongue. Aleks looked at me with an unreadable expression, I didn't know what he was thinking. To be frank, I was a little afraid of what he could be thinking. "Did you sleep okay?" I asked, changing the subject.

Aleks seemed a bit relieved by that. "Yeah, I-I slept good." Aleks timidly responded, nodding his head. I smiled shyly as he sat up, I lifted myself off of his chest. He looked down at the blanket after answering, lightly grazing his wrist. He wasn't rubbing at it vigorously, he knew he had no reason to be scared here. He was overcoming this event in his life and I was proud of him. 

I pushed myself closer to him and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. He always seemed to like it when I did that. I sat up next to him, meeting his gaze after the kiss. His cheeks were a bit pink as he showed a milquetoast smile.

I sighed steadily as I spoke. "Before we left the office yesterday, Jordan wanted me to tell you that you take as long as you need off. He just wants you to recover fully, you don't have to rush to get back to work." I told him, adjusting myself so my legs were crossed.

"Okay." Aleks replied, taking his attention off of his wrist. "Wait, w-what about you?" Aleks asked anxiously, his eyes filling with fear. 

"I'll be right here next to you. You don't have to worry, I'll be here taking care of you." I reassured, smiling to calm Aleks down. He pressed his back against the bedframe once more, letting out a long breath. I knew what he was thinking: he would be safe. 

He is safe.

"So, what do you want to do today?" I questioned, examining those remarkable irises. 

Aleks looked back down again, inhaling sharply before speaking. "Um, if-if you, uh, don't mind... C-Could..." He didn't continue his question, he shook his head subtly.

"It's okay, Aleks. Go on." I urged, needing to know what he wanted to say. I was teaching him how to work around his fears, one step at a time. 

"I was wondering if we could just...talk today." Aleks finished, wringing his hands. "Ever since that night, I've kind of distanced myself from the others. From you." Aleks explained, glancing up at the mention of me. "With all of this happening, it's pushing away any and all normalcy and...I want to return to that. Just us joking, laughing, having a good time." He sighed. "I just want to talk, if that's okay with you."

It would be a lie if I were to say that I wasn't proud of Aleks. He's been through so much, the darker side to life that imprisons the innocent. After experiencing what he has, it's amazing to watch him pick up the pieces and try again. Though, it gets hard at times, he always finds a way to build up his courage. With or without me, he'd turn out okay. 

"Well, you know what?" I asked, dipping my head down to catch his gaze. "That sounds like a perfect way to spend the day." Aleks lifted his head a bit, sniffling to avoid inevitable tears.

"Really?" He wondered, his voice feeble.

"Really." I assured, placing a hand of his shoulder. His tensed a bit when we made contact, but slowly relaxed once, presumably, remembering that I would never dare hurt him. "How about we go out into the kitchen and I'll make us some breakfast? Does that sound good?" 

Aleks raised his head after my suggestion. "Very good." He commented while smiling. It had been so long since I had seen that smile...

"Hey, there's that smile!" I giggled, making Aleks' blush darken to a shade of cerise. I leaned in and wrapped my arms around him, holding him close to me. He gently placed his arms on my back, nuzzling his head into my shoulder. It was a small action, but it was the best feeling in the world. Knowing someone needed me as much as I needed them. So much I would do to make that feeling last as long as possible.

Eternity is my goal.

"I liked it when you rubbed my back." Aleks stated, taking in a small gasp of air. "It was really nice of you...to do that. Thank you." Aleks swallowed, inching his head closer to the crook of my neck. 

"I just didn't want you in pain, I thought you deserved to relax for once." I confessed, slowly moving my hands in the same circular motion on his back like yesterday. My heart shattered once I saw those scars. I pressured Aleks into showing me, I regret putting him in that position. Those scratches weren't like the rest of his marks. The cut lip and bruises would fade with time, but those scratches were permanent. He would have those forever. 

Can a heart shatter twice?

"Just say it, just say it." Aleks mumbled quietly to himself, almost silently. He cleared his throat. "Can you... Can you do that again today?" Aleks wondered, he seemed a bit hesitant with his request, but he said it anyway. God, he's amazing... "It...It really helped. It felt good."

I happily chuckled in his ear, rocking him back and forth like before. "Of course, Aleks. Of course." I turned my head to see his face, his smile turning into a timid one.

"Let's go get breakfast, okay?"  
* * * * * * * * * * * * 

"You seriously never went fishing again?" Aleks asked while calming his laughter. It was great to hear his laugh again, it meant that he was okay. He was in a good place and had no constant worries beating him down. 

"I got stung in the fucking armpit as soon as I got there! After that, I didn't even want to step foot outside!" I argued, sitting myself up from leaning against the couch armrest. I smiled once Aleks burst into laughter again, his cheeks flaring pink. He sat on the opposite side of the couch, the sunlight's beam from the nearby window made Aleks' eyes seem to glow. I couldn't stop getting lost in them, I missed them every time Aleks blinked.

"What if I got Jordan to take you on a fishing trip?" Aleks joked, resting his head against his hand. He gave me a devilish grin as he spoke.

"Then I would come back with an excuse of why Jordan's missing." I snickered, tossing a throw pillow at Aleks playfully. He chortled to himself while pushing the pillow onto the floor. I sighed loudly while ceasing my laughter, Aleks doing the same as I found myself studying those eyes again.

The conversation between us had ended, silence filling it's place. It was unlike the rest of the day, which was spent just like how Aleks wanted it: joking, laughing, having a good time. The quiet didn't barge in until now, it was such an unsettling passenger. Mainly because it was screaming for the truth, for what needed to be talked about. 

"Hey, uh...I don't mean to change the mood or anything, but...do you know when you're gonna...report what happened to you?" I shyly asked, watching Aleks' shoulder tense up as I spoke. He was just as afraid as I was about the topic.

"I-I don't know...when exactly. I want it to be soon, I can't deal with...him...still being out there somewhere. But, I'm just...I'm afraid to." Aleks admitted, hugging himself. 

"I get that, it's-it's okay, Aleks. I don't want to pressure you-," My statement was cut off my Aleks' worried words. 

"Cause-Cause when I report it, it's definitely going to turn into a cou-court case. I'm no good with s-situations like that." Aleks' words started to become more slurred and panicked as he talked on. He rubbed at his wrist again, his anxiety increasing. To be frank, I was a bit frightened of Aleks' condition. "I-I'm not good w-with pressure an-an-and they're g-gonna make me rep-repeat what ha-happened and," His breathing increased rapidly, tears forming in his eyes.

"Aleks, calm down. Aleks, it's okay, please, just calm down." I whispered, leaning forward as sorrow started to consume me. I didn't know what to do, Aleks was panicking out of control. I felt myself start to tremble while having to witness the man I love just...break. 

"And he-he's gonna be th-there! Oh god, he's gonna be there! He's-He's gonna t-taunt me, he's gonna hurt me! He's gonna hurt me!" Aleks shouted, tears rushing out of his eyes. "No! Don't! Please, don't! I'm sorry! Please! Please! No! No! No!" He screamed, closing his eyes tightly while driving his nails into his wrist.

"Aleks! Aleks!" I worriedly called his name, cupping the side of his face to earn his attention. "Aleks!" I called again, terrified tears rolling down my cheeks. He inhaled sharply upon opening his eyes which were flooded with fear. He scanned my face frantically, whimpering with each exhale. "Aleks, it's okay. It's okay, I'm here. It's me, James. Not Nate, James."

"James." Aleks repeated, his voice frail. "James, James." He whispered over and over as he placed his arms around my neck. He held me tightly, trying to silence his cries into my shirt sleeve. 

"I'm here, it's okay. I'm here. Calm down, Aleks. It's alright." I muttered again and again, leaning the two of us back. His body shook in my arms, he was that terrified. I slowly placed him against the backrest of the couch, position him so he was cradled in my lap, one of my arms under his back, the other holding him by the waist. He continued sobbing into my shoulder as I placed kiss after kiss on his forehead.

I rested my head against his as he cried on. "It's alright, I'm sorry for bringing it up. It's okay now, it's okay." I mumbled, planting another kiss on his forehead.

"I-I...I-I-It-It's...," Aleks' words came out jumbled and stuttered, his lip quivered when he tried to speak. He shook his head, knowing he couldn't get the words out as he clutched onto me tighter. I groaned quietly as I felt his nails pierce my skin. But, that was alright. It wasn't as much pain as Aleks endured, and this just showed that he didn't want to let me go. He needed me and I would always stand next to him. Always hold him up. Always hold him. Close to me so he could hear my beating heart, close to me so he'd know that I was still here, close to me so he would have someone to hold in return.

Have me to hold in return.

We stayed like that for a while. I'm not even sure of how long we spent holding one another just waiting for the tears to stop falling. For the breaths to return to normal. For the fears to lay dormant for now. I lifted my head up from leaning against Aleks' and looked around the apartment. The sunlight was growing brighter, advising that the sun was setting.

How long were we here...?

That didn't matter, Aleks mattered. I tilted my back down again, seeing Aleks' head against my chest as he took a few deep breaths. He opened his eyes slowly, dried tears covering them. He looked weak, crying must have drained him of energy. His eyes still looked as magnificent as always. 

Maybe he'd be glad to hear that for himself...

"Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are beautiful?" I wondered, watching Aleks lift his head up to see me fully. He focused on my face for a moment before shaking his head slowly. I sighed, displaying a little smile. "Well...they are." I went on, noticing Aleks blush a bit. "They really are beautiful. I...I love them." I laughed slightly. I swallowed before speaking again.

"Just as much as I love you."

"Wha...?" Aleks whispered, staring at me with a confused expression.

I chuckled nervously as I looked away. "I...I do. I love you." I repeated, realizing how much I did. "Y-You are an amazing person, Aleks," I began, turning my head back to see him, "I labeled you that the first time I met you. But, now...now I'm also seeing that you're much, much more than that." I paused, staring into Aleks' gorgeous eyes.

"This...horrible event happened to you." I shook my head at the thought of it. "It's just so awful and I'm so sorry that it happened." I withdrew a small breath. "But, it's uplifting to see you put your life back in place. It really is incredible to see how b-brave and lionhearted you are." Aleks looked down, a vague smile tugging at his lips. 

"You're inspiring, and marvelous, and...and breathtaking." I continued, closing my eyes for a brief moment. "And...I love you." I opened my eyes again. "I love you." I reiterated, feeling warm tears fill my eyes. I fixated on Aleks' face, it read slight worry and apprehension. 

I then recollected what I has just admitted and my smile disappeared entirely. I felt the air escape my lungs as I looked away, feeling absolutely appalled by my action. "Oh my god...Aleks, I am...so sorry." I apologized, feeling my grip on him loosen. "God, I'm-I'm so terrible. I'm a terrible person..." My voice trailed off as I shook my lethargically. "Y-You're not ready for...for something like this. You're not ready, you've already gone through too much. Now, here I am dumping this on you." A few tears fell down my face, all I wanted to do was cry it all away. "I'm so horrible, I'm so sorry, Aleks. I'm...I'm sorry..."

What have I done? Aleks isn't ready for this. He's insecure about relationships and love. He's still recovering from what happened. I'm so stupid, why did I say that? God, I'm terrible...why can't I free myself from this curse...?

"James..." Aleks spoke up, grabbing hold of one of my hands to catch my attention. I stared at him with blurred vision, wondering in awe about what he could possible say. "James, i-it...it's okay." He mumbled, his hand never removing itself from mine. "It's okay, James. It's alright." He paused for a moment, closing his eyes and letting out a long, relaxing breath.

"W-We...we can have something..." He timidly stated, inching his eyes open again. "We can have s-something." He repeated, nodding his head. "I-I feel safe with you. I trust you. A lot." He lifted his other hand and wiped a few of my tears away. His hand felt so soft when it touched my cheek. "We can have something. Don't cry." He gave a small smile.

Is this what it felt like when I took care of him? 

"And you say you're not brave." I joked, giving his hand on my face a quick kiss. "W...We'll go slow, okay? Nothing too fast, or-or rushed, or at a-a pace you're not comfortable with." I explained. "We'll go slow. For you." I finished, flashing a grin.

"Thank you." Aleks whispered, reaching up and wrapping his arms around me. "Thank you for everything you're doing for me." He muttered in my ear. "You have no idea how much it means."

My arms still held him by the back and waist as he hugged me. "Thank you. This is a really big step and...I am just so happy for you about taking it." I pressed my lips against his cheek.

"Can you...say it again?" Aleks questioned as he sniffled.

I chuckled lightly to myself. "I love you, Aleks. I love you, I always will." I told him, smiling afterwards. Not only did it sound good for Aleks to hear it, it felt good for me to say it. "You don't have to say it back just yet, okay?" I assured. "You don't have to say it if you're not ready. But, I will be here to help you to be ready, and when you are ready."

"Thank you for understanding. Thank you, thank you, James." Aleks acknowledged over and over. 

Silence returned like earlier, except this was a consoling type of silence. No words could match the feeling in my heart, so none were said. The silence was all I needed.

"Do you really think my eyes are beautiful?" Aleks questioned, his voice filled with hope.

"They're as beautiful as you." I explained, tilting my head so I could catch a quick glimpse. "Really beautiful." I sighed, holding Aleks closer. I started running my hand up and down his back, pausing when I felt one of the scars beneath the fabric. "How about I rub your back again?" I suggested, remembering my promise made this morning.

 

"Sure." Aleks agreed. "It felt really good last night." He confessed, rubbing his head against my shoulder. I stood up from the couch slowly, dubiously removing myself from our hug. Aleks took a shallow breath before gradually taking off his shirt and laying chest down on the couch. He wore an innocent smile while I sat on the edge of the couch, grateful for such pleasure to be given to him.

I started the same way I did last night, slowly rubbing both hands in a circular motion before spreading to the rest of Aleks' back. He sighed satisfyingly, his eyes closed as he relaxed. I trailed my fingers down one of the scars, how deep and red it appeared. I couldn't imagine what it felt like, having someone drag their nails painfully down your back...

That must have been the reason for the other droplets of blood...

The pain must have been so agonizing, I don't think I would've been able to put up with it like Aleks had. He's just so unbelievable. So astounding. So...divine. He denies it, but he is. And all he deserves is to relax and be at ease. After massaging one of his scars, I leaned forward slightly and kissed it softly. I removed my lips from the scar and kissed one next to it. Then the one above that.

Aleks let out a sound of appreciation as I kissed each and every scar. "Thank you...," Aleks whispered as I lifted my head back up, "that feels nice..." His voice trailed off as he hummed happily again. 

"That's good. I just want you to relax, you deserve it." I informed him, running my fingers over his shoulder blades. 

This went on for a few more minutes, the   
sunset had faded, leaving the navy blue sky to replace it. My hands stopped moving as I looked down at the scratches and cuts. To others they would be dark memories branded onto you for life. But to me, they were battle scars. They proved the misery Aleks went through, and how he survived it. How he overcame it. How he conquered. They would never go away, but that was alright. Aleks still looked beautiful, with or without those marks.

I sighed as I angled myself forward and lightly laid myself on Aleks' back. I placed another kiss on Aleks' cheek as he smiled, a real, true, bold smile. I closed my eyes, taking in Aleks' warmth and scent. 

"James...?" Aleks quietly asked, his voice seeming a bit tired.

"Yeah? What is it?" I responded, pushing myself off of him somewhat. He opened his eyes gently as he spoke, taking in a steady breath.

"I think I'm ready to report what happened to me."


	5. Chapter 5: Is This What You Want?

(Aleks' POV)

I rolled on my side to get a better look at his face. James' face, the face of the man who loves me. James loves me. It's a good feeling, being loved. Being understood. Being cared about. I never thought I could recover from what happened, I wouldn't be able to fight this. 

Now I know I can. And I will.

I hope.

I smiled once seeing his face, unaware as he slept. His eyes delicately closed, his chest slowly moving up and down. His hand was still lightly draped over mine from last night. I sighed pleasingly, focused on James' handsome face. This man loved me, and it made me feel...I don't know. I'm not sure exactly what I was feeling, I couldn't name it. I had never felt like this before, but it made me feel heard. It made me feel important, desired, and most of all...good.

It made me feel good to be me. Good to lead the life I was living, to make the decisions I choose, to trust those who trusted me. I could relax and remain calm, I always had a shoulder to lean on. At times, to cry on. But, the second the tears went away, that feeling returned. Confidence starting showing through again. Not all of it, but enough for me to be proud of myself, too. 

What was this mysterious feeling? I only felt it when I was with James, this feeling was for him, I suppose. What made me feel this way? Admiration? I did look up to James, he was so reliable and determined. But, I recognized when I was feeling appreciation. I didn't know how to describe this feeling at all.

What was it? Gratefulness? The remains of fear? Shyness? Respect? The beginning to hope? Gratitude? Devotion? Or, was this feeling a combination of it all? Devotion towards James as he soothed my fears and replaced it with hope. He respected my shyness along side my gratitude and gratefulness. Well, what was that called?

...Love? 

I was terrified of that word. Hearing James say it was acceptable, but me feeling it...just scared me. Last time I thought I loved someone, I was hurt so badly by them. I don't want that to happen again, I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I didn't want this to happen, yet I can't help but feel this way towards James.

No. I'm tired of being afraid. James has done so much for me, he deserves something in return. 

I let out a long breath as I slowly leaned closer to James' face. I closed my eyes as I felt my lips press against his cheek. I stayed there for a few seconds before pulling away somewhat. I laughed quietly to myself, amazed that I actually did it, I kissed James on the cheek. Not only did I do that, I took another step up the stairs of recovery.

I sat back as I let out a silent exhale, still studying James. Suddenly, his blank expression changed into a content smile. I soon became nervous, now knowing that he was actually awake. Oh god, what is he gonna say? What's he going to say? I waited for a response from James as I started to rub my wrist again. 

Old habits die hard.

"You're cute, you know that, Aleks?" James said in his groggy state, sleepily opening his eyes. "Really cute." He sat up while laughing to himself. I smiled diffidently, feeling a light blush spread across my cheeks. "That was a good way to wake up." James stated, reaching over the bed to stroke the side of my face tenderly. "I love you." 

James paused a moment, still brushing the side of my face with his fingers. He stared into my eyes, smiling happily to himself. He then slowly began to lean in, closer to me. My palms started to get clammy as my worry increased. I aimed my head farther away as I whimpered, I wasn't ready for that. The kiss on his cheek was hard enough, but a kiss on the lips? Our very first kiss? It was too overwhelming, I couldn't take that step just yet.

James stopped in his place once I receded away, sighing with realization of why I stepped down. "I'm sorry..." I whispered, afraid to meet his gaze. I felt horrible, James had done so much for me, and I couldn't even repay him with a true kiss. "I'm really sorry..." I added, feeling utterly terrible for James.

"It's alright, Aleks." James told me, his voice sounding cheerful as usual. "It's okay, you're-you're not there yet. I shouldn't have sprung this on you. It's alright."

I shook my head as I lifted my eyes back up to James again. "James...w-why are you wasting your time with me?" I questioned, hearing my voice crack. 

"What...what are you talking about?" James wondered, his expression changing to one of concern. 

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat before going on. "I-I'm clearly...going t-to have commitment is-issues with what we have. I'm not r-ready for some things, and I feel terrible when I can't k-kiss you, or-or say how much I care for you, or even h-hold you in certain ways." I let out a shuddered breath. 

"Aleks, if what he have is too much for you to handle right now-" James began, but my trembling voice cut him off.

"No! I-I want what we have, I like it. A lot. This is what I w-want. But, I just feel like shit when you do all of this f-for me, and I'm just too afraid to do something in return." I explained, hanging my head low. "I want to tell you how much I like you...but, I'm scared to say it because..." I couldn't continue.

"Because the last time you loved someone, they hurt you?" James finished, his voice growing quiet. I nodded my head calmly, sniffling a few times. "Aleks, it's okay that you're not ready. But, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up you." James started, lifting my chin up with pointer and thumb. "I know you care, I can feel it. And I find it adorable when you try, you're recovering and I'm so happy for you. 

"You don't have to feel bad when you can't say you love me back, or if you're not ready to kiss. It's okay, believe me, it's okay." He wiped away a few tears that had escaped my eyes. "You don't have to force yourself to do things you're uncomfortable with. I want you to do them when you're ready. I don't want to rush you or pressure you, you do them when you know you can. 

"I'm not wasting my time with you. That is the last thing I am doing." He smiled again. "What I'm doing is enjoying every moment I spend with you because I love you. And I need you, a lot. More than you think." He explained, reaching over and placing his arms around me. 

"I-I need you, too." I replied before taking a small breath. I tilted my head and kissed his cheek again, this time for longer. I pulled away as James turned his head to meet me. He smiled brightly as he placed a kiss on my forehead. 

"Ready to speak with your lawyer today?" James wondered, laying himself against the head board again. 

"Yeah, I am." I answered, wearing a vague smile. "It's going to be okay." I added watching James smile at my words.

"It will be, I promise." He commented, yawning quietly. He leaned forward to ruffle my hair as he stepped out of bed and to the bathroom.

I sighed as I lay back down on the bed, holding the pillow James slept on. Everything would be alright, I wasn't in this alone. I had James, the man who understood me more than anyone. He loved me the way I was: broken. I didn't have to pretend my pieces were mended and that my fear was gone. He saw the shattered bits of my life and started placing them back together. He may have gotten cut a few times, but he paid no mind to them. He just wanted me to get better. He wouldn't give up until each and every piece was back together.

And he wouldn't leave me when he finished.  
* * * * * * * * * * * 

I sat down nervously at the table, letting out a sustained breath as I took a seat next to James. I placed my arms on the table, allowing my hands to catch my head as I swallowed nervously. I bit the inside of my mouth, closing my eyes as I felt James' hand rest on my shoulder.

"Hey, are you alright?" James asked as I lifted my head somewhat. I heaved a heavy sigh to try and calm myself down.

"Yeah, I'll be alright. Just a little nervous, that's all." I informed him, restraining myself from kneading at my wrist again. I pressed my fingers into my palm, piercing it multiple times.

"Don't worry, it's all gonna be okay. You're in good hands." James assured, placing a small peck on my cheek. I grinned shyly as I heard the sound of a door opening, aiming my head to see who had entered the conference room. 

A woman walked in wearing a comforting smile. She had her red hair pulled back into a neat bun as she wore a gray skirt and a lacey blouse. "Hi, I'm Sharon Hoffman, I am going to be your attorney. You must be Aleksandr Marchant." She greeted me with a mollifying tone. She stuck out her hand as I slowly took it. She was a sweet woman, her eyes were an emerald green as they lit up when she smiled. Her eyes trailed over to James. "And who must you be?" She kindly asked, her voice a little high pitched.

"Oh, I'm Aleks' friend. James Wilson." He introduced himself as he shook her hand politely.

"Well, it's nice to meet the both of you." She said, taking a seat across the mahogany table. She sighed. "Okay, let's get down to business. So, Aleks, can I call you that?" She wondered as I nodded. "You called authorities two nights ago to report what happened to you. Correct?" She wondered, her green eyes studying mine.

"Uh, yeah. That's right." I agreed, nodding my head. 

"I am extremely sorry for what happened. It is just...terrible and I am so, so sorry." She sympathized. "I will do everything in my power to see that Mr. Dagen pays for what he did. It won't be easy, but I will."

"Thank you for doing this." James spoke up as she smiled. "It's really going to help a lot." He looked over at me before turning back to Sharon.

"I'm just doing my job." She commented, giggling quietly. "Anyway, we have 'tracked down', if you will, Mr. Dagen a few hours ago and he, surprisingly, agreed to a pre-trial which will be held on the 19th of this month, so the beginning of next week. Sunday, to be exact, at 6:30." She summed up. "Mr. Dagen has spoken with his lawyer as well, much like this meeting right now. His attorney, though, he's a tough nut to crack."

"How so?" I heard myself ask, wondering what she meant.

"His lawyer is Jared Gibson, who is very skilled at his job and has won over twenty five cases in the past year and a half. He plays hard ball, but don't worry about him." She calmed me down as I tensed in my seat. "Mr. Dagen is the real problem. He's claiming that you started the conflict and he punched you in self defense. He claimed he never abused you sexually."

"That's not true. He did. He did, Sharon, he did. My life will...never be same after what he did to me..." I muttered, afraid of the possibility that Nate had a chance in this case. With a little lying...he could be walking around as a free man, waiting to get revenge on me...

"We do have enough evidence to support Aleks though, right?" James questioned, leaning forward in his seat. I was glad he was here, I wouldn't have thought of these questions on my own.

"Yes, we do. That evidence is what made us able to make this a court case. With the marks on Aleks' face and when a forensics team examined the bed at his apartment, it gave us a one way ticket to an indeed trial." Sharon clarified, tucking a loose hair behind her right ear. "As much as I like to give such good news, though, there is a loop hole that Jared will almost definitely use against you, Aleks." Her voice dialed down somewhat.

"A loop hole? W-What loop hole? What is it?" I inquisitively wondered, the thoughts racing through my mind. 

"It is the fact that it took almost a week for you to finally report what happened." She solemnly responded, dipping her head a bit.

I sighed shakily, drifting my eyes to the floor. Nate could possibly...win. He was a good liar, he had a defensive lawyer, and now he had a loop hole to his advantage. He was going to walk. He was going to walk all over me. He was going to hurt me. Over and over and over...

"They can't do that, can they?" James queried, his voice getting quieter as he spoke.

"It will most likely happen. He's done it before, finding any and all possible advances for his client. I'm sorry. But, I promise you, I will do all I can to prove him wrong." Sharon apprised, her eyes darting from James to me.

"They're gonna hold the fact that I was too scared to call anyone against me?" I asked, feeling even more panicked. "I was scared for my life, I was raped for god's sake." I paused, trying to process it all. "I was so afraid, I didn't know who to trust and now I'm being penalized for that?" It took all of my strength to stop from crying. I let out an exasperated sigh. "Oh my god..." I mumbled, putting my head in my hands again.

"Don't fret, Aleks. James and I are going to help you win this. Mr. Dagen is guilty, I know that now. We're going to help you." Sharon reassured. Her voice may have been calming, but the fact that Nate had a chance to win weighed my heart down.

I lifted my head up and took a large breath. "I'm-I'm sorry, I need some air." I excused myself, standing up from the leather bound chair. "Thank you for everything, Sharon." I thanked her before I opened the door to the room. I walked down the hallway and exited the lobby. I leaned myself against one of the marble pillars out front of the building as I breathed deeply in and out. In and out.

In. And out.

Nate was going to win. I knew it, I didn't stand a chance. That was why I was afraid of doing this, I was afraid of losing to him. Again. I wasn't brave, I wasn't strong, I wasn't fearless, I wasn't inspiring. I was an idiot, I was worthless, I was weak, I was pathetic.

I was going to lose.

At the thought of that, something inside of me just...snapped. The sadness disappeared for now and was replaced with hatred. Anger. Rage. Nate did this to me, he watched me fall and now he's going to push me down even further. I refused to take anymore pain he put upon me. How many tears he made me shed. How many layers of hell he dragged me through and left me in.

I started running.

"Aleks?!?" I heard James' voice shout from behind me. "Aleks?!? Where are you going?!?" He yelled over and over, but I just kept running. Faster. And faster, until James' shouts became faint and soon seemed to vanish. My breaths became pants as I turned a corner and ran even faster. I wanted to turn around and find myself in James' arms, but I couldn't stop. My anger controlled me and forced me to go to the one place where it all started.

Isn't that what he would've wanted?

My legs ached and lungs singed, but I kept running. No matter how sore or worn out I felt, I didn't stop until I ran down a familiar street and turned a familiar corner which met a familiar apartment building. My apartment building, the place where my anger pulled me like a magnet. Away from the safety and protection James provided. To a somber nightmare that lived fifteen minutes away.

I opened the glass door and marched up the stairs, sweat starting to pour down my face. Or, was that just my tears? I couldn't tell anymore, I didn't care anymore. I made my way to my door and pulled the key out of my jacket, placing it in the keyhole without hesitation.

Unlocked.

I pushed the door open, it slamming against the wall with a bang. I jumped at the sound, it sounded exactly like when Nate shut the door when he left me scarred, terrified, and crying. Not to mention, bleeding.

I walked up to my bedroom door and pushed it open, ripping down any crime scene tape from the forensics team. I stared at the bed, it was over a week since it had happened. Since I was tortured in this very room. My vexation had brought me here, to see this blood stained memory come back into play. All of my anger had brought me to this. 

And I know what it wanted me to do.

I clutched the blanket in my hand and threw off of the bed. I grabbed at the pillows, tossing them across the the room forcefully, one of them knocking down and breaking my table lamp. I clawed at the sheets, ripping and tearing them to shreds. "Is this what you fucking want, Nate?!?" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Is this what you want?!?" I screamed again, there was a puddle of dried blood stained onto the sheet. I yanked at the sheet and tore it in half, tearing the blood spatter right down the middle. 

I threw myself off of the bed, still shouting and yelling loudly. I slipped my hands under the mattress as I lifted it up and flung it away from me. It crashed against my dresser, causing a large corner of my dresser to break off. "Is this want you wanted from me, Nate?!? To show I'm worth something?!?" I yelled, punching a hole in my box spring. And another. And another. I grabbed the box spring and threw it to the side, it knocking down my curtains and denting the wall with a booming thud.

I walked to the foot board, pulling on it so hard that it came off of the frame. I lifted it over my head and threw it at my closet door, the sound of wood impacting wood clapped like thunder. I grabbed the bed frame in my fist and threw my arms up, the bed frame colliding against the wall as it stood up. I walked to the side and kicked it over and over, causing it to topple over onto the wall, a few mere inches from cracking the window.

"Is this what you want?!?" I shouted again, looking at the destruction I had caused. "Is this...what you fucking...want..." My voice trailed off as I fell to my knees. I placed my head in my hands as I started to cry. The anger was gone and the sadness returned to reside in it's usual place: my heart. I hadn't cried this hard since the night it all happened, my sobs increasing louder and louder. It was getting harder to breath, my tears choking me to death.

Why did I even come here? This place mocked me, the presence of Nate unable to leave it. This was the room I couldn't even be in, the memories were too harrowing. This was the room I couldn't even look at, I shut the door to keep it away. This was the room where something of me was lost, my confidence or my bravery or my innocence. How about my sanity? 

"Please! Stop! Please...AH, AH AAAH!!! PLEASE!! AAAH!! AAAH!!" My pained screams from before still echoed off of the walls.

"Help me..." I whispered, wiping away some tears. "Someone, please...please help me..." I begged while weeping away, repeating my words from when it happened.

"Aleks?" I heard James' familiar tone call my name quietly from the front doorway. He sighed to himself. "I had a feeling you were here." I heard his soft footsteps come nearer to me, but I couldn't lift my head up. I couldn't stop crying. "Oh, shit..." James muttered to himself as I knew he was examining the room. The room that haunted me. The room I destroyed. 

I felt James kneel down beside me and place a hand on my shoulder. I jolted my head up and looked at him, my eyes burning from all of the rubbing and crying. James looked like his heart had been fractured, his eyes becoming glossy. I hiccuped as I quickly leaned towards him and held him as tightly as possible. 

Why did I run away from this? This warmness James gave off? This comfort that I desired? That I needed so much? My anger possessed me, I couldn't think straight. All I could do was obey what my rage was yearning for me to do. But, now I was where I wanted to be: surrounded by James' arms and love. 

"Shh, shh. It's alright, it's alright, Aleks. Let it out. It's gonna be okay, I'm going to help you fight this." James whispered whilst kissing my forehead and cheek. "I'm always going to be here for you, I promise. I love you. It's okay." He mumbled over and over as I cried on.

"You're the only that does." I muttered, my voice decibels away from being unheard. "N-Nate has a chance...they don't care about me." I took a moment to catch my breath. "They don't care, they don't care..." I leaned my head against of the side of James'. "They don't care like you do." I whispered in his ear before letting my sobs consume me again.

It was true, the court was going to believe Nate's lies. They wouldn't care about my story, I was weak, to them and Nate. I didn't matter, for all they knew, my story was a lie. I would lose the case along with the rest of my hope...and possibly even James.

"Please don't leave me..." I pleaded, cupping the side of his face like he did with me. I pulled my head away to face him directly. "Please don't leave me." I repeated, my breaths choppy.

"Aleks, I could never leave you." He mumbled, resting his forehead against mine. "I promise you, no matter what happens, I will never, ever leave you. I could never. I need you." He told me, closing his eyes. "I need you." He stated once more, opening his eyes to stare wondrously into mine.

He meant it. I saw it.

He took a sudden breath before going on. "Let's get you home." As he said that, that mysterious feeling returned again, making the tears stop. 

"Home?" I asked quietly.

"Home."  
* * * * * * * * * * * 

I was crying myself to sleep.

James was taking a shower, so I didn't have his arms to comfort me. I didn't have anything to comfort me, my increasing fear made comfort seem impossible. Even holding James' pillow didn't stop the tears. It barely even fought them. 

My fear of Nate winning got the best of me again. I was scared of him coming after me as revenge for the whole court trial. What would he do to me? That was the question. I didn't know and the ideas were horrible. I hope he was proud of himself, he had scared me to the point where I was expecting him to come back. I expected him to hurt me worse. Possibly even...kill me...next time.

I muffled my cries into James' pillow, my tears soaking it. If Nate were here, he'd tell me to cry a river. To which he would probably drown me in... But, I was already drowning. In fear. In panic. In isolation.

In cries being silenced by cotton and polyester.

I couldn't believe Nate was lying about the story. I'm not all that surprised though, he wasn't above that. What I couldn't believe was that he had a pretty solid case, whereas I was still a mess from recovery. I was afraid to go to that stand, to testify against him. Who would believe my word over his? 

Nate was going to win, win power over me. I was going to lose, lose everything.

That was why I was crying myself to sleep.

I heard the bathroom door open, advising that James had finished. I muted my cries altogether, I didn't want James to see me so stressed out. His eyes were usually bright and lifting, but whenever he saw me break down, the light faded. His heart cracked. So did mine.

He sighed as he entered the room and sat on the bed, I heard him move around as if he were searching for something. "Aleks? Where the fuck's my pillow?" He asked. He didn't sound angry in general, but his words seemed bitter. As bitter as the alcohol on Nate's breath.

"H-Here." I stuttered, placing the pillow behind me and onto James' lap. "I'm-I'm sorry." I apologized, trying hard to sound as if I were okay. In all truth, that was the last thing I was feeling. Yet, James heard through my words and his concerned tone reappeared.

"Aleks? Are you doing alright?" James wondered, placing down the pillow and leaning over to me.

I shook my head slowly. "I'm really scared, James." I confessed, reluctantly rubbing at my wrist again. "Nate's gonna walk. He is, I know it. I just know it." I took in a sudden breath. "I'll never be safe with him out there. I won't be safe. I'm not safe." 

"Aleks, calm down, calm down." James mumbled while holding me around my stomach. 

"I can't." I sobbed, letting it all go. I was practicing for when I really did have to let it all go. To Nate. "I'm not safe! I'll never be! I'm not! I'm not safe..." I cried out again and again. 

"Aleks..." He murmured in my ear. "Shh, shh, shh, shh." He soothed me. I let out a few more shaky breaths as he held me closer. "Hey..." He started, but I couldn't stop my crying. It was never this bad before.

"I remember tears streaming down your face...," James started to sing into my ear. My wailing paused for moment as I listened. 

"When I said I'd never let you go When all those shadows almost killed your light"

I let go of a quiet breath as I listen on.

"I remember you said, don't leave me here alone   
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight"

James kissed my cheek before singing again. 

"Just close your eyes, the sun is going down   
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now   
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound..."

I closed my eyes as I listened, extra tears streaming down my cheeks. James may have been off pitch a little bit, but his singing sounded perfect.

He was perfect.

"Don't you dare look out your window, darling everything's on fire   
The war outside our door keeps raging on"

He leaned his head against the side of mine, nuzzling against my ear before kissing it.

"Hold onto this lullaby   
Even when the music's gone   
Gone..."

James' heartbeat was my lullaby. I'll never let that go. 

"Just close your eyes, the sun is going down   
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now   
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound..."

He hummed the bridge of the song into my ear tenderly. His voice was light and soft, I felt my heart rate return to normal and the redness of my eyes fade. My smile didn't, though. No, that would never go away.

"Just close your eyes, you'll be alright   
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound..."

He finished the song with a gentle kiss on my cheek. "You'll be alright, Aleks. You're safe, you're safe here." He purred in my ear. "You'll always be safe here because you can live here if you want."

I turned my head to face him. "R-Really?" I questioned, it sounded too good to be true.

"Of course. I'll get the rest of your stuff tomorrow, I'll help you move in, it'll be okay. I don't mind having you around. In fact, I love having you around." He explained, through the darkness, I could still see his bright smile.

"Thank you so much. You're really helping a lot. I owe you everything." I told him, feeling light tears sting my eyes. 

"No, you don't, Aleks. You don't owe me anything. I'm doing this for you, having you with me is all I need." I kissed James' cheek one last time as I lay back down in his arms. He giggled slightly as he kissed my cheek in return. "It's gonna be okay, sweetheart." 

I laughed playfully. "'Sweetheart'?" I joked as I felt myself blush.

"Would you rather me call you 'asshole'?" James joked, snickering to himself as he tickled me lightly.

"Would you rather me bring up the fact that you listen to Taylor Swift?" I returned, enjoying the fact that we were bickering like the good old days. Sad to think the good old days was the day before...Nate...happened. Just a little over a week back.

"Oh, shut up." James teased, placing another kiss on my cheek. He sighed as he snuggled close to me, his arms sliding down so they were holding my waist. Though I was a bit afraid of him holding me like this, I relaxed myself remembering that it wasn't Nate.

It was James. My savior, my hero, my hope. 

My love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Thanks for reading another chapter! Song Used: "Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift


	6. Chapter 6: That's When The Yelling Started

(James' POV) 

I pulled my shirt over my head and stared at myself in the mirror. I sighed, looking back at my reflection while thinking about the events from the past few days. In all honesty, it was too much to handle, but I've been able to manage. I've been able to help Aleks as well as myself. 

When I was with Aleks, every problem I had seemed to fade away. I wasn't worried about listening to my heart anymore, what it provided is what Aleks needed. Deserved, is much of a better word. I wasn't scared to let my feelings show, I hadn't done that for...such a long time. Aleks loved my care just as much as I loved him. It was okay that he wasn't ready to say those three words. When he smiled or nodded when I said it, that was all I needed.

I knew Aleks cared, it was alright for him to be afraid. After what he went through, I didn't expect his fear to be gone just like that. I knew his fear wouldn't be gone just like that. But, I could feel his love and devotion. I knew it was there, not only did his actions hint at it, but his eyes showed it clearly.

The way he looked at me was just heart stopping. I could see everything he was feeling, everything he was nervous to show or admit. It made his eyes shine like the ruby on a scepter, glinting in a certain kind of way. His eyes seemed a bit brighter, the chocolate brown transforming into a light toffee, yet not so bright to cover the golden tint. 

And that little sparkle from the passion just topped it all off.

I wished my eyes looked like that, so out of the ordinary and awe inspiring. Compared to his, mine just seemed...bland. Boring. The usual cocoa color. No hues or hints or traces of anything spectacular. Just...brown. Not light nor dark, just regular, shit stain brown. 

Maybe, there is something hidden under them, something I'm not seeing. Perhaps a slight glimmer, or shade, or balance of pigments. But, what if I don't find it when I'm searching? What if I don't see it at all? But, what if others do? They see the hidden glimmer, or shade, or balance of pigments. Though, how are they supposed to find it when the normalcy of my eyes might cover it up?

Alike my personality.

My eyes also covered up what I was feeling, my little secrets. I may have always been in an alright mood, but underneath, no one really knew my real feeling. If I was embarrassed, or upset, or worried, no one knew. All they saw was the personality cover up. People would never know how they make me feel, unless I tell them of course, which I was a bit afraid to do. 

But, Aleks is helping me through that. He doesn't even realize it, but he's taught me to trust my heart and to let my emotions show. I have no reason for my cement walls anymore, I was allowing my feelings to be free and it felt...good. Better than good, it felt great. I don't even know why I was afraid to show my feeling to begin with.

You know exactly why, a voice derided me, you know why you were scared. Because of what he did to you. Ever since that moment when reality sliced you like a serrated blade, you've become insecure. You know what moment, the voice went on. That moment when Da-

My thoughts were cut off by the sound of yelling. The sound of a familiar voice yelling. The sound of Aleks yelling. "James?!? James?!?" Aleks shouted over and over, he sounded as if he were close to tears. 

I abruptly left the bathroom and headed for my bedroom. Our bedroom? I opened the door to see Aleks looking frantically left and right before meeting my gaze and sighing slightly. I walked up to him and sat on the edge of the bed. Our bed? "Aleks, are you alright?" I asked, cupping the right side of his face. He took a shaky breath as I slid across the blanket towards him. Our blanket?

"I'm-I'm alright. I just...I had a bad dream and I got really nervous when I woke up alone." Aleks confessed, closing his eyes. Luckily, no tears ran down his face as he did so. 

I smiled lightly as I bowed his head a bit to place a kiss on his forehead. "It's okay, Aleks. I wouldn't leave you." I reassured, watching the glitter in Aleks' eyes reappear. God, it melted my heart... "You don't have to worry, I was just getting dressed for today. I'll be heading over to your place to pick up the rest of your stuff."

"H...How long are you going to be gone?" Aleks wondered, I felt his hand lightly hold my arm. 

"About an hour or two, give or take." I answered. Aleks seemed to tense a little at my response. I would be gone for two hours. He was afraid to be alone. "Are you going to be okay here by yourself?" I questioned, toying with a tuft of hair behind Aleks' ear. 

He nodded his head before speaking. "I think I'll be alright. I'll just...spend the day watching TV or something." He replied, his grasp on my arm loosened, although it was already weak. He withdrew a simple breath whilst leaning his back against the headrest. My hand glided over his cheek as he moved father back, my hand falling back onto the bed. 

"If you get worried or scared when I'm gone, just think about today, alright?" I assured, scooting a bit closer to him. "Just think about moving in, rearranging the place, starting over in a new apartment." I paused. "Our apartment." I added, watching Aleks shyly smile at the thoughts.

"It's gonna be a good day." Aleks commented, his pink blush complemented his eyes wonderfully. "It really is, today's gonna be great." 

I giggled quietly. "You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that." I told him, interlocking my hand with his. I saw his smile widen as he looked down at our hands. "You're brave, you're recovering. It just makes me so proud of you. It only makes me love you more." 

"Fuck you." Aleks teased playfully, kicking me lightly from under the covers. We both shared a simple laugh, his eyes read bliss. Or, was that what I was feeling? I shook my head as I stood up from the bed and placed a kiss on Aleks' brow. He sighed happily as my lips met his forehead, he was finally at peace for once.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours, okay?" I informed him, messing with the same tuft of hair behind his right ear. His hair was smooth and soft, another thing I loved about him.

"Isn't it kind of early?" Aleks asked as he sat up straighter, yawning silently. 

"Not really, it's practically lunch time. I just thought you could use the extra sleep." I told him as he thanked me. "I'll be back soon, I promise."

With one last kiss on his face, I was off.  
* * * * * * * * * * * 

As soon as I stepped in, my eyes locked on the door. His door, the door to the room. What room? The room that was unpurified, the room that was ruined, the room that was the cause for Aleks' nightmares. Frankly, mine, too.

It looked like a normal door, even frame, white paint, brass doorknob. But, just on the inside was a story written in blood. The shadows on the walls and corners don't sleep, all they do is remind. All they do is torment. All they do is watch and wait.

But, that would be where I would go first, get the misery over and done with. Every part of it would be painful, stepping up to the door, turning the ice cold handle, pushing the door open as it gave off an uncomfortable creak, and viewing the mess inside.

The last part would be the hardest.

I slowly took a few more steps up to the door, my eyes scanning it once I stood right in front of it. I think I was more afraid of this room than Aleks. Aleks at least had the courage to go back in and battle what was mocking him. I could barely rest a hand on the knob before trembling.

It's alright, James, I thought to myself, closing my eyes as I breathed deeply. There's nothing to be afraid of. Do it for Aleks, just think of him. I thought of him earlier this morning, warm eyes just above a warmer blush. Now, do it for him.

I twisted the handle and pushed the door open, the room behind it being unveiled. I looked around, my mouth slightly hanging open as I examined everything. This is what Nate had done to him, every broken piece of furniture, every dent in the wall, every scrap of torn cloth.

It resembled how broken Aleks was. The torn cloth was his heart with blood sprayed everywhere. The dent in the wall was this tragic event, how it would never go away. The broken lamp and dresser were his body and mind, scarred, shattered, unfixable.

Yet, that was where the comparison stopped. Aleks may have been shattered and scarred, but he was fixable. I was helping him right now. And even though we both knew what happened here, this place was fixable. I lowered the bedframe back onto the ground, then continued to lift the box spring and mattress back into place. I swept up the shards of glass from the lamp and the fragments of cloth from the bed sheets. I placed the curtains back onto the widow frame, adjusting them so a wide stream of light flooded the room. 

There was nothing I could do to fix the hunk missing from the dresser, or the dent in the wall. I may have dressed the place up, but the hidden secrets still stood out. To me. To Aleks. What happened in here would never go away, no matter what I put back in place, or swept up, or adjusted. That was the downfall of the uplift.

I packed up the remaining items in Aleks' dresser drawers and closet, quickly placing them in a box. Once I had finished, I left the room quickly, the uncomfortableness making my head pound. I shut the bedroom door, exhaling loudly as I did.

Aleks took my breath away. That room made me want to never let it go.

I made it to the kitchen with another box, beginning to pack up Aleks' dishes. It was amazing how a place could transform. This used to be a home, Aleks' home. A place where he could be himself, where he would be protected and safe. This place used to carry such friendliness, but was now replaced with bitter cold.

That bedroom was where he used to wake up each morning and sleep each night. This kitchen was where he'd cook each meal, perhaps even sneak a midnight snack. That bathroom is where he got time to himself, that living room was where he relaxed, this apartment was what he came back to.

Now, he didn't want to come back. This place would never be the same. No more waking up in that bedroom, no more midnight snacks, no more relaxation, no more alone time. It would all be replaced with night time cries, court trials, constant anxiety, lurking and continuous fear. But, he did have a place to come back to. 

My arms.

Whenever I held him, it seemed as if he'd feel some sort of hope. Hope for the future, that this will all get better. The tears would stop along side the whimpers, and he'd just listen to the constant beating of my heart. He'd stay there for hours, but I didn't mind. It was peaceful, those moments of just holding one another in silence. Words couldn't describe the way it felt, the feeling of being needed and cared for. The feeling of being desired. 

It was a great feeling. How I've missed it...

I looked down at one of the plates before placing it into the box, the first thing I saw was the weak reflection of my eyes staring back. My unoriginal, mediocre eyes with no glimmer or shade or balance of pigments. Even in the unclear, ceramic reflection I could still see the blandness. That was what stood out for my eyes, the usualness. Nothing unique, just like me. 

Even though I wanted them to be amazing, my eyes fit me well. My eyes weren't special, neither was I. I was just another person in this cold, cruel world, dealing with struggles and responsibilities. And the memories of Aleks' aching heart. Mine, too...

I shook my head, placing the plate down on top of the others in the box. Aleks was right, today was going to be a good day. It would all be alright, once I finished here, I'd be coming back to him. We'd spend the rest of the day moving his things in, messing around with one another, making each other feel wanted. Needed.

Safe.

I pulled out my phone, realizing that I had been gone for a little over half an hour. "How are you doing, sweetie?" I whispered to myself, laughing at the fact that I referred to Aleks as 'sweeite'. If he were here, he'd probably punch me in the arm while shyly smiling. I loved the way he smiled like that, not too boldly, but enough to show his affection. Then I'd give him a quick kiss on the cheek and tell him how much I love him. How much I miss him. How much I want to know that he's okay.

I dialed his number and held the phone to my ear, I called not only to find out how he was, but I missed his voice. I missed his timid smile, his rosy blush, his miraculous eyes.

I missed him.

"Hello?" I heard his voice answer, I smiled brightly as he picked up.

"Hey, Aleks. I was just checking up on you. How are you feeling?" I asked, searching drawer after drawer for his silverware.

"I'm-I'm doing okay, I just made myself a bowl of cereal and I took a shower." Aleks told me, I could feel him smiling from the other end of the line.

"Oh, that reminds me, I have to do the dishes when I get home." I noted to myself, finding his silverware drawer and starting to place them in the box. "Well, that's good. I'm glad you're doing okay, it's only been almost an hour and I miss you." I heard him chuckle quietly. "I'll probably be done in an hour or so, I'll be coming home sooner than I thought." 

"Okay, good, cause there's this grumbling sound coming from under your bed. I think your beast is hungry." Aleks teased as I laughed, sealing up the box and labeling it 'Kitchen' sloppily with my left hand.

"Alright, I'll be home in a little while." I told him, closing the drawer. "Our home." It felt right to say it.

"Yeah. Our home." Aleks commented.

I loved these moments between the two of us.

"Bye, Aleks." 

"Oh, you're not going to call me 'sweetheart' again?" Aleks teased. "Bye, James."

I placed my phone in my pocket again and lifted the box to the couch, placing it next to the other. It had only been one minute and I already missed Aleks' voice again. The first thing I would do is give that asshole a hug as soon as I got home.

To our home.

I then heard a knock at the door, the usual three. I walked up to the door and opened it slowly, a bit confused by who it could have been. I was met by a man around my height with hair dirty blonde, shaggy, and a mess. He had a five o'clock shadow, tan skin, and the darkest eyes I have ever seen. As much as I didn't want to admit, I knew this person. I've met this person. I hate this person.

Nate.

"Oh, hey, James right?" Nate asked, his voice rough and gravelly. "Hey, I was wondering, is Aleks home?"

"No. He's not." I simply replied, feeling anger start to rise up. This was the man who hurt Aleks. This was the man who abused Aleks. This was the man who raped Aleks. Man? More like monster. Aleks was afraid of him returning, now here he was, wanting to be feared. That's why he came back, to scare Aleks. I wouldn't let that happen.

I had to be the strong one.

"Really? That sucks, I was going to talk to him about the pre-trial coming up." Nate informed, leaning himself against the door frame.

"Yeah. 'Talk', I'm sure." I retorted, sickened by just the sight of him. He didn't want to talk, he wanted to hurt. To agonize. To taunt. To watch the tears and blood of Aleks flow. 

Nate held his hands up in defense. "Woah, what's with the third degree?" Nate questioned, trying to act innocent. I saw right through his charade, right behind those cruel, careless eyes. 

"Don't come here and act as if you're the victim." I said in an irritated tone, I felt my hand form into a fist. "I know what you did to Aleks, you may have everyone else fooled, but I know. I saw what you did, you fucking monster." How's it feel to be called what you are?

"Hey, Aleks started attacking me. I tried to hit him out of self defense, I don't know what you're talking about." He responded in a mocking tone. He was trying to ridicule me. 

My rage grew stronger, my fist shaking.

"Oh, really? You don't remember getting drunk and arguing with Aleks? You don't remember punching him over and over after saying he didn't want to be with you? You don't remember grabbing him by the wrists? Dragging him into the bedroom? Pushing him down?" I repeated each step of the incident, watching Nate's eyes grow darker as he scowled at me. "You don't remember raping him and leaving him to fend for himself?" I whispered, trying hard not to cringe at the image of Aleks beaten, bruised, and bleeding. 

"That didn't happen." Nate sternly replied, standing up straighter. I could see the dishonesty in his eyes, that's what made them turn from dark gray to obsidian.

"Then the bruises aren't there?" I condescendingly asked, feeling a look of pure disgust form on my face. "The mark on his wrist, his cut lip, the scars. None of them are there?" I rhetorically interrogated. At this rate, Aleks didn't have anything to worry about. Nate didn't stand a chance in that court room.

"If you were as smart as you think you are, you should keep your fat mouth shut." Nate threatened, taking a step closer to me. All I could smell on him was beer.

"Oh, what are you going to do?" I inquisitively cornered him. "Set me straight?" I asked, repeating Aleks' words from before. 

Nate chuckled lightly to himself, leaning his face closer to mine, the alcohol scent getting stronger. "The court isn't going to believe your word over mine. I have everything to my advantage, including Aleks." His words were as malevolent as his eyes. "So if you think you can win," he paused as he shook his head, "you are just an idiot who needs to be set straight." 

Though I didn't show it, it felt like I was being pinned against a wall. Nate had a point, that loophole being thrown into play to help him win. I was scared to think that he had a chance, he could win, and he had himself another enemy to hunt. Me. 

I was glad my eyes covered up my true feelings, that was the only thing good about them. "Oh yeah?" I began, reaching my breaking point. "So are you." I sneered, my fist quavering violently as my nails dug into my palm. Think of Aleks...now do it for him...

I lifted my fist up swiftly and punched Nate in the face roughly. He stumbled back while groaning in pain, holding his nose with his hand. He took it away to show a trail of blood leaking from his nose, bruises were to definitely form.

"You're gonna regret that!" Nate shouted, wiping away some blood with the back of his hand. "You're going to regret this, you're not winning." He muttered, stepping away from the door and leaving promptly. I slammed the door shut and looked down at my hand, the hand that hit him. Marks from my nails were carved into my palm, and some blood from Nate's nose covered my knuckles. 

I sighed frustratedly, working my way to the bathroom to rinse off the blood. I walked in and turned on the light, then made my way to the faucet. I took a deep breath, trying to keep my self at ease. Why would he do that? Come back just to cause more suffrage? To try to destroy another's life? To hurt Aleks again? I gripped at my hand harshly as I washed away the blood. 

My anger wouldn't dissipate, my hatred soaring high. Nate thought he had this tied in a nice little bow, denying anything and everything he did to Aleks. Refusing to admit the pain, tears, and agony he started. Not just in Aleks, but in myself. He was playing this like a chess game, using people as pawns to get to what he wanted: Aleks. Mainly to get revenge on Aleks, to make him suffer. I was along with him.

I yelled out in anger, turning off the water and resting my hands against the counter. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in and a long breath out. Calm down, James, that voice spoke to me again. Calm down, Aleks wouldn't want to see you this way. Just breath, I did as instructed, just breath...

I opened my eyes slowly and focused on what was to my right: a bloody cloth with a few droplets of dried blood surrounding it. Had that been there the whole time? I took a step to my right, standing just in front of the cloth and drips. These were Aleks', his cloth with his blood. What was he cleaning up? I gradually lifted my head to look into the mirror and froze at what I saw.

I was in Aleks' position, his shoes, his point of view. I was him. I was him almost two weeks back. There was blood dripping from my lip, that same blood on the counter top and cloth. My face ached, I noticed a line of bruises on the side of my face, all shapes and sizes. I could still feel the heat rise up from my back, the scratches fairly new. I felt weak, my legs would give out any second. I looked down away from my reflection and saw a red mark around my wrist. I wanted to cry, all the pain I was feeling, it was too much. 

"Someone help me..." I muttered to myself, in dire need of someone's reassurance, guidance, and warmness. I just wanted to be held in someone's arms. Aleks' arms. Not the ones of who did this to me...to Aleks...

I lifted my head up rapidly, gasping over and over for fresh air. I opened my eyes again to see I was myself, same black jacket, 'Polaris' t-shirt, denim jeans, short beard, curly hair, tattooed forearm. Same boring eyes.

Just me.

I left the bathroom immediately, refusing to turn back to the mirror. Mirror, mirror on the wall... I bit my lip after exiting the room, briefly rubbing at my eyes at the tears that I didn't know were there. As much as I didn't want to, I had to go back in there to get Aleks' stuff. Whatever you do, don't look into that mirror. 

Just think of Aleks...  
* * * * * * * * * * * *

I walked down the hallway, hearing shouts from farther down become louder and louder as I neared my door. Once in front, I found out where the shouting was coming from: the neighbor's.

"You said you would pitch in for rent this month!" One voice screamed at the other, though muffled, each word was understood. 

"I did! I gave you two hundred!" The other male yelled back.

"Where's the other two?!? If you want to live here, you have to pay the full fucking four hundred!" The one shouted in return. "I can't do everything myself!"

I sighed and shook my head, Peter and his roommate were always arguing. One week it's rent, the next is about one of their girlfriends, then it's rent again. I snickered slightly at their bickering, I was used to it by now. I placed the key in the slot and turned it counterclockwise, Aleks must have locked to door to feel safe. That was understandable, I should've never opened the door for Nate. 

I stepped inside and shut the door behind me, sighing as I knew where I was: home. Not my home, our home. I smiled lightly as I placed my keys on the counter, walking further into the apartment. "Aleks?" I asked, looking down the hallway and meeting nothing, but the slightly ajar doors to various rooms. "Aleks?" I repeated, my eyes scanning the living room.

Doesn't this feel familiar...?

But, I wasn't met with a red capped man telling me terrible news, I found Aleks on my own. In the worst way possible. He was sitting up against the wall, his knees pressed against his chest. His hands were covering his ears to block out the shouts, tears pouring down his face and his eyes close tightly.

I walked up to him and kneeled in front of him, he was unaware of my presence. His crying continued, the yelling must have scared him. It brought back...the memories... I slowly placed my hands on top of his and removed them from his ears. This caught his attention as he jolted his head up, his eyes filled with fright. I looked at him with soft eyes, I hated seeing him like this. Each time I did, another piece of my heart was lost. His eyes were red, his lip quivering as well did the rest of his body. I didn't know what to say, I just opened my arms as Aleks accepted the offer. 

Instead of wrapping his arms around my neck, he pressed his head against my chest, blocking out the sound of the shouts with my heart. His whimpers continued as I held him close, resting my chin against his head. I rubbed his back soothingly as he wept, and whispered into his ear. "Shh, shh, shh, it's okay, Aleks. It's gonna go away, it's gonna go away, it's alright." I muttered, kissing his temple. "I'm here, it's okay, I'm here."

A few minutes passed and the yelling stopped, the voices seeming to disappear altogether. Aleks had ceased his sobs, his arms still around my stomach and head against my chest. I gently kissed the top of his head before lifting my head up to look around the room.

My eyes fixated on a basket of laundry on the couch, my laundry. I didn't put that there, I wasn't on top of cleaning the apartment. In fact, the apartment itself looked clean. I aimed my head back down to Aleks. "What's this?" I asked, gesturing my head over towards the basket of my laundry. Aleks looked up at me for a quick second before dipping his head down. "It's okay, I'm not mad or anything." I told him, cocking my head to meet his eyes.

Aleks lifted his head up slightly before answering. "Y...You were doing all of these nice things for me and...I just wanted to do something for you in return." Aleks explained, his voice fairly quiet. "You kept saying how you needed to clean up, so I-I washed the dishes for you, and...and took out the trash. I organized your recording station, too. I was going to make the bed and fold your laundry, but...," Aleks sighed shakily, "that's when the yelling started."

I took another look around the apartment, smiling at the work Aleks had done for me. "This is so sweet of you, Aleks." I commented, looking back down at him. "It really means a lot to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you." I praised over and over as I kissed Aleks' forehead again and again.

I heard Aleks chuckle as he placed his arms around my neck, giving me the hug I had needed since I stepped foot into his old apartment. It felt nice letting go of the horrors there, placing the 'For Rent' sign on the door made a weight lift off of my shoulders. I kissed Aleks' cheek as I nuzzled my head into the crook of his neck. 

This was home.

"But, you know what you make this place look even better?" I questioned, hearing Aleks mumbled a "Hmm?" as a reply. "If your stuff was in here, too." I pulled away from our embrace, seeing Aleks form a small smile. "You want to help me move your things in?" I asked, cupping the side of his face.

"Sure. It...It sounds like fun." Aleks responded, biting his lower lip. The cut from before was already beginning to fade. Out of sight, out of mind. I kissed his forehead another time before standing myself up, holding Aleks' hand as he did the same.

We spent the rest of the day rearranging the apartment, and I enjoyed every minute of it. It seemed as if there was no drama occurring, no panic, no fear. It was pleasant, living life without a care. No tears, no memories, no nightmares. All pain washed away, everything seemed to be the way it was. 

Aleks was smiling a true, real, meaningful smile. His laughter was unstoppable, his quirkiness returned, so did his harmless teasing. I didn't realize how much I missed it until it came back. It was just like old times, the sense of humbleness flooded the room. Everything seemed so...perfect.

So perfect that I was afraid to blink, worried that it might all just fade away.

"Thanks for letting me use this room for   
recording." Aleks thanked, opening the box I packed with his recording equipment.

"Hey, no problem, this was always just an extra room. Glad it could be put to use." I explained, pulling out one of Aleks' computer monitors and placing it on the table.

"I really wish you didn't knot up the cables." He told me in his usual sarcastic tone. 

"I don't know what the fuck you're taking about. They were like that." I lied, putting the second monitor next to the first.

"Yeah, I don't think I left them like this." Aleks told me, lifting up a ball of twisted wires. I laughed devilishly as Aleks threw the wires back into the box. "You're such a dick." He joked.

"Actually, you'd be surprised at what you left out at that place." I teased, taking out Aleks' speakers. "You left your butt-plug out in the open." 

Aleks shook his head as he laughed, how much I missed the sound of it. "You fucking asshole." He said through his chuckles while flipping me off.

"See? That's where it's supposed to go!" I bantered, throwing the mouse pad at him. "Oh wait, that reminds me, I got you something on the way back." I told him, walking out the door to retrieve another box.

"I swear to god, James, if it's a butt-plug." Aleks threatened, throwing the mouse pad back at me as I entered the room. I kneeled down next to him and opened the box, pulling out a new lamp, the exact same one that was broken.

"Since your other one broke, I thought I would get you a new one." I informed him, pushing the box aside.

"How the hell did a conversation about butt-plugs remind you of this?" Aleks wondered, showing a confused smile. He looked as beautiful as ever.

"Oh, you'd be amazed, Aleksandr. You'd be amazed." I returned, giving him a small kiss on his forehead before standing up, and placing the lamp on the table. "Hey? You want to take care of this later and go organize the bedroom?" I asked, turning around. "You said you were about to make the bed, want to go do that?"

"Okay, we can do that." Aleks agreed, standing himself up. He took a step back and examined the room, smiling to himself. I knew what he was thinking: this was home. I walked nearer to him, wrapping my arms around him as he did the same. No words were spoken, the silence fit the moment well. Throughout the mayhem, silence was a gift. "Thank you." Aleks mumbled, his forehead rubbing against the side of my face.

"For what?" I wondered, all I did was hug him.

"For giving me a home. " Aleks replied as I closed my eyes, a tiny smile presenting itself. "A real home, our home. Thank you." Aleks finished, giving my cheek a kiss.

"Of course. I'd do it all again if I could." I answered, hearing Aleks hum softly. "A home for you and your sex toys, you animal." I teased, pulling away as I laughed and headed out of the room.

"Go fuck yourself!" Aleks jokingly responded, kicking me in the back of my leg softly. 

"Gladly." I answered, Aleks' laughter blending with mine. I walked my way into the bedroom, the light filling the room to show the nicely folded sheets and blankets from Aleks earlier on the corner of the bed. Our bed. I sighed happily, turning my head to Aleks. "Thank you for everything you did today. It really does mean a lot to me." I told him, walking up to the bed and picking up the folded sheets.

"And everything you've done doesn't apply to me?" Aleks questioned, walking to the other side of the bed after ruffling my hair. I laid the sheets over the bed, Aleks helping me with adjusting them and flattening them out. We grabbed for the blanket at the same time, our hands meeting as I timidly looked up. "Asshole." Aleks commented, pulling the blanket onto the bed and evening it out.

Not only was Aleks starting over, I was, too. Beginning again with someone as damaged as me. I wasn't perfect, hell, I was far from it. But, it was alright because he was, too. And what was remaining of him filled what was lost of me. 

 

I picked up my pillow and laid it on my side of the bed, laying it perfectly between the headrest and the blanket. As I looked back over to Aleks, I felt a pillow thrown at me. Aleks snickered slightly as I opened my eyes again and looked at him unpleasingly. "You're a dickhead, you know that?" I inquired before grabbing the pillow and throwing it back at Aleks. He raised the pillow above his head, threatening to throw it again.

"You're gonna regret this." I warned, unknowingly quoting Nate's words. Aleks had no idea, and I wanted to keep it that way. If he knew of Nate's return, he would begin to panic. I hated seeing him that way, so scared and feeble. I didn't want that to happen.

I didn't want to blink.

Disregarding my warning, Aleks tossed the pillow at me anyway. "You're in trouble now!" I teased, climbing onto the bed as Aleks turned around the run. I grabbed him around the waist and pulled him down next to me. I tickled his sides, laughing along with him as he squirmed left and right.

"James! Stop!" Aleks pleaded through his chortles, his smile growing wider. "Knock it off! Asshole! Stop it!" He said over and over, his laughs growing louder. I kissed his cheek as I stopped, falling next to him on the bed. His laughs quieted down, both of us catching our breaths. I looked up at the ceiling, feeling as if I were in heaven. I hadn't felt this good in such a long time, I loved the way Aleks made me feel.

Desired.

I could feel Aleks' eyes looking at me, but I paid no mind to it. I was stuck day dreaming about the bliss I was experiencing. "You know, your eyes are beautiful, too." I heard Aleks say, his words made my heart stop. My eyes were...beautiful...? I turned my head to face him, my expression urging for him to go on. "They are, I don't know if you see it or not, but they really are." His smile grew soft. "In the middle it's like a dark brown, and there's a ring around them, it's brighter than the brown. It looks almost like...," He paused, trying to think.

"Like the sun during a sunrise. It shines in the best of ways, especially when you smile." Aleks went on, his words causing me to tear up. He found my eyes beautiful. I found them boring and he found them...beautiful. 

"When I saw them, they looked so...ordinary." I told him, restraining my tears from falling.

"They're not, they're anything but ordinary. When I look into them, I feel so many things. I feel good, great, amazing, fantastic, terrific, astounding, super, magnificent, marvelous." He paused. "Good!" He repeated, laughing lightly. "They're so beautiful. I could stare into them for the rest of the day." He readjusted his position as he placed down his pillow. "And you know what? I think I will." He smiled, resting head against the pillow.

"You're such a dork." I teased while leaning on my side to face him, still holding back tears.

"Says the hypocrite." He joked, sighing as he gazed into my eyes. I smiled as I looked back into his, feeling my love grow stronger. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved Aleks, that was the truth. The way he made me feel, what he did, what he said, it all went directly to my heart. It held the pieces in place, it mended them, it fixed them.

It covered them in kisses.

God knows how long we spent just staring, the light from the sun dimmed, the yellow transforming into a hazy orange. It made Aleks' eyes glow again, the beauty of them was simply astonishing. Then, Aleks' eye lids began to slowly close, his eyes almost covered. He took a gasp of air in through his nose as he opened his eyes again, fighting the urge to sleep.

"It's okay, Aleks. Just close your eyes." I tiredly told him, smiling as he obeyed. "It's okay, it's okay. Just fall asleep, I'll be here when you wake up. I'll always be right here." I murmured, kissing his forehead. I rested my head against his as I closed my eyes as well, yawning quietly. "I'll always be right here...," My voice trailed off as I fell into the best sleep I ever had. 

With Aleks in my arms, holding me in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading another chapter!!


	7. Chapter 7: It Might Help Me, Too

(Aleks' POV)

I set two plates down at the table, remembering yesterday as I prepared breakfast. I hadn't felt so good in such a long time, I forgot what joy felt like. What happiness felt like. What safety felt like. It made me feel like I could do it, overcome what happened to me. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, shining just as bright as James' eyes. He was my light when he was near, no darkness trapped me in a never ending Hell. 

Yesterday had to have been the best day of my life, it felt like I could breathe again. Just take the simple inhale of oxygen without any fears hiding behind dark corners. The memories left me alone, but that didn't mean they weren't there. I knew they were, creeping in the smolder in the back of my mind. But, as long as I had James, that would be where they remained.

I glanced around the apartment while piling the pancakes I had just made onto a plate. I smiled to myself, this was where I belonged, in a place where I was accepted. To others, this place was just a regular apartment to come back to at the end of the day. To me, it much more than that. This was a place where I felt secure, a place where I could smile again, a place where I wouldn't be afraid to hide anything. I could be who I was: Aleksandr Marchant, young, eccentric, and damaged. 

Damaged, but hopefully able to be mended. By James' soft hands, his gentle kisses, his soothing voice, his loving heart, his assuring smile. And his amazing eyes that carried so much more. I didn't know someone as sweet as him could exist, I didn't know he even had a sweet side. He was always such a jackass, teasing, picking on, and cursing at everything. Who knew someone so obnoxious and immature could turn into someone so considerate and affectionate?

How he could make me smile when I was crying was astounding. The ways he calmed me down were more than I could ask for. When he dried my tears, when he whispered in my ear, when he'd kiss my cheek or forehead, it felt like somebody finally understood. Someone heard me, someone listened, someone cared. I loved the way he would...

...loved? I shook my head slightly as I sighed to calm myself. I wasn't quite there yet.

At least, I don't think...and that's what scared me.

"Don't get worked up over that, Aleks." I told myself, pouring myself a glass of orange juice. "Don't think about that, think about yesterday." I instructed, placing the carton back in the fridge. I felt my smile come back again. 

"Think about yesterday..."

Making that bed yesterday was more meaningful than I thought. This wasn't the bed that I couldn't sleep in anymore. This wasn't James' bed I was temporarily sleeping in to feel comfort. This was our bed, he had the left side, I slept on the right. This was our bed where I would complain about James' snoring, he'd pick fun at my sleep talking, we'd pull the covers back and forth until one of us gave up. This was our bed where the first thing in the morning we'd see were each other's faces and greet one another with a "Good Morning". This was our bed where'd we'd rest our heads one final time with a "Goodnight" that made the nightmares fade.

I lifted my head as I heard the familiar sound of soft footsteps enter the room followed by a quiet yawn. James stood there rubbing at his eye, hair a mess and his t-shirt a size too large. But that didn't matter, he never looked so amazing. He opened his eyes and grinned once he saw me, his crooked smile making a light blush appear on my face.

"Good morning." I said with a smile, placing the frying pan into the sink as I heard him walk around the counter and to me. I turned around to face him as he wrapped his arms around my waist, sighing deeply as he placed his head in the crook of my neck.

"Good morning." He answered as I placed my arms around his neck and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "It's so good to see you." James mumbled, I could feel him smile against my skin. He took a small breath as he aimed his head towards the table. "What's all this?" He asked with a chuckle, pulling away from the hug.

"I, uh, I woke up early, so I thought I'd make breakfast." I told him as he wore a toothy smile. "I also made tea if you want some." I let him know, nodding my head to the counter behind me at the Keurig brewer. 

"This is so nice." James mumbled under his breath, his eyes wandering over to look into mine. "Thank you." He thanked with a feathery kiss on my nose. "Now, go pour me some tea, you asshole." He joked, nudging me slightly as he laughed quietly. 

"Pour your own fucking tea." I returned, placing another plate into the sink. I couldn't help my smile.

I've never had a morning like this, playfully fighting with one another while the tiredness tries to dissipate. There would be no breakfast between Nate and I, we'd always fight and never see each other until the late morning. Which of course one of us had a pounding head ache and breakfast didn't sound like a morning treat. I don't miss those morning, I always hoped that they would get better, but they never did. Missing them is the second to last thing I did. Missing Nate was the last.

These mornings were greater, waking up to the brightness of either the sunrise or James' smiling face. There was such comfortableness filling the room when he entered, not the chilling uncertainty of Nate's presence. Mornings like this were what I yearned for, hugging each other when you first wake up, making breakfast for the other, making the other feel safe, important, and loved. James did that perfectly.

James took a sip of his tea as he sat down at the table, rubbing his eye again. I took the seat across from him, placing down my glass of orange juice. "Well, your hair looks nice." I teased, watching James shake his head.

"Eat a dick." He responded while chuckling. "How'd you sleep?" He asked, cutting into his one of his pancakes.

"Good." I blandly answered, my eyes trailing down to my plate as I knew that wasn't the truth. "Well, okay, I guess. I did have another nightmare which was why I woke up early." I admitted, my fingertip trailing down the condensation on my glass. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" James wondered as I nervously looked back up at him. He didn't look angry, just concerned.

"I just...I feel like shit whenever I wake you up with my dreams, or keep you up with my crying." I told him, dipping my head down. It was the truth, James deserved sleep after everything he's done for me. When I take that away from him, it makes me feel horrible.

"Hey, it's alright, Aleks." James replied, resting his knife down. "I don't mind staying up with you. I would stay up all night with you just to make you feel safe. You can't control your nightmares, or just stop crying, I get that. You need comfort after what you went through, and I'm happy to give it to you." He informed me, I tilted my head back up to see the ring around his eyes return. "You know? I promise to dry each and every one of your tears and hold you after each nightmare. You don't have to feel bad, you asshole. So stop worrying." I let out a light chortle. "I love you."

I smiled timidly at those words, I meant something to someone. I wasn't just a punching bag to be taken advantage of, I mattered in someone's life. Someone took the time to care about me, to put me first, and make sure I was okay. The light in my life kept getting brighter and brighter, now matter how many times it dimmed, it always came back stronger.

I came back stronger.

"God! I'm in heaven!" James shouted as I aimed my eyes up to see him. "These are fucking good. What the fuck did you put in these? Caramel?" He asked, jabbing at his pancakes with his fork. 

"You had a bag of the little cubes of it so I thought, why not use it?" I explained, taking a bite myself. He was right. Heaven.

"Fucking overachiever." He teased, throwing a piece of his bacon at me. His laughter made my morning brighter. And the morning after that, and the morning after that.

"You're such an asshole." I responded, joining in with his chuckles. "How about you? How did you sleep?" I questioned before sipping my orange juice.

He shook his head slightly as he laughed quietly. "The best in...forever." James answered, a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "No nightmares, or waking up without reason. And when I fell asleep, I knew you were there." He whispered the last part, his cheeks burning pink. He was so cute when he blushed. "You were with me and there was no reason to be afraid."

I looked at him, confused. "Afraid? W-What are you talking about? You're afraid of something?" I wondered question after question. James looked up at me with an unreadable expression and blankness in his usually amazing eyes. He seemed to stiffen in his chair as he looked down, presumably embarrassed.

"It-It's nothing." James mumbled, breaking our gaze. "Sorry for bringing it up, it's not important. It's nothing you need to worry about." His words became quieter as he spoke on, how could he say the things he did? He is something to me, he is important, I do worry about him. I care. But, right now didn't seem like the time to pry. This morning was the best morning I had in a while, I didn't want to ruin it.

I felt bad for putting him on the spot, he never did it with me. I shook my head as I forgot about the situation, looking through soft eyes at James who stared down at the floor. He did seem afraid, but now wasn't time to discuss that. I just wanted him to relax. 

"So...about that butt plug yesterday." I changed the subject as James smirked and let out a loud laugh. He looked back up to me, seeming a bit relieved by me changing the subject. The ringlet around his eyes reappeared, it looked so much like a...halo. A halo, that's what it was, he really was an angel. 

The rest of breakfast was spent with random chit-chat, jokes, and uplifting chuckles. And a few more pieces of bacon being thrown. That was the best morning I had ever waken up to, aside the bad dream. But, that didn't matter, breakfast with James made the horror worth it. To escape from the pain just to see his smiling face... I could get used to mornings like this.

I stood up from my chair and carried my plate, James about to do the same before I stopped him. "I got it." I told him in a kind manner, picking up his plate and putting it onto top of mine. His eyes met mine, his filled with thanks. 

"You motherfucker." He mumbled teasingly while resting his chin on his hand. I smiled as I laughed lightly, heading over to the sink and placing the plates inside. "So, what do you want to do today?" I heard him wonder as he stood up from the table. I turned around and walked towards him, cupping the sides of his face with both hands.

"Whatever you want to do." I told him, watching him grin. "I want today to be about you, you've been doing so much for me, I want you to relax." Tears started to form in his eyes. "Whenever you take care of me, I feel...so good. And-and I want you to feel like that, I want you to feel good." I trailed my thumb over his closed eyes, wiping away any tears before they fell. "What do you feel like doing today?"

He opened his eyes slowly, they were somewhat still watery. "Well, I just want to lay around today." He snickered at the idea. "Just sit on the couch, watch tv, and snuggle next to you." He leaned his forehead against mine. "How does that sound?" 

"Terrific." I answered, kissing his blushing cheek. "Absolutely terrific." I added, that was all I wanted to do, too. It didn't matter where we were, or what we watched. Just cuddling up next to James was the best thing in the world.  
* * * * * * * * * * 

"What the fuck is this shit?" James asked while laughing, gesturing to the tv screen. A Mexican game show played on the television as James chortled on, I soon joined in with light snickers. "Now! Let's see how many girls can suck my dick at the same time!" James spoke for the announcer as he began laughing again. The way he laughed and smiled made my fear seem to disappear, his grin and chuckles going hand in hand. Much like we were as we sat on the couch.

I never had anyone hold my hand like this before, so intimately and lovingly. Nate never did, nor made me feel loved in any way. I just wanted to know I was important to someone, cared about in a way that they couldn't help, but show it. Nate didn't show me anything, but the cold shoulder. Rarely any kisses, no hugs, or hand holding. Come to think of it, he avoided those three words altogether. He never said them and I regret that I did. We never once shared a bed.

Well, technically...

James was different though. Not only did he care, but he understood. He saw eye to eye with me, he didn't make me uncomfortable or uneasy. He was thoughtful, I could feel it in the way he held me. In the way he kissed me. In the way he held my hand, our fingers sliding together perfectly. James was all I could ever ask for, and so much more.

James sighed as he ceased his laughter, turning off the tv and tossing the remote. He leaned back against the arm rest, his hand breaking from mine, just a touch out of reach. "Thank you for making today perfect." James thanked me, smiling as I met eyes with him.

There's that halo again.

I smirked shyly as I looked down, timidly darting my eyes away from James'. There was something about him that made me act this way. No matter what it was, I liked it. I liked the way he made me feel. And now I know, I made him feel the same way.

Needed.

"It wouldn't have mattered what we did today. With you, everything would be amazing. Even the simplest of things you can bring some sort of light to." He went on, leaning forward again. "And you bring a lot of light into me. I need you." 

I raised my head, pondering about the many times he had said that and why. Why did he need me? It was clear of why I needed him, he changed my life, he still is changing it. What was I to him? How did I change his life? Did I even? Why does he keep saying that?

"You say that a lot." I pointed out, watching James' expression turn from pleasant to concerned. His brow furrowed innocently and his eyes showed confusion. "N-No! No, no! It's not a bad thing, it's far from a bad thing. I...I l-like it when you say it." I began to stutter, hoping I didn't puncture James' heart. "I just...I just want to know why you say it as much as you do." I rephrased, trying to make myself clear. "W-Why do you need me?" 

James let out a quiet sigh, bowing his head down. His expression changed again to a serious one, his lips pursed and eyes fading with brightness. He swallowed nervously as his bottom lip trembled. "I-I'm sorry." I apologized, seeing how worried I was making him. "I didn't mean to make you nervous, I'm so sorry."

"No, it's...," James interrupted, raising his head back up, "it's alright, Aleks." He looked down at the coffee table. "You deserve to know." He whispered, his words almost inaudible. He let out another sigh, his breath shaking slightly as he sat up straighter. "The reason I need you so much is because I'm afraid to lose you like I lost him."

"Who?" I asked, inching a bit closer to James as he cleared his throat.

"Uh...d-do you remember my ex-boyfriend...Dante?" James questioned, closing his eyes. He was hesitant before speaking his name, just how like I was with Nate. 

"Yeah, I remember him. You two went out for a little over a year. You split back in January." I summarized their relationship, sad that it could be summed up in a few sentences. Nate's and mine was abridged by the scars on my back. 

"I-I never, uh...told you how we broke up." James' words whispers as he hung his head again.

"I thought it was too personal. I didn't want to upset you, so I never asked." I explained. James ran his fingers through his hair before continuing.

"Which I was kind of glad about because...it was too personal. Too upsetting, and I was ashamed of what happened." He let out a long breath, it being choppy and far from steady. 

"What did happen?" I wondered, regretting my question. James was reliving pain, he never made me do that. I felt so horrible, my heart sinking further down.

James bit his lip before going on, trying hard to hold back tears. "Dante and I...we-we hit our year anniversary in November." He spoke lightly, closing his eyes as he reminisced at the memories. "I was so happy to be with him, everything was so great." He smiled slightly, opening his eyes somewhat. "When January rolled around...I thought it was the perfect time to...," He paused, "propose."

"Aw..." I heard myself whisper, in James' life, everything was in place. He was on top of the world and he wanted to share that with Dante. What could've happened?

"He just made me so glad," James spoke on, a vague smile still present,"and I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with him." He laughed lightly as he shook his head, resting it against his palm. "I found the most unique ring, an astounding shade of gold. I waited for him to come home from work, I was so excited." 

He was silent for a moment after that, staring down at the couch cushion beneath him. There was nothing, but the sound of his gentle breaths moving in the air. I didn't want to rush him, he was taking his time with me, I had to learn to do the same.

"I couldn't wipe that dumb smile off of my face when he walked through that door." James muttered, scratching at the back of his neck as he giggled. "I...I got down on one knee, pulled out the ring, and asked if he wanted to marry me..." My heart imploded when the tears in his eyes began to fall.

"What did he say?" I questioned, placing my hand on James' back for sympathy. I aimed my head down lower to meet his, afraid his words might be too quiet.

"He said no." James answered, taking a deep breath as he restrained himself from crying more. "I asked w-what the matter was and-and he said...he didn't want it to-to c-come to this, a-and he didn't love me anymore. S-Sometimes I wonder if he ever did." He sniffled every now and again, trying to keep his sobs inside.

"He...he threw the ring..." His voice quavered as his clenched at his hair, tears after tears trickling down his cheeks. "And he said w-what he rea-really wanted w-wasn't-t me. Then he-he walked out...I-I never heard from him again..." He whimpered, trying to maintain his composure.

"Oh my G..." I couldn't form words, only tears. This was James' fear: loneliness. He was afraid of being alone, he needed somebody to depend on, he couldn't do everything himself. I wonder how it felt, being by himself for so long. All the quiet rooms, the fading memories, the tear stains on the pillows...

"A, uh, a U-Haul came the next day and moved out his stuff." James hiccuped. "And he was just...gone." He wiped at his eyes, trying to free himself from the profusion of tears. "But, the...the part that really gets me is after they moved his shit, a guy came to the door a few hours later. He asked if Dante was home." His words were a bit more clearer to understand. "I-I told him no, this wasn't his apartment anymore, he moved out." He let out a short breath through his nose.

"And the guy says," He stopped before going on, trying to pull himself together, "He says 'He moved away? Why wouldn't he tell me? I've been his boyfriend for two months..." James began to sob harder as I let a few of my own tears escape. "The son of a bitch was cheating on me! That's why he didn't want me..." His breaths were growing shorter and shorter.

I lifted a hand and gently wiped the back of my hand against his cheek. He looked up at me, his eyes looking tired against the darkness from the window. We stared into each other's eyes, both drowning in tears. No matter how many times we blinked, our visions were still blurred. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." James apologized, his eyes swollen as he rubbed them. "The only one I told was Jordan because...at the time he was going through the divorce with Monica. And, I thought what he used to cope, what he did to help," He paused, withdrawing a simple breath, "that it might help me, too."

He leaned back against the backrest of the couch, turning his whole body towards me. "And-And now, I'm with y-you and...you make me so much happier than Dante ever made me. You're so amazing, and beautiful, and daring, and funny, and sensitive, and smart, and...so fucking caring...I could go on and on." He smiled through his weeping, it was like the sun shining through on a rainy day. "And I never want to let that go. I-I don't want to lose you, you're everything to me. You mean everything. I need you so much. So, so much." He stopped himself from speaking more as his cries cut through. He placed his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking as he wept.

"I love you." He whispered. "I love you a-and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose you..." I placed my arms around him, holding him tightly against me. His arms found their way to my stomach, holding close in return. 

"I'm not going anywhere, James." I whispered in his ear. "I won't leave you, you're not going to lose me." I placed a kiss on his cheek as he sniffled over and over. "I need you, too, and you won't lose me because...," I let out a small breath, "b-because I l-l...," I couldn't get the word out, turns out my fear was still here, it was still alive. "I lo-lo-l-l-" I stuttered again and again, afraid to say those words. I could say them to my abuser, but not James? My...hero?

"It's okay, it's okay." James said in a kind tone, pulling away from our embrace to see me fully. "Say it when you know you can say it. I know you do, I can feel it. You do, a lot. I don't want to rush you into anything you're not ready for. You say it when you know." James told me, continuing to wipe away his drops of sadness. 

I placed my hand over top of James', holding his hand like before. "I don't know...why anyone would want to cheat on you. To hurt you." I brushed my fingers through his hair with my other hand, earning a timid smile from him. "You are the sweetest person I know, you don't appear to be, but you are." Looks really can be deceiving... "You've been through pain, too. You may have lost something, maybe hope, courage, fear to show feelings." James looked down, the last one was him. "But, you still have your heart. I'm lucky you do, without you, I don't know where I would be. Yet, that doesn't matter because I'm where I want to be.

"Here. With you." 

He met me with a second hug, placing his head in my shoulder. "If you can make it through pain like that, you can make it through anything." My arms wrapped around his neck. "And if you ever need help, I'll be right here. Because of you." I felt his lips press against the crook of my neck, then pull away.

"And I'll be here for you. Forever and always." His voice was small in my ear. He sniffled a few times before letting out a long breath, it chilled my neck, but his lips warmed it up once again. "You know you're really good at calming people down." There was a chuckle with his words. 

I closed my eyes, feeling a smile engulf my face. "I've learned from the best." I muttered in return, realizing that I have. 

From someone broken like me.


	8. Chapter 8: I Felt So Sick

(James' POV)

"Aleks..." I whispered his name again as he grunted as a reply. "Aleks, come on." He threw the blankets on top of himself, covering his face. "Aleks, get up, it's not a request." I urged, walking over to his side of the bed. "Come on, you said you wanted to go back to the office today. Let's go!" I reminded, nudging him slightly.

"But it's warm under here." Aleks sleepily responded, turning on his other side. Pieces of his hair stook out from under the blanket. At least his personality was returning, the stubbornness was back. As much as I was pleased with his recovery, I wished something else returned, like his concurrence.

"It's fucking July! It's warm everywhere!" I pointed out, prodding at him again. He answered with another annoyed groan, refusing to get up from the bed. "Aleksandr Vitalyevich Marchant the lll, I need you to get up." I ordered, waiting to see his adorable face to be unveiled from the covers. 

I was only replied with a "Fuck you."

"Aleksandr!" I yelled blithely, taking the corner of the blanket in my hand and tugging it off the bed. Aleks lay curled up in a ball, hair an indeed mess, and his eyes closed tightly as he frustratedly sighed. "Get the fuck up, I'm not asking again." I demanded, throwing the blanket in my hand to the side.

"Give me a minute, God!" Aleks complained, not moving from his spot. 

"You said that ten minutes ago, you still haven't gotten up!" I laughed while explaining. Dante and I never had moments like this. Sure, we flirted from time to time, but that was just it. No hidden or deeper meaning behind what connected us, or what we did together. That's what I have with Aleks, something more meaningful behind waking up to a nice breakfast, or trying to get the other up and ready. If I could feel it, I wonder if Aleks could feel it, too.

"Well, you can go...suck a dick for all I care." Aleks mumbled, rubbing his eyes and returning to sleep. 

"Excuse me? Did I hear that right?" I teasingly interrogated, stumbling over the blanket over to Aleks' side again. "Come on, you're going to see everyone again! Dan, Jordan, Kevin, so just get the fuck up!" I pleaded, as much as Aleks was irritating me, I couldn't help, but smile. I could get used to mornings like this. 

"You fucking asshole, wake the hell up." I instructed while slapping Aleks' ass. He jolted up immediately, eyes wide, and breath lost. He mumbled a curse under his breath as he closed his eyes, and tried to calm himself. I then realized why he reacted like that, he wasn't ready for...that. God knows what flashbacks he's remembering...

"I'm sorry, Aleks." I apologized, kneeling on the bed and sitting next to him. "I wasn't thinking...everything was just so perfect. I guess I forgot..." I hung my head as I shook it, my mouth slightly hanging open as I tried to find more words. "I'm sorry..."

"It's alright." Aleks accepted, catching my attention as I lifted my head. "It just shows...where we are, and what I'm not ready for." He paused. "But, if it happened now, there's going to be more of it, you won't be able to help it. You have needs, too." He whispered, a slight presence of fear in his voice. 

What we were talking about was a pretty serious topic, something that may or may not happen in our relationship. It wasn't just about an ass slap, it was about sexual flirting in general and the possible build up to sex. I was wondering when we were going to talk about this, and I'm proud of Aleks for confronting it. 

"Hey, um, listen." I began as I swallowed. "What happened to you was horrible, and I understand that a, uh, position like you were in before would be...scary." I explained, trying hard not to imagine the pain he went through. "But, I promise...if...we have it, to not hurt you or terrify you in any way." I swore, my statement coming from the bottom of my heart.

Aleks looked up at me, those magnificent eyes gazing at mine. "Not 'if'...when. When we have it." Aleks corrected, his words seemingly hesitant. "We will have it." He nodded his head.

"That's a big step in deciding that, are you sure?" I asked, taken aback by Aleks' choice. I needed to make sure that he was definite on this, if this really was the way he wanted to go.

"I'm sure. I'm not the only one in this relationship, you matter, too. When I'm ready," He stopped as he bit his lip, "we'll have it." 

I cradled Aleks in my arms, holding him close as I felt his arms wrap around me. "I'm so proud of you." I mumbled, planting a small kiss on his forehead. "So fucking proud." I added, hearing Aleks chuckle shyly. 

Today was another good morning, Aleks was the one who made them that way. Every morning before these, I woke up alone. No tired "Good mornings", no smiling faces, no one laying on the right side of the bed. How I never wish to go back to that.

"Are you ready for tomorrow? The pre-trial?" I wondered, tangling my fingers in Aleks' hair. I loved the way it felt, sliding through my fingers.

"I think so, I'm still nervous, though." Aleks admitted, I felt him tremble slightly. 

"That's alright, you have every right to be." I told him, resting my head on top of his. "But, everything's going to be okay. I know it's going to be hard, but it'll be okay." I assured, rubbing his back gently. "We'll be okay."

"We will." Aleks commented as I smiled, he was finding the positive in this mess. Make the better out of any situation, keep things from falling apart. Keeping me from falling apart. Aleks was doing that well, I had a reason to wake up each morning, to meet my expectations for every day, to keep on going. 

Aleks was my reason.

"Let's go head out to the office." Aleks told me, pulling away from the hug and standing up from the bed.

"Oh, so now you get up?" I joked, tossing a pillow at him carelessly. "Absolutely ridiculous." I mumbled to myself as I rolled off the bed myself and went to the kitchen to grab a snack.

It was Aleks' idea to head to the office, he wanted to see everyone again. To have fun, to relax, to catch up. Aleks was recuperating from what happened even when he thought he couldn't. He could, he was, he is. 

He is.  
* * * * * * * * 

"Please, James, let me in!" I heard Kevin's voice plead as he stared at me through the window. I laughed hysterically while Kevin begged, his character racing back and forth. "Please, Freddy's out here! Let me the fuck in!" 

"You fucking kill Jordan and Aleks, and now you want me to let you in?" I asked through my laughs, falling back in my chair.

"Uh...uh...yeah!" Kevin agreed, his character returning to the window. The four of us burst into laughter, Aleks' being the loudest. He most definitely missed this, joking and playing around with his friends. In the way he laughed, in the way he acted, in the way he spoke, he was enjoying every minute of being here. I missed this, too. I was glad Aleks suggested we do this. What better way is there to return to work than hours of GMod Murderer?

"You except him to let you in?!?" Jordan questioned, humor in his voice. "You just admitted to murder!"

"Let fucking Freddy get him!" Aleks joined in, I could just see the smile on his face. One too big to hide, causing a blush to form.

"Fuck you guys, I'm leaving." Kevin announced, running his character towards Freddy and killing himself. I adjusted my chair as I laughed, my face turning pink from lack of air. The others joined in, my smile growing wider at the sound of Aleks again.

"He-he just fucking leaves!" I said while ceasing my chuckles. "He fucking kills himself, oh god." I mumbled, shaking my head as we began a new round.

It felt good to be back, in this building, in this office, in this room, in this chair. So much had happened over the past two weeks, so much seriousness that you forget about the relaxing side to life. The joking, the laughing, the messing around. It felt like a whole new experience worth going through, to discover those well hidden feelings again. Each settling me back to the way it was. Or, what I thought was the way it was.

The truth was what it was like before was gone. We can't turn back to that, it was impossible, we could only keep going forward. No matter how many difficulties were faced. But, difficulties remind us that there is no going back, that this is how it is now and there's nothing to do to change it. Just keeping walking down the trail until you meet what you've been searching for, what you've deserved all along, what you've needed. You can look back over your shoulder, but there's no turning around. The past is the past, there's no going back.

I can't change what happened to Aleks, I couldn't prevent it from happening, and I can't take it away. The nightmares, pain, and memories are permanent. They may fade, but they will always be there. It hurts me to know I can't change it, that there is no way to reverse such events to stop it. I just had to keep moving forward, find the end of the trail, remembering everything I wished I could take back. 

And I did find the end of my trail. It was a long and hard journey, so many tears, heartbreaks, and let downs. But, I found what I've needed, my key to happiness. 

Aleks. 

And we'd venture down his trail together.

After a few more rounds, we ended our playing session, a bit reluctant to remove my ear buds. I just wanted to listen to Aleks' voice for just a second longer. I had been hearing it all day, but that second made all the difference. And the one after that, and one after that...

I pulled up 'Grand Theft Auto V' deciding to play another heist with Jordan. It had been quite some time since I had posted, or even recorded for that matter. It felt nice to get back to it, to get back to my life. My life with Aleks.

I heard a light knock at the door as I turned to face it. The door opened slowly, Aleks cautiously stepping in. He smiled shyly as he looked up, but he looked a bit uneasy. "Hey, James?" Aleks asked while shutting the door. "Um...I-I think I'm gonna go home early." He told me, wringing his hands as he took a few more steps closer to my desk.

I stood up from my chair and began to walk over to him. "Is everything okay?" I wondered, concerned about Aleks' state. "Do you feel alright?" I questioned, placing the back of my hand against his forehead.

He chuckled quietly as he shook his head, I took my hand away. "It's just...I'm really nervous about the court meeting tomorrow." He informed me, his eyes had a dash of fear when he mentioned it. "I think I should go home, and try to relax." 

"Okay, I'll get my bag-" I was cut off by a humble voice.

"No, it's-it's okay." Aleks stopped me, holding onto one of my arms. "I want you to stay here, you haven't been here in a while, I want you to have fun." Aleks told me, his lips forming into a confident smile. "Stay here, mess around with everyone, record, break out the 'Liquid Ass'!" He suggested, causing me to chuckle. "I'll be okay."

"O-Okay." I accepted, grateful for Aleks' generosity as I placed a quick kiss on his forehead. "Somebody is probably going to end up dead." I teased. I sighed happily as the laughter died down, another of those feelings between us passing. "Try to get some rest, okay? That's probably what you need most." I informed him, gently running my hand up and down his arm.

"Yeah, I'll-I'll lay down, try to sleep." Aleks agreed, taking in and letting out a steady breath. "Um...d-do you think you could, uh...," Aleks began to ask, but stopped mid statement while closing his eyes.

"Could I what?" I questioned, urging him to go on. 

"Could you...tell J-Jordan about us?" Aleks implored, his eyes opening slowly. "I just...kind of feel bad about everyone else not knowing. If we tell someone, it might as well be someone we trust a lot." Aleks explained, biting at his top lip. "You trust him, he helped you with before. I know we can trust him."

I smiled affectionately. "Yeah, sure. I'll-I'll tell him later today." I accepted as he thanked me. "I'll see you at home?" I asked, gazing into his beautiful eyes. They just stole my heart.

"Yeah, I'll see you then." Aleks departed with a kiss on my cheek and a timid smile as he walked out the door. I looked out the window of my office leading to the hallway, seeing Jordan walk by and talk to Aleks, their conversation inaudible. I couldn't help myself as I smiled when the two hugged, Aleks having to prop himself up on his tip-toes.

I wasn't the only one happy to know Aleks had returned. As soon as he entered the office, he was greeted in multiple different ways. Hugs from Kevin, and Joe. His hair tousled by Dan, and Spencer. A friendly punch in the arm by Seamus. Dex gave him a sarcastic kiss on the cheek, though intended as a joke, it peaked some jealousy in me. 

Jordan gave him a smile and a warm welcome back, but now I was glad to see Jordan's full reaction to Aleks' return. It was a bit more meaningful than the other's greetings. Their hug lasted for a while longer, I was happy to see everything being pieced back together. And placed back into not just my life, but our life. Aleks' and my life, and the others were helping it along.

They shared one last smile before Aleks walked down the hallway to exit the building. Jordan smiled to himself as he turned and caught me in the window. I waved for him to come in, Aleks was right, he deserved to know. Not only was he reliable, in case something happened in our relationship, I had someone to turn to. The same person I turned to last time, a good friend with careful heart.

"Hey, James. What's up?" Jordan wondered,   
closing the door and leaning himself against the wall. "Glad to see Aleks is doing better." He commented, pointing behind him to where Aleks once stood.

"Yeah, so am I." I added, smiling at the thought of how much he's recovered. "I really am proud of him, he's going to be okay." Jordan smiled at that, pleased with how much progress Aleks has made. "But, um, Aleks is what I needed to talk to you about." 

"What about him?" Jordan asked, readjusting his hat.

"Well...it's more about the both of us, actually, uh," I shook my head as I sighed uncomfortably, unsure on how to begin. "Um...since I've been taking care of Aleks, um, t-the two of us have gotten closer, and uh...and now we're seeing each other?" It sounded like a question than a statement, I was nervous about telling someone. Even more nervous to make sense of what I was saying.

"I don't know!" I announced, throwing my arms up. "I don't know how to put it so you'd understand the scene. Aleks isn't being forced into something too quickly, but he's not over his fear. I'm just-" I rambled on and on before Jordan's voice cut me off.

"It's alright, James. It's okay, I get where you're coming from." Jordan told me, taking a step away from the wall. "You're taking care of Aleks in a way no one else can, in a way so...intimate." He made a gesture with his hands as he tried to find the right word. "Which is the type of care Aleks deserves. Since you've been tending to him in that way, it's expected for your bond to get stronger, which means more responsibility comes up, and more promises are made." Jordan paused before going on. 

"Aleks is in a dependent state right now, he's in dire need of someone else's help and care because he can't do it alone. What better way is there to ensure you being there for him than a relationship?" He asked rhetorically, meeting my point. "It lets him know that you'll always be with him, that your friendship is just a bit closer." He summed up, finishing with a smile.

I looked down at the floor as I wore a small smile, laughing quietly to myself. "Damn, you're good." I commented, lifting my head back up to see Jordan smile shyly at my remark. "Aleks just thought that if we were to tell somebody, we could tell you. I mean, you've been there for me before and I thought, if I ever needed your help again, you'll still be there." I explained, remembering Jordan's care from before.

"I'm glad you're thinking that way, if you ever need anything, just let me know." Jordan informed me, a bold smile presenting itself on his face. "I'm really happy you told me, I hope nothing, but the best for you two." He stated as I timidly looked downwards again. We were silent for a moment after that, both not knowing what to say next.

The best. Nothing, but the best. That was exactly what I had, the best. Aleks. Someone who I know loves me, and even though he's afraid, he tries his hardest to make me happy. What he doesn't realize is, I already am happy with him and how he is. I have someone to compare to, to talk with, to care about. To help me as much as I'm helping him which was the most amazing thing in the world. It was the best...nothing, but the best.

"You know, you two really are perfect for each other." Jordan spoke up, his comment making a blush form on my cheeks. God, how embarrassing...

"You think so?" I wondered, trying to hide my blush. I never thought of Aleks and I as 'perfect'. Aleks was still in a recovering state, and I was just far from it. To me, Aleks was perfect, but together we were more?

"Absolutely, I mean you've been great friends for so long. You've helped one another out so many times. I'm glad to know that you can be here for each other now." He explained, not helping my blush whatsoever. "You're helping him, and I think he's helping you. I haven't seen you this happy in months! Whenever you were with him today, you couldn't stop smiling!" 

Aleks made my day with everything he did. Something big, like cooking breakfast, or something small, like flashing me a smile. Everything about him won my heart, from his eyes, to his smile, to his personality. Every part of him, whether physical or a characteristic just made me feel...good...this is how Aleks wanted me to feel...

"See? There's that smile again!" Jordan pointed out causing me to look away to the wall. I rolled my eyes, humiliation taking over.

"You motherfucker, let's just play some GTA." I returned, taking a seat in front of my desk as Jordan walked out, chuckling to himself. I sighed quietly as I rested my back against the seat, trying my best to lessen my flushed cheeks.

Things were going good, everything at the best possible place it could be. Including myself. Jordan was right, I hadn't been this happy in months. Seven months, to be exact. Throughout those seven months, I had never felt so lonely. Getting over Dante was the most difficult thing I had ever went through. Trying to remember that when I wake up, the other side of the bed will be empty. When I cook, there would be no one to share the meal with. When I leave for work, an empty apartment will greet me when I come back. And when I go to sleep at night, there'll be nothing, but the pillows to hold.

For seven months.

I had gotten used to it by then, I had eventually moved on. Finally letting Dante go, free into the world as the scumbag he is. But, that doesn't mean he didn't leave a blemish on my heart. Or, so many tears unshed. Or, the memories to forget. He left all of those things, my own battle scars. My own battle scars that were being healed by the sweetest person in the world. The sweetest person who doesn't deserve what marks were left on him. The sweetest person who made me smile for the first time in a long time.

The sweetest person that I wanted to come home to.  
* * * * * * * * * * * * 

It was seven. Aleks left at five-thirty. I had been away from him for an hour and a half, wondering the entire time how he was. He's probably asleep, I thought to myself as I walked down the hall and met the apartment door, I can just see him now. Peaceful face, vague smile, lightly closed eyes, good dreams. Laying on his side of the bed, waiting for me...

I paused before opening the door, feeling myself enter a state of content. I had never been so excited to go home before. As much as I enjoyed being at the office, it couldn't compare to how I felt when I was at home. In the past, home was just a place where I remembered heart aching memories. A place where love wasn't welcome for me. A place that I would just...go. Now, this is where I always wanted to be. Here with Aleks, in our apartment. 

All I wanted to do was lay with him in our bed.

I opened the apartment door and closed it silently, making sure not to startle Aleks. I placed my bag down on the couch, quietness flooding every room. Usually, the quiet would upset me, it made me reminisce about the words that were once spoken here, the laughs shared, the I love you's mumbled in between kisses. But, the silence fit well because I didn't have to hear him. I knew Aleks was here.

Yet, it wasn't completely silent, there was a quiet sound coming from down the hall. I walked a bit nearer to the area of the source, beginning to recognize such a noise. Was that...gagging?

I entered the hall, noticing the bathroom door wide open as I turned my head and looked in. I didn't find Aleks the way I wanted to, sleeping soundly, warm under the covers with a peaceful face. I found him with tears running down his face, kneeling on the floor, hunched over the toilet bowl as he threw up.

Aleks gagged again as he aimed his head back down to the bowl, vomiting into it. "Aleks..." I whispered with concern overwhelming me. He took a shallow breath as he tilted his head to look at me, he never looked so petrified before. His cheeks puffed out as he turned back to the toilet, coughing and spitting up again.

I pouted my lips as I walked into the bathroom, sitting down on the floor beside Aleks. He hiccupped before retching once more. "Oh, Aleks, it's okay..." I murmured as I placed a hand on his back, patting it lightly. "It's okay, let it out. Let it out. It's alright." I muttered over and over as Aleks remained arched over the toilet bowl.

It took all of my strength to keep from crying, I just hated seeing Aleks this way. He looked so afraid and alone, I should've come here with him when he left work. I should've been here with him, he's still recovering, he still needs my help. I still need to be strong.

Aleks took a deep breath as he tilted his head away from the bowl, laying his head on top of his arms. He closed his eyes as his body shook like a leaf, trembling all over. His eyes were wet with smeared tears and a small trail of spittle and mucus ran down his chin. 

"Aleks, are you okay?" I wondered, removing my hand from his back as he shook his head.

"I'm s-so sc-scared, James." Aleks mumbled, his eyes inching open. "I'm s-so scared o-of tom-tomorrow." He told me, talking about the pre-trial. "I don't k-know what's goi-going to h-happen, th-that's what I-I'm scared of." He let out a few sobs as I leaned against the cabinets under the sink. "T-This basically sh-shows us ho-how the real tr-trial will go. I-I'm afr-afraid it won't g-go good." More tears fell down his cheeks, some wanting to fall down mine as well.

"A-And h-he's going to b-be there, oh God!" Aleks went on, his voice cracking as he cried more, taking short and unsteady breaths. "H-He's gonna be th-there, he's g-gonna be there, James!" His stomach groaned as he cried on, each cry being extremely frantic and panicked.

"Hey, hey. Just take a deep breath, Aleks. It's okay, take a deep breath." I instructed him in a soothing voice as he did as told. He took in a shivery breath and slowly let it out, his body still shaking. "Did you get any sleep?" I asked, feeling nothing, but remorse for Aleks. He shook his head hesitantly, closing his eyes again, presumably feeling bad and not wanting to face me.

"I-I tried to-to sleep, but I c-couldn't." He began, his voice frail. "I w-was laying there fo-for God kn-knows how long, but I-I couldn't re-rest." His stuttering was getting worse. "I couldn't s-stop thinking ab-about tomorrow, a-and I-I was ge-getting really stre-stressed." He swallowed before continuing. "I was j-just so scared, and wor-worried a-and-and it-it all just sta-started to build u-up." His voice quavered throughout his explanation. "And I felt so sick...and I just..." He didn't continue because the end of the story was right here, in the bathroom.

I let out a quiet breath as I sat up onto my knees, Aleks still weak and wavering. Everything was starting to get to Aleks, the fear, stress, and anxiety forming into one constant worry. I didn't want to see it get worse. I didn't want to see him get worse because if he did, I did, too. He doesn't need to be in more pain than he already is.

"Here, let's get you cleaned up." I whispered, ripping off a few pieces of toilet paper from the nearby roll. I placed one of my hands under his head, the other on his arm as I gently helped him sit up. He sniffled as he looked up, his fatigue showing through. I placed the cloth to his chin and wiped away the excess spittle. Once cleaned, I threw the paper into the toilet, closed the lid, and flushed it.

I returned back to Aleks, cupping the side of his face sweetly as he stopped his weeps. His eyes stared back into mine, his looked like they just wanted to close for the night, light bags forming beneath them. "Why don't you try to get that taste out of your mouth?" I suggested, rubbing his cheek with my thumb. "I'll be in the bedroom, and when you're done, I'll lay down with you." 

He was silent a moment, sniffling every now and again. "O...Okay. Okay, okay." He agreed, nodding his head. "Thank you..." He whispered, not taking his eyes off of mine. "Thank you..." He repeated, taking a sudden breath.

I nodded my head as an approval of his comment, gesturing that it was alright. "Let's stand you up, okay?" I told him, taking ahold of his hand and holding onto his waist to support him. He trembled as he stood, holding onto my arm as he did so. He placed his hands against my chest to steady himself, his touch was so gentle. He let go of a choppy breath as he opened his eyes, looking up towards me. He didn't take his hands off of my chest.

"You get rid of the taste, I'll be in the other room. It'll be okay." I kissed his forehead tenderly. After looking into Aleks' eyes one last time, I broke away from our embrace. Aleks' hands slid off of my chest, and balanced himself against the sink. I turned around the walked out of the bathroom, entering the bedroom, and allowing an extended breath escape my lungs.

This was all because of Nate, because he had to cross the boundaries. He had to go out of his way to terrorize Aleks, to make him live a life of absolute fear. To add this extra agony for him to experience. To destroy any ray of light to come his way.

Nate.

Such a horrible four letter word. So cringing just by the sound of it. So dreaded alike the word fear. Fear, another four letters. Same with the words pain, hate, and hell. All having to do with what Aleks was going through, all of which he didn't deserve. What he doesn't deserve. But, what he's dealing with. What I was dealing with, too.

I walked over to the bed, Aleks' pillow was knocked onto the floor, and the blanket tangled. Probably from when he was rushing out...at least it's not as bad as the other bed...his bed... 

I shook my head, getting the image out of my head as I picked up the pillow. I placed it back next to mine, right where it belonged. I unfolded the blanket and evened it out, smoothing out the wrinkles. It didn't feel right making the bed without Aleks. Nothing felt right without him, not even sitting in that office for an extra hour and a half.

I heard footsteps enter the room followed by a weak sniffle. I turned around to see Aleks standing near the doorway, rubbing at his eyes with a small frown on his face. I opened up my arms as I walked closer to him, encasing him in a hug as he sighed uneasily.

"I've never been so scared before, James." His weak voice spoke, the minty scent of mouthwash wafting in the air. "I'm just so scared, I'm so scared of him." His arms around my waist tightened.

"Shh, shh. I know, tomorrow is going to be pretty scary. But, I don't want you to worry." I mumbled in his ear, his weeping muting. "I think you just need to lay down and watch tv, take your mind off things." Entertainment is an escape from reality. "You just need to calm down." I pulled away, giving Aleks the best reassuring grin I could muster before turning around to the bed. I sat down on the edge and lifted myself onto the mattress, motioning for Aleks to come lay down with me.

"Here, come here." I told him as he sat down on the edge. I leaned myself against the headboard as Aleks followed my direction. He sat himself down on the bed, sitting in between my legs, his back resting against my torso. I pulled the blanket on top of the both of us while turning the tv on. An old episode of 'Breaking Bad' played as I comfortably laid back.

I heard Aleks whimper quietly as he held back his tears, I tilted my head to see his face. "Hey, it's alright." I told him, turning the tv volume down as I gave him a kiss on the cheek. His stomach let out another loud groan as Aleks made an uncomfortable sound. "Oh, hey..." I mumbled as I reached around him from under the blanket and found his stomach. 

I lifted his shirt slightly and began rubbing his stomach, hoping the action would somewhat ease the suffering. "I wish I could make the pain go away, Aleks." I murmured over and over. "I wish I could make it all go away..." My hand kept rubbing his belly slowly.

"I-I don't w-want to-to see him. I do-don't want to s-see him, J-James." His voice broke towards the end, his fear getting out of control. "He s-scares me s-so much, I d-don't w-wa-want to see h-him." He rested his head against my chest as he cried on, his eyes closed tightly.

With my other hand, I cupped his chin and aimed his head towards me. "Aleks, listen to me," I started, watching Aleks' watery eyes open, "I'm not going to let him get to you." I notified him, his bottom lip being held down by his teeth. "I'm going be there next to you the whole time. I'll be there with you." I paused, wanting my words to sink in. "I'm not going to let him hurt you, I'll protect you. I promise." I swore, remembering Jordan's words. 

More responsibility comes up, and more promises are made...

"I promise." I reiterated, kissing Aleks' forehead. Aleks let out a soft sigh as he placed his head against my chest again. He sniffled a few more times as I continued to rub his stomach. "Just relax, calm down. I'm here, I'm here." I let him know as I focused on the tv myself.

Nate wouldn't get to Aleks, that I would was sure of. Mostly... Nate had the court under his control, believing his renegade lies. But, not me. I peeked behind the curtain and saw the monster waiting behind it. I saw his destruction, his wrath, his evil doing. I saw what he wanted to be feared, and I must say, it did a bit. But, it didn't get the best of me. No, that was still here, tending to Aleks. I promise to do that until he's better. Until I'm better, too.

I concentrated on the episode until the credits rolled. I turned my head to face Aleks again, him still laying in my arms. "Aleks, are you o-" I was cut off by the answer, yes. Aleks was asleep, his head resting just below my collarbone. He gave off quiet snores as he dreamed about God knows what. Hopefully good things...

I turned off the tv and placed the remote on the side table. I slowly placed my arms under Aleks', ready to lift him off of me and onto his pillow just as he moved. Aleks hummed softly as he rolled onto his side, the top of his hair tickling my chin. He nuzzled his head into my chest, a smile shining through. 

"It's going to be okay." Aleks sleepily muttered, a yawn occurring afterwards. 

I chuckled lightly, seeing my words had gotten through. "Yeah, it-it will be." I agreed, looking down at Aleks again. God, was he adorable.

"You will be, too..." His voice trailed off as his comment caught my attention. "I...I won't leave you like he did." Aleks proclaimed, his voice tired and feeble. "I won't hurt you..."

I felt tears sting my eyes as he spoke. Aleks wouldn't leave me. Aleks wouldn't hurt me. He understood my agony before and he wouldn't make me go through that again. Is this what love feels like?

Aleks opened his eyes slightly as I looked away, drops rolling down my face. "Hey...hey, don't cry, James." Aleks told me, raising his head up and kissing my right eye as I closed it. Then the left. He lowered his head back down, resting against my chest again, closing his eyes. "It's all going to be alright. It will be, just you wait." He giggled with his words.

I leaned my head back and looked up at the ceiling, the air cooling my tears. I smiled to myself, listening well to Aleks' words. "It will be okay. I'm here for you. And you're here for me." I mumbled to myself, closing my eyes as the tears trickled down slowly.

At that moment, the pain, fear, anxiety, and horror seemed to fade away. No wailing, no nightmares, no recollection of hard times. The world seemed to stand still, time becoming an illusion along with everything else.

It was just me and Aleks and the words shared between us. And everything was perfect.


	9. Chapter 9: You Promised You Wouldn't

(Aleks' POV)  
Where is he? I was waiting for him to come, but he didn't show. Where has he gone? He's there, I know he's still there. I know because he's me. I don't know where I am. 

I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, just waiting. Waiting for that scared man to appear again, to make me remember. To make me see. To make me scared. I stood there waiting and waiting. My eyes locked on my reflection's, expecting them to turn bloodshot and watery. Just waiting and waiting.

Where was the bloodied lip? Where were the deep bruises? Where was the mark on my wrist? The pain surging from my bottom? The aching in my back? Where did he go? He couldn't have run far. He's somewhere in my mind, also waiting. Waiting for the perfect time to be shown.

He never answered when I called.

The only thing that looked back was   
someone confused with brown eyes and combed back hair. I took off my suit jacket, nervous for what events were laying ahead. Every part of the day I was scared of, entering that courtroom would be number one on the list. I was terrified to go because of one person. Nate. He would be there, sitting and watching for me to enter. 

He was what was waiting. 

I picked up my tie from the counter, placing the blue cloth around my neck. My hands trembled as I tried to tie it, I didn't want to leave the apartment at all. I just wanted to lay back down under the covers with James, forgetting about my fears. I messed up tying, restarting again.

Everyday loomed closer to this one, each day my anxiety increased just a bit more. Yesterday, it was too much, near the point of exploding. The nausea was hard to ignore, the reality slowly creeping back in.

Wait...the tie goes over, over, around? Or, around, around, over? Have to restart.

I knew sitting in that court room would only make things worse. All the pressure, uncertainty, and distress were bound to make me fall. Fall fast. Fall hard. The wandering eyes of the jury would judge me, possibly think bad things about me, maybe even less of me. Believe in Nate's lies and despise my truth.

When does the loop come in? Let's try this again.

And Nate...Nate probably hates me more. Calling for help was a mistake, with or without it, Nate would be free. Nothing would ever be the same again, the idea of him still out there would haunt me. It does haunt me. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he thinking about me? In the worst of ways? Is he planning on harassing me? Abusing me more? Ruin everything I care about?

...what will he do when he meets James?

My fingers fumbled at the thought of that. What if Nate hurts James to hurt me? James is so innocent, he's done nothing but help me. And I would end up getting him hurt...if I wasn't the reason for what happened to me, I would be the reason for what happened to James. No...not James...

I pulled the tie off from around my neck, exasperatedly sighing with frustration and defeat. My hand shook as I clenched at the tie tighter. I bowed my head down away from the mirror, taking a breath. I wouldn't let Nate get to James, James was protecting me from him. He's here for me...and I'm here for him...

"Hey, you okay?" James asked as he entered the bathroom. I turned my head to see him wearing a black and white suit alike mine with a silk black tie. His beard was trimmed a bit and his hair was slicked back. He looked as handsome as ever.

He stared down at the tie in my hand and smiled to himself. "Having tie trouble?" He wondered with a cheery tone. I let out a sigh as I nodded my head, slightly embarrassed. I was over thinking everything to the point where I couldn't even manage a simple task. He chuckled to himself as he walked into the bathroom and next to me. "Here, let me get it." He told me, removing the tie from my hand.

I turned to face him as he draped the tie around my neck. I focused on his eyes as he folded the tie over, then over again. How could he think his eyes were ordinary? The way they shone, the way they sparkled, the way they made me feel every time I saw them. Even when they were filled with tears, they were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. They glistened like crystals when he smiled even the smallest of smiles...

James pulled the tie up to my neck, not too loose, not too tight. He ran his hand over it, flattening it out. "There we go." He mumbled, smiling once he met my eyes. The way his glimmered... He picked up the suit jacket from the counter as well and handed it to me, his smile never fading. "You nervous?" He questioned, looking down at my hands in front of me.

I looked down myself, noticing that I was rubbing my wrist. The thought of the pre-trial was getting to the best of me. "A little." I answered, stopping the motion with my wrist. "A lot." I truly admitted, looking down at my wrist again. A pink tinge began to form.

James took a small breath as he stepped forward and I found myself in a hug. I placed my arms around his neck, running my hands over the cotton blazer he wore. "Everything's going to be fine." He muttered in a happy manner. He placed a kiss on my cheek as I felt my cheeks grow hot. "By the way, you look adorable in a suit."

He let go as I heard him laugh, shaking his head as he left the bathroom with another kiss on my cheek. I turned back to the mirror, a blush engulfing my face. I pulled on my jacket, feeling my worry flee. Only James could do that, calm me down in an instant. Even by the shiest of touches, he made me feel loved. He made me feel strong.

Most importantly, he made me feel safe.  
* * * * * * * * * *

This was it. This is what today had been leading to, the many hours of anticipation and worry. The continuous minutes, one right after another as I tried hard to keep calm. The seconds piling up alike my fears, each one sending a chill down my spine. This is what it all led up to, and after today, I would have to undergo it again for the real trial.

I didn't want to think about that just yet. 

My eyes began to water as we pulled up outside of the court house, this was the last place I wanted to be. I wanted to be better, I wanted to fight this, but my anxiety was beginning to eat away at me. I wanted to run away, far from the terrors hiding in the corners of my mind. But, I couldn't leave James behind. I had to stay. I had to stay for him.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of the building, it soon becoming blurry due to the tears. My fear was in there, waiting to give me a glare when I walked in, a warning stare. My heart pounded in my chest as I felt it becoming tighter. It was getting hard to breath, air seeming to be scarce. They say the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Who knew fear itself was walking around at an approximate five foot eight?

I felt a thumb press against my cheek and wipe away a tear, turning my head to see James' soft eyes look at me."You're going to be alright, Aleks. You don't have to be scared, I got you. I'm here." He whispered, making me smile with his smile. "You are going to be the bravest person in that courtroom. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to knock you down."

"Cause you'll be there to catch me..." I added, my voice quiet. James giggled as he nodded his head, promising that he would. He leaned forward and placed his lips to my forehead, his kiss making me melt. He pulled back and unbuckled his seatbelt, I followed him.

"You're going to do great in there, you're going to win. I know, it's only the pre-trial, but...you'll show them the real person Nate is." His face turned serious as he spoke, deeper meaning behind his voice. "You're gonna win."

He opened the the car door and stepped out into the bright sun, a light orange fading into the yellow showing that the sun was starting to set. I left the car myself, a cool breeze blowing my way. It was really pretty out, there was at least some upside to right now. Outside was calm, somewhat easing the knots in my stomach. There was only one thing, though, that made me smile just a bit more.

"My suit is fucking itchy as hell!" I heard Dex's voice echo from a few cars down. James and I both laughed, the others had come to support me. Throughout all the solemnity, I was glad to have some humor return.

"Why the fuck didn't you change it?" Kevin's voice asked as a car door slammed shut, there was amusement in his tone.

"Because I was running late! I was going to and Jordan's ass knocked on my door, I was out of time." Their conversation went on as the two of us stepped up onto the side walk towards them. 

"Guys, please, stop bickering." Jordan   
pleaded, I noticed him step out of the car, probably rolling his eyes.

"Glad I was not with these two." Dan commented, adjusting his suit jacket as he closed the door to his own car. I felt some sort of normalcy come back as if nothing happened. There was nothing to be feared, nothing worth running away from. James noticed my smile and nudged my playfully, sharing a bold smile of his own. 

I missed how the old times felt.

"Here are the assholes!" Seamus shouted, gesturing towards the both us as we neared them. 

"Hey, he's the only asshole here." James   
joked while pointing at me. I laughed as I shook my head and looked down. I think James was feeling the regularness restoring within the group, too. Everything felt as if it were falling into place. By the time of the actual trial, things would be so much better.

Add that to my list of hopes and dreams...

"Hey, guys." I greeted them all, my eyes wandering from one to the next. I had never felt so comfortable around the guys before, with them being there, maybe the courtroom wouldn't be so bad.

Can I add another to that list?

"Hey, how are the two of you?" Spencer questioned, adjusting his light blue tie. 

"Actually...better." I professed as Spencer smiled in return. Throughout the terror that remained with me today, recovery wise, better was the truth. I wouldn't be standing here right now if it weren't for James. To be honest, I don't know where'd I'd be. Lost somewhere, alone and frightened. Trying to find an answer, but only digging myself a bigger grave.

"Much better." James added, stepping beside me. His smile seemed to shine like sun. He wasn't just a ray of sunlight, he was the sun. At moments, I felt like the moon, cold and lonely, by myself in the dark sky. All I needed was a few beams of light to help me see. Instead, I got the whole sun, making everything clear. We were the most beautiful eclipse there could ever be.

"You ready for today?" Jordan wondered, his hair was combed to the right, his hat, I could see, sitting on the dashboard of his car. 

I nodded my head before speaking. "I'm going to try to do my best. It's going to be alright." I answered, pushing all of my fear aside. Is this the bravery James knew existed?

"That's good, we'll be there with you, too. It's all going to be okay." Joe returned, his small smile fit well with his words. "Well, we should head inside, it's almost time for the pre-trial to begin." He informed us, taking a step onto the pavement. 

The rest soon followed him, taking one step after another towards the mocking building. I only took my eyes off of it when Kevin ran beside me. "Hey, you ready for this?" He asked, his tie blowing in the breeze. 

I took a deep breath after letting one out that I didn't even know I was holding. "In all honesty, I'm pretty afraid." I confided, turning my head down at the ground beneath me as I walked.

"I understand your fear, what you've gone through is...much more than I could ever handle. It's amazing to see that you can. And, if not, you have James to help." Kevin commented, I smiled at his statements. I felt his eyes studying me for a quick minute before he talked again.

"You know, you two really are a good match for each other." Kevin claimed as I turned my head towards him, giving a nervous chuckle and a confused expression. "Jordan told us." His three words summed up my questions. "I'm happy for you guys, James would never hurt you. He cares about you. A lot. You can see it in the way he looks at you." 

"You can?" I wondered, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"Anyone can. When he looks at you...it's like his eyes light up. That asinine, obnoxious personality goes away for a split second. But, in that split second, everything he feels for you is there. Hidden, maybe, but it's there." Kevin explained, when thinking about it, he was right. The reason his eyes lit up the way they did was because of me. How he saw me, how he heard me, how he loved me. I wondered if I my eyes did the same thing when looking at him.

"And you know what?" Kevin went on. "I bet you when this is all over, he is going to fuck your brains out." He teased, punching my arm slightly as he ran ahead towards Dex and Spencer. 

I shook my head at his joke, knowing that it was only a joke. James and I are taking things slow, he'll wait until I'm ready. It may take a while, but I will be. For him. 

I looked over to my side again, seeing that James had taken the place of Kevin as we started up the building's stairs. He met my gaze and smiled at me, his eyes trailing down to my shoes, then back up. "You really do look cute." He mumbled to me, I tried my hardest not to let my blush show through.

"You fucker." I returned, feeling at ease for the first time in forever. But, that feeling went away as I held open the door and stepped inside the building. The smile was gone. The blush was gone. The relaxation, the normalness, the relief. Gone. My stomach churned, afraid I was going to recreate yesterday. I broke out in a cold sweat and I soon felt dizzy as I hugged myself. I took a deep breath to try and stop from passing out, the mood of the place beginning to overwhelm me.

I felt a light hand cup my shoulder as I turned to face whomever it was. "Hey..." James whispered, his eyes filling with concern. "Are you alright? You look so pale, there's no color in your cheeks." He pointed out, running his hand lightly over one of them.

"I'm so nervous..." I murmured, staring up at the ceiling. I felt James aim my head back down to his with his hand, tucking a piece of my hair back behind my ear.

"You're going to be okay, Aleks." He reassured, nodding his head. "You're strong. You really are, more than I am. You can do this." I felt myself smile vaguely. He leaned a bit closer to me as he whispered. "I'd kiss you on the cheek, but we're in public. In a court house of all places." He joked, making me feel somewhat better.

"Alright, so fifth door on the right..." Jordan mumbled to himself as he looked down the hallway east of us, counting each door.

James turned back to me, his hand placed on my shoulder again. "You ready?" James checked, he seemed a bit worrisome himself. 

I let go a quick breath before nodding my head yes. "I'm-I'm ready." I told him, tugging at the sleeve to my jacket.

"How about when we come back home, we can lay down together?" James suggested, his tender eyes warming me from the bitter horror. "I'll hold you, and we can forget about everything. Just focus on us." He paused. "No court trials, or impacting stress, or fucking jerk-offs that reek of alcohol and shit." A laugh escaped my mouth at his description of Nate. He chuckled himself, his smile still there as he continued. "Let's go. It'll be alright."

I followed behind James as he trailed the others, my heart pounding loud in my chest. With each step, the pounding grew louder. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. How it differed from James' heartbeat entirely. 

First door on the right.

I heard the beating in my ears, it seemed to block out all other sound.

Second door on the right.

I shivered, wishing to get back in bed. Where it was warm. Where it was comfy. Where I could give my nerves a rest.

Third door.

I had never felt so small before. Not only was this building menacing, but the people within it would ultimately make me feel useless. Unwanted. Pathetic...

Fourth door.

Come on, Aleks, be brave, I thought, letting out a shaky breath. My palms started to get sweaty as I bit the inside of my lip. Be brave, be brave, if that's how James sees you, then that's what you are.

Remember, it takes fear to be daring.

Fifth door.

The others stopped in front of the door, all seemingly scared to go in. I took a long breath before hesitantly walking up to it. I placed my hands on the pushable doors, feeling the butterflies in my stomach burn from the acid. Everything hurt, everything worried me, everything made me want to cry it all away. But, I didn't.

The only thing I did was push open those doors.

I stepped inside the courtroom, the air from inside cooling me down. The others walked ahead of me, all wishing me luck and patting my back. They took their seats in the audience, right behind where James and I were meant to be seated. James stood next to me, his eyes wandering around the place. I decided to do the same.

It was a rather large room, nicely spaced out. The judge's podium sat in the top center of the room, a bailiff standing just next to it. The room was filled with light, the sun shining through the many windows. Multiple rows of benches lined the walkway on either side, along with benches on the far right where the jury of twelve sat. It was a pretty divine room, but I noticed something that made the sick feeling come back. 

There was a man sitting at a table on the opposite side of the room. His back was to us as he spoke with another gentleman. I recognized the back of that head anywhere. Nate...

"Aleks! James!" I turned my head towards the voice of Sharon walking towards us, her red hair straightened as she wore a black pantsuit. I had never been so relieved to see those green eyes. 

She smiled as she walked toward the both of us. "Hey! How are you two?" She asked as she fiddled with the folder in her hand.

"Pretty good, I guess." I answered, my response making her smile wider. "Listen, I'm sorry about running out last time. Everything was just getting to me and I-" I didn't know what to say next.

"Oh, it's okay. It's completely understandable." She told me, comprehension in her eyes. "This whole thing is a mess and a half, but I promise you, we will help you out." 

"The both of us." James agreed, a tiny smile pulling at his lips.

"Are you ready?" Sharon questioned, hope in her voice.

"I think I am." I replied, dipping my head down. I could barely stand being in the same room as Nate. I just wanted to turn around and walk out, never having to face him again. Yet, I couldn't. I was here, this was happening, everyone was with me, and there was no going back.

"Don't worry, we won't be here long. It's just a pre-trial, we'll just be introducing the case, discussing some events, settling a date, then we're out of here. It'll all be over in a little while, fifteen minutes tops." She explained, her summary calming me down. Just fifteen minutes...fifteen minutes until I get to get back into that bed and sleep the rest of the day away with James...

...fifteen minutes...

"Why don't you two take your seats? The judge will be here soon." She informed us as we both thanked her and followed suit. I took a seat in one of the leather bound chairs, fidgeting every now and again. I started kneading my wrist, the pink tinge returning. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be far from here. In a place where I felt comfortable, where I could be cared for properly, where I could be in James' arms without any questions needing to be asked.

But, I couldn't. I was here, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

I saw James place his hand over mine to stop me from hurting myself more. I looked up at him, hurt eyes staring into unbroken ones. He didn't have to say anything, just the way he looked at me got his words through.

There's no reason to be afraid. You're going to be okay.

"Aleksandr Marchant." The voice was as cold as dry ice. I looked up at the person who stood in front of me, and I saw the flaw in James' message. This was the reason to be afraid. My eyes flicked up to ones so dark, it looked as if no color was there at all. 

Those were the eyes of Nate.

He looked different since the last time I saw him. Maybe it was the bruising around his nose and just below his eyes. Where did that come from?

I held my gaze, holding back tears from showing. My fear, on the other hand, had a mind of its own. "It's good to see you again." He sarcastically spoke as he adjusted his tie.

Red. How intimidating.

"You look like you've been doing better." He   
noted, brushing his dirty blonde hair to the side.

"Of course you would know." I mumbled back, my eyes glued to his. "The last time you saw me, you left me on a bed in unbearable pain."

"Well, you seem to be more snide since then." He made a fast motion with his hand as if he were to slap me, causing me to flinch backwards. He pulled his hand away, a smug expression on his face. "You're still the same pussy though." 

I didn't have anything to say to that, I was able to face him, but staying strong was the difficult part. I sat up again in my seat, neglecting Nate's unsettling stare. My eyes focused to the table in front of me as I restrained my tears.

"James." Nate greeted him, mockery in his tone.

"Nate." James responded with the same pungent manner.

"Well, good luck to the both of you." He said while departing, his voice was like knife blades scraping together. "You'll need it." His footsteps softened as he walked off, leaving me with dread in my heart and tears in my eyes.

"He's a fucking asshole." Dan commented behind me, his statement making my tears go away.

"He dern sure is." Jordan added, making me snicker. Who knew such simple words could turn everything around?

"And you say you're not brave." James whispered to me as I tilted my head up to him. I smiled at him, finally convinced that I was. He messed with my hair slightly as the bailiff stood before the room.

"All rise." He instructed as Sharon made her way to her seat beside James. "The honorable Judge Sylvia Knight residing." A middle aged African-American women walked into the room, her hair long, dark, and flowing. She took her seat at her podium, towering over everyone.

"Please be seated." She instructed, her voice sounding kind. "We are here on the behalf of an alleged involvement between Nathan L. Dagen and Aleksandr V. Marchant, because if not, then I am in the wrong room." The judge joked, a small wave of laughter filled the room.

"Mr. Dagen, would you like to summarize the story from your point of view on the night of July 7th?" Sylvia questioned, her red lips parting into a small smile. Of course, Nate was first. His lies would trick the jury, my truth would only be rejected.

"Of course." He agreed, his voice sounding oh so formal. "That night, Aleks and I got into another disagreement." He began, my stomach returned into the knots from before.

"Were these disagreements frequent?" Judge Knight inquired, my palms began to get sweaty once more.

"We had about three, maybe four a week during our relationship." Nate answered, so far, the truth.

"And how long did your relationship with Mr. Marchant last?" Another question was asked.

"A little longer than a month." 

"Alright, please continue." She told him as he obeyed.

"We were arguing for a little while before I left the apartment." He went on, making each scene replay in my mind.

"Around what time?" 

"About seven thirty." 

"Where did you leave to?"

"The bar."

"How long were you there?"

"An hour, an hour and a half, I don't know exactly." 

"Please note," His lawyer spoke up, his Australian accent somewhat thick, "that my client was under the influence, so his actions may not have been of his own conscious mind." He pointed out, his tie green and hair black. 

"Thank you, Jared." Sylvia thanked, nodding her head to keep his remark in mind. "Where did you go when you left the bar?" She questioned, her eyes a light caramel brown, but serious.

"I felt bad about the fight, so I went back to Aleks' place to apologize." Nate went on, his statement confusing me. I had no idea of why Nate had returned that night. Either this was the lying coming into play, or the good guy act was still at large. "He opened the door and once he saw it was me, he started flipping out on me again."

Liar.

"What was Mr. Marchant saying exactly?" The judge wondered.

Nate sighed. "Some of it was about the fact that I was drunk, I don't necessarily remember everything." 

Liar.

"What happened next?" She urged him to go   
on.

"After a bit of fighting, out of nowhere...," He paused for effect, "he punched me."

Liar.

"He punched you?" She clarified, a shocked expression on her face. Nate nodded his head, agreeing.

"He did, right in the face." He pointed at his bruises in the center of his face. James shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, probably feeling angered himself. "He kept hitting me over and over, I only tried to punch him out of self defense.

"I found my way to the door and left, saying   
that our relationship was off." He concluded, he was far from bending the truth. He broke it. "And now he's bringing me into court, saying that he's the victim."

Sylvia opened a folder on her desk, and searched through the contents. "But, it states right here that Mr. Marchant claims that you raped him that night." That word caused a ringing in my ears, they way she said it sounded so careless. He was raped, so what?

"I never did such a thing." Nate defended, his voice sounding as if he were as innocent as his lawyer claimed.

"That's not true!" I shouted, standing up from my seat. His dark eyes stared into mine, a scowl on his face. I stared around the courtroom, all eyes on me. "I...I'm sorry..." I apologized, slumping back down in my seat. "I'm sorry..."

"Calm down, Aleks. It's okay, it's okay." James whispered to me as I rubbed my temples. Anger coursed throughout me, I was afraid of this happening. Afraid of his lies, afraid of losing it, afraid of him. 

At times, even afraid of the truth.

"What are you saying isn't the truth, Mr. Marchant?" Sylvia asked. I looked up at her, her eyes reading sympathy. 

"When Nate came home that night, he's the one who started antagonizing." I began, my voice lowered from my previous yell. "I was tired of all the fighting between us, and I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He...snapped and he..." I couldn't continue, I closed my eyes as I shook my head.

"He abused Aleks, first physically, then sexually." James finished for me, his tone direct and serious. He caught me like he promised. 

"And who might you be?" The judge politely asked, her eyes focusing on James.

"I'm Aleks' friend, James Wilson. I've been helping him with the case and his recovery, as well." James explained, earning a nod from Sylvia. 

"So, you're stating that Mr. Dagen did hurt Mr. Marchant in that type of way?" She reprised.

"He did." James told her, his face dignified.

"There's evidence from the bedroom of where it happened if you'd like to see." Sharon stated, standing from her seat and handing the bailiff the tan folder. Several minutes passed by as Sylvia examined each report and every photo.

I dug my nails into my palm, absolutely terrified. I felt myself tremble, the courtroom flooding with a darkening orange. That's how long we had been here, this was much longer than fifteen minutes.

"You doing okay?" James mumbled to me, lightly placing his hand over mine. Our hands were under the table, so no one saw.

"I'm...I'm fine." I replied, my eyes looking into James'. "Thanks." I smiled weakly, he seemed a bit on edge as well. I didn't want to see him like that, it hurt me to see him upset in any way. He flashed me a smile in return just as the judge spoke again.

"It says here in the report that the blood found at the scene was of Mr. Marchant's." She pointed out. "Nothing of Mr. Dagen was found, semen or possible blood, nothing could indicate him being in the bedroom and harming him."

My stomach flipped upside down.

"I told you the truth, he attacked me, I never did anything more than defend myself." Nate stated, pushing back his hair again. "He put these bruises here."

"I object!" James shouted, raising himself from his seat. "Aleks didn't put those bruises on him! So stop saying he did!" He declared, his tone extremely angered when speaking to Nate.

"If you know for a fact that Mr. Marchant didn't bruise Mr. Dagen's face, then who did?" The judge asked, her eyebrows raised.

"I did!" James announced, I felt the air seep out of my lungs.

I stared at him in disbelief, my mind not knowing what to think. "He's trying to use those bruises against Aleks, but he's not even the one who put them there!" James' voice grew louder. "I hit him because when I was at Aleks' apartment, he came to 'talk' with Aleks. What he really wanted to do was hurt him, and I wasn't about to let that happen." 

James put those bruises there? Why didn't he tell me? Why was I finding this out now?!?

"Why were you at Mr. Marchant's apartment?" Sylvia questioned, closing the folder in front of her.

"I was moving out the rest of his belongings, he couldn't bear to live there anymore after what happened there." James told her, I couldn't look at him anymore. James...hid this from me. He lied to me...

...liar...

"He's currently living with me." James finished, taking his seat again.

I turned away from him entirely, feeling deeply hurt. James said I could trust him, that he would never hurt me. He kept something so big from me, something that was not only his concern. He lied to me...James...lied to me...

"Before we move into further detail, I believe this is a good place to end the pre-trial. The actual and final trial will be held one week from today, on July 26th." The judge banged her gavel, closing today's court. 

The others stood from their seats, me doing the same, slowly due to my broken heart. I thought I could trust James, but then he goes behind my back and hides the truth. How could I ever confide in him? How could I ever care about him? How could I ever believe in his lies?

I walked around him, ignoring his many times to get my attention. I walked down the aisle and out the door, past the five doors that were now to my left. My head hurt as well did my heart, rejecting the tears that were threatening to be shown. I opened the door to the building and stepped out, the sky fading to a deep blue. I nearly fell down the steps as I grabbed onto the railing to keep balance.

All this time I was afraid of Nate for what he did, but it was really James who hurt me the most. My heart was pierced, burning each time I inhaled. I held onto the railing tighter, straining to keep steady. I should've listened to myself, there really is no one to trust. Help didn't help me, it only hurt me. Again.

More. 

"Aleks." James called to me, him and the others exiting the court house. He walked in front of me and dipped his head down to meet my eyes. The halo in his eyes was gone, replaced with a dark crimson shade. He turned from a saint to a liar, a hero to a villain, a helper to a hurter.

And he turned me from better to worse. 

"Aleks, I'm so sorry..." He began to apologize, but I shook my head.

"N-No." I mumbled, drifting my eyes away. "No, no, no. Just stop." I closed my eyes to hide the tears. "I just want to go home." I murmured, so quiet that I could barely hear it myself. I took a step onto the next stair, then the next, until I met the sidewalk. "I just want to go home." I repeated, this time a bit louder as I wiped at my eyes.

I was still in a state of shock, the world seemed to spin around me. Everything was fuzzy, my heart was shattered. I was upset, but at the same time angered. I was scared, but refusing to fall back. I found my way to James' car, ignoring the many calls from the others, including James himself. 

I sat down in the passenger's seat and leaned my head back. A few tears escaped, I had nothing to hold them back. My mind wasn't stable enough. My eyes were too tired. My heart wasn't there. This felt like it hurt more than anything, more than Nate's abuse. It hurt more than the nails digging into my flesh, the ear piercing screams. More than the aching bruises, the busted lip, the neglect afterwards. Even more than the blood trickling down my legs...

...James' act only added onto it.

My eyes remained closed at the sound of the other car door opening and James stepping in. I felt his eyes looking at me for a moment, but he said nothing. I didn't know what to think, all I knew is that James had hurt me so much. Recovery seemed pointless now, I was starting from square one.

Alone.

The car ride was silent. Nothing spoken, nothing exchanged, nothing at all. I kept my eyes closed the whole ride, hoping that when I opened them, it'd just be a bad dream. I had had so many, I didn't know what was reality anymore. 

My reality was a bad dream. And when I opened my eyes, nothing would change.

I turned my head towards the window, opening my eyes slightly to see the moon high in the sky. Our eclipse was over, now there I was, alone again. Stars to surround me, but none to help me. They were there to cover me up, to make me appear soundless. Unheard. Unprecedented.

James parked the car in front of the apartment building, I heard him sigh to himself. I felt his eyes on me again, how warm they once were. Now, they were as cold as everything else, so freezing and chilling. Again, he didn't speak and I refused to look at him. I couldn't stare into the eyes of a liar. Not again... I unbuckled my seatbelt and walked out of the car, taking off my suit jacket and draping it over my arm.

James left the car, shutting the car door quietly. I followed him into the complex, neither of us speaking a word. Today had been nothing, but a living hell. From the second I woke up, I knew today would be absolutely awful. 

Now I know, it was worse than I imagined. 

We reached the door, James unlocking it patiently, his hands shaking somewhat. He pushed the door open and walked inside, I hesitantly went after him. I shut the door and threw my jacket onto the kitchen counter, just wanting to lay down for the rest of the day. Never having to get back up for the rest of my life.

And I wasn't laying next to James.

"Aleks, can we please talk about this?" James questioned, his voice still. I turned to face him, meeting his eyes for the first time since we left the court house. 

"I don't want to talk to you." I told him, pulling off my tie he made for me this morning. I didn't care for his affection, mainly because that probably didn't even exist. "You kept something like this from me for how long, and you want to talk to me?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you-" I cut his voice off.

"You didn't mean to, but you did!" I raised   
my voice, feeling the anger being let loose. "You didn't tell me about Nate! You hid this from me, and you did hurt me!" My eyes began to tear up instantly.

"Aleks, listen-"

I couldn't.

"How could you do this to me?!?" My voice reached an even higher tone. "How could you keep that from me?!? Why did I have to find out that way?!? Were you even going to tell me?!?" I kept spewing out question after question, my fists shaking as I spoke. "You said you cared, but clearly not enough to tell me that Nate came back!" I stomped my foot down, frustration controlling me.

"Aleks...I do care..." He whispered, tears forming in his eyes as well. I couldn't give in. He said I was strong, I'll show him strong.

"I don't want to fucking hear it, James!" My booming voice caused him to flinch away. "You hid this from me! You fucking lied to me! You hurt me! You promised you wouldn't, but you did!" My voice cracked, more pain and realization hitting me like a freight train. "And-And now Nate had a pretty good chance of winning! The court won't believe you! He'll use those bruises against me! He is using them against me! Your bruises against me!" 

James opened his mouth, but no words came out. Only stutters and whimpers, and tears beginning to roll down his face. 

"Nate is going to win this because of your lies! I will never be okay again because of your lies!" As much as I hated yelling at James, he had snapped my heart into pieces. He betrayed my trust, blinding me from what I needed to know. It may have scared me, but I deserved to find out. "It will never be okay again because of you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" My breathing started to become haphazard. "Everything you told me is a lie!" I didn't know to believe anymore.

"No, Aleks...it's-it's not." His voice grew softer as he spoke, he looked so worried. I thought devils didn't have feelings.

"Everything's a lie! It's all a lie!" I started to get choked up, I didn't know how this argument would end. Maybe with him leaving to the bar and coming back two hours later... "It's all a lie! That you wouldn't hurt me, that I could trust you, that you love me! You didn't mean any of it!" 

"I did! I-I do!" He took a step closer to me, reaching out towards me. I stepped back, staring at him in disgust and with hatred. "Aleks, I do! I'm sorry for not telling you! I am, I really am. And I love you, I do! I love you!" He rambled on and on. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie.

"Bullshit! It's all fucking bullshit!" I tugged at my hair, stress clouding my mind. "You know, Dante made a good call leaving your ass!" I regretted the words coming out of my mouth, but I was too angered to apologize. James' face turned stern, a hint of desperation in his eyes. 

"Don't...don't you fucking dare." He breathlessly whispered, his eyes brimming with tears.

"Why the fuck would he want to go out with a horrible person like you? A liar like you? You lost Dante because of yourself!" James' eyes turned meaner as his fingers flexed and unflexed in his palm.

"Stop it! That's not true!" He defended, his anger seeming to rise. I was terrified of what he would do, but at the same time, I couldn't stop myself from saying what I was. 

"Like you would know about the truth!" I paused as I looked at him. You can never really tell who's a monster on the inside. When you finally find out, it just might kill you. "You're a terrible person! A terrible person who doesn't deserve any love!" I should've watched my mouth. "All you deserve is the pain in your small heart from the hurt Dante caused you. And I'm glad he did what he did."

I just lit the match. Here comes the flame.

"You son of a bitch!" James shouted as he charged towards me, pushing me against the wall as I hit my spine hard. He held both of my wrists in his hand tightly, keeping them in place with his nails. I cried out in pain as James towered over me, I didn't even recognize his eyes anymore. "You have no right to say that!" He screamed in my face, my legs shaking. "That's not what happened you motherfucker!" He brung me back and slammed me again the wall once more, my head pounding and tears doubled.

"You don't care! You don't care what I went through! What I'm going through!" My breathing became panicked, I was afraid to speak when he did. This felt all too familiar. "You are a fucking, worthless piece of shit! Absolutely worthless!" He shouted louder, making the shaking in my legs to travel through my entire body.

"I'm sorry!" I shouted back, sobbing out of control. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for what I said! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I apologized over and over, my wrists throbbing from the pain. "Please! Please, stop! Please don't do it!" I begged and begged. "Don't do it! I'm sorry, don't do it! Please! Please don't do it!" I could barely breath through my weeps.

I heard a sigh escape James' mouth and his grip loosen not long after. I looked up at him, terrified. He let go of my wrists entirely and backed up from the wall, his eyes darting down as tears formed again. He stumbled backwards and caught himself against the kitchen counter, seemingly out of breath. I grabbed my right wrist, it being the one with nail marks embedded into it. I backed away from him and towards the front door, I didn't feel safe in here anymore. 

I would never feel safe again.

I turned around and opened the door, hearing James' quiet voice. "Oh my God...A-Aleks..." I ignored his call and walked out of the apartment, not looking back. I exited the building, and leaned myself against the structure, the chilled air cooling my tears.

I was alone. I was scared. I couldn't stop crying. My heart ached alike my head, back, and wrists. This was all I destined for: pain. I missed how life was before, before James and I. Before these stress causing court trials. Before I was hurt. Before I was hurt again. Before Nate came into my life.

I shivered, it was surprisingly cold for a July evening. I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't have a place to call home, I felt so abandoned. So isolated. So lonely. "Help me..." I whispered to myself, dipping my head downwards. "Someone...anyone...help me..." I pleaded, feeling as helpless as ever.

I started crying again, my back slid down the side of the building, so I was sitting on the pavement. I had my legs curled up to my chest, my head buried in them. I had no idea how long I sat there just crying. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. I didn't have anywhere to sleep. I just needed some warmth. Some compassion, some help.

Who would want to help me?

I'm unfixable. I'm weak, pathetic, idiotic.

Worthless.

My chest hurt from crying so heavily, but I couldn't stop. My cheeks were so cold, I couldn't feel them anymore. I sighed, feeling no love come my way. Whenever I got like this, I always had James to think of or to help me. But, now he wouldn't. He hated me, just like all the others. I was by myself in this war, fending for only myself and losing miserably. I just needed a light. I just needed a hand. I just needed something...someone...to help. 

"Aleks? Are you okay?" I heard a voice ask. I raised my head up to see a dark silhouette standing in front of me. I didn't need to see who it was, I recognized the voice almost immediately.

"...J-Jordan...?"  
* * * * * * * * * * * *   
Jordan opened the door to his house and slowly helped me inside, I was weak from my crying and could barely muster up enough energy to stay standing. Let alone, stay awake. He shut the door behind us as he led me through his house to his living room.

I still couldn't control my sobs, I wiped at my eyes to try and rid myself of tears. Jordan patted my back sympathetically as he sat me down on his couch, him taking the seat next to me. "It's okay, Aleks. Calm down, calm down." He placed his hand on my back lightly as he removed his hat with the other. "What happened, Aleks? Why are you so upset?" His voice sounded so sweet, though I didn't want to, I let my guard down again to confide in him.

Third time's a charm...

"J-James and I-I got int-to a fight." I stuttered as I tried to stop my crying. "I-I don't want t-to go back th-there, Jordan, I d-don't want to..."

"Oh, hey, shh, shh, shh. It's okay, it's okay, Aleks." His voice was calming. I was glad Jordan had come, he would know what to do. He had only come over to check up on us since the pre-trial, little did he know he would be dealing with this. "Why don't you want to go back there?" 

I took a few deep breaths before answering. "He...h-he tried t-to hurt me..." I closed my eyes as I bowed my head, trying to catch my breath from the crying.

Jordan went still, I looked up at him as he stared down in disbelief. "W...What?" He whispered, looking back to me. His blue eyes looked scared, possibly as scared as myself.

"W-When we got home," I began as I swallowed, "I-I started yel-yelling at James ab-about why-why he didn't t-tell me that N-Nate came back." I wiped away a few tears. "He-He tried to-to say s-some-something, but I wouldn't l-let him..." I took a large breath, Jordan being very patient with my explanation.

"I was just s-so angry and-and scared, and hurt...b-because now Nate is-is g-going to use th-those bruises ag-against me. Y-You heard the judge, t-there wasn't any-any of his bl-blood at the scene, th-they won't bel-believe me." I cringed at the thought that all of the blood was mine...all of it...came from me...

"T-They're going to be-believe Nate's s-story. Nate's using th-those bruises ag-against me...he could w-win because of James! He's going to win, he's going to win..." I buried my head in my hands as I sniffled. "James promised me that I-I could trust him..." My voice was muffled due to my hands. "He l-lied to me...he kept th-this from m-me...how could he?" 

I raised my head as I wiped at eyes and nose, sniffling again and again to try and remain calm. "I...I felt like I couldn't trust him...I couldn't control my words..." I bit my bottom lip, refusing to go on.

"What did you say to him?" Jordan questioned, his voice quieter than before. I took a shaky breath as I tried to respond, but I just ended up shaking my head. Repeating those words would be too hard. "It's okay, it's okay. Take your time." Jordan told me, backing off slightly.

I inhaled sharply, needing to tell Jordan what happened. I needed to tell someone, Jordan would most definitely understand and help. "I said that...he pr-probably lied to me b-before, too...he probably lied about trusting him, that he-he wouldn't hurt me...that he doesn't love me..."

Jordan looked back down, worry spread across his face. He seemed extremely startled, presumably thinking I said the wrong things. Which...I did... "Why did I have to bring up Dante?" I mumbled to myself, I felt so stupid.

Jordan raised his head up swiftly, hearing my last remark. "He told you about Dante?" He sounded interested.

I nodded, scrunching my face to keep the tears from falling before going on. "I wasn't thi-thinking...I...I said that Dante d-did a good thing when he-he left James...because he's...I called him a..." I couldn't say it.

"What did you call him?" Jordan asked, rubbing my back lightly.

"I called him a terrible person who doesn't deserve love." I rushed my words together. "And I said that...the only thing he deserved was the pain Dante caused him..." I grabbed my wrist, kneading it vigorously and harshly, frightened by what happened next.   
"Something in him snapped...I didn't mean to say what I said...but I couldn't take it back... He looked angry..." I lowered my voice. "Hurt..." I paused, trying to pull myself together. "He...he threw me against the wall, he pinned me against it...his hand held my wrists...I couldn't move, I was so scared...oh God, oh God..." I broke down again, endlessly weeping into my hands.

Jordan reached over and placed his arms around me, hugging me ever so closely. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay now." He mumbled as I removed my hands from my face and hugged him in return. "Calm down, Aleks, it's okay." 

I stayed like that for a few minutes, crying into Jordan's shoulder as he held me. He rubbed my back and told me everything was alright, another feeling that was all too familiar. I was glad to be in Jordan's arms, James' arms scared me. 

He scared me.

Jordan let go after little bit, looking into my eyes and wiping away a few of my tears. "Aleks," He started, "I know this going to be hard for you, but I need you to tell me what happened next. I'm going to help you, don't worry. You're not alone."

I let go of a short breath as I sat back, trying my hardest to continue. "He...he said to me 'You have no right to say that. You don't know what I went through, what I'm going through...'" My lip quivered as I tried move on. "And he...he called me a worthless piece of shit...I'm worthless, Jordan, I'm worthless..." My voice trailed off.

"Don't think that, Aleks. You're not, you're   
not." Jordan murmured, reassuring me.

"I couldn't stop crying," I went on, "I was so afraid of him, I was thought he was going to do worse..." My body shook, my fear beating me. "I kept pleading and begging for him not to anything...I was so afraid..." I took a large breath to stable myself. "I...I looked up at him when I felt him begin to let go...he was so...," I shook my head as I thought of the word, "...scared..."

"Scared?" Jordan whispered to himself, possibly pondering on why he was scared.

"He...he let go and fell back...he looked so appalled...but that also could have been how I was feeling..." I noticed Jordan shake his head slightly out of the corner of my eye. "I couldn't be there anymore...I was so hurt...he called name, but I didn't turn back. I couldn't...I just couldn't face him..." My voice descended into a whisper towards the end.

Jordan looked down at the carpet below us as he wore a saddened expression. "I'm so sorry, Aleks...this all too much for you to handle..." I nodded my head at his words, accepting his apology. "Here..." He began, he aimed his body towards my direction. "I know it's not incredibly late, but why don't you go lay down and spend the night here? You look like you could use some rest." Jordan suggested, his words kind.

I thought over his proposal, I had no where else to stay. No place to call home, no place else to feel welcome. "O...Okay, thank you, Jordan." 

He smiled as he stood up from the couch, patting my shoulder. "I'll set you up in the guest bedroom." He told me as he left the living room.

In a short while, I found myself sitting in an unknown bedroom. Pale blue walls, a queen sized bed, off white sheets, a plaid blanket with black, gray and white. Nice carpeted floors, a white closet door with a silver handle, lacey, white curtains covering the window. This wasn't my bedroom I was used to. This wasn't the bedroom I shared with James. As much as I was scared to go back there, I missed that bedroom. 

I missed the hardwood floor, the door in the far corner. I missed the warmness of the room as soon as you'd step in. I missed the tug-a-wars between the blankets, I missed the tossing of the pillows at one another, I missed making that bed each morning with someone on the other side helping. I missed the cuddles at night. I missed the friendly good mornings. I missed the afternoons of just laying around in each other's arms with nothing to do. 

I missed that bedroom.

Jordan walked in as I took my buttoned shirt off, that comforting smile of his being displayed. "You doing okay?" He asked, standing in the threshold and resting himself against the door.

I looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "I'll be okay, I think." I told him, placing my shirt on the nightstand.

"That's good, don't worry, you'll get through this." Jordan assured as he bowed his head. "If you need anything, just ask." He told me as he began to shut the door.

"Thanks, Jordan. It really means a lot." I sat down on the corner of the bed as I thanked him. Though anxiety, fear, and fret were weighing me down, a small sense of hope was found through the damage. I could get through this...

...question is how?

"Goodnight, Jordan." I told him, taking off my shoes.

"Night, Aleks." He whispered as he shut the door quietly, leaving me to my thoughts. 

I laid back onto the bed, turning off the table lamp, and pulling the blanket on top of me. I let out a sigh as I laid down, my head still pounding from earlier. The image of James holding me against that wall played again in my mind, to think I trusted him. I thought he was innocent, but after what he said about me, I was convinced otherwise. 

But, that's where I got stuck. After all of the anger, resentment, and distastefulness, James' reaction afterwards was disturbing. He looked as if he didn't know who he was, realizing that he made a mistake. I wonder how he's feeling now, I though to myself. Maybe the same as me, caught between affection and detestation. Especially about what I said...

What I said wasn't true, I, too, am a liar. James didn't deserve to hear that, he warned me not to go there, but I did. The look in his eyes showed the pain I caused, I saw the innocence return. My eyes began to water, realizing that it was me who made the biggest mistake. Everything was being pieced together into an arrow of blame pointed at me.

James was only trying to help, that's all he's been doing over these two weeks. He just made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes. God knows I do. He was only trying to keep me safe, he really does care. He does love me, and I shredded his heart. He hit Nate for me, he stared at him straight in the eyes and hit him. For me. If he didn't care, he would've let Nate get to me.

My heart imploded.

I was at the best place I could be, and I ruined it. I ruined James by destroying the passion he showed me. Every kiss, every hug, every gentle smile, cute giggle, or any warm words he gave me, I threw back. Hard. It took a piece of me with it, leaving me feel empty. Empty without James, he was the part taken away. He was my heart.

I still care for him.

Tears fell down the sides of my face as I   
now knew that the horrible person was me. James didn't do anything wrong, but I made it seem like he did. He had every right to get angry, he had every right to keep that from me. Sometimes, we need that bit of reality to be hidden in order for us to be okay. 

It wasn't the bedroom I missed. It was James. 

I need him.

I moved over to the right side of the bed, the side I always slept on. The side I was used to sleeping on. My side of the bed. I propped one of the pillows up beside me, pretending that it was James. That nothing had changed, we were home, happy, humble. I laid my head down on the pillow, holding it close, wishing that it would hold me back. That James would hold me back.

But, it didn't. 

And I ended up crying myself to sleep.  
* * * * * * * * * * * *

 

I walked down the stairs, the smell of eggs and bacon gliding in the air. I turned the corner into the kitchen, seeing Jordan preparing a small breakfast and dressed for the day, his red cap where it should be. He looked much better than myself, he wore a green shirt and jeans, whereas I was still in my dress pants and a disheveled white button down shirt.

I barely got any sleep last night, amazed that I got any at all. I spent hours crying into that pillow, wanting it to be James' chest I was laying on. I need to feel his touch, smell his scent, hear his words. But, the only thing I felt was the softness of the pillows, sheets, and blanket. The only thing I smelled was the fading scent of coconut. The only thing I heard were my own silenced cries.

My heart still hurt.

"Morning, Aleks." Jordan greeted me, a tender smile on his face as he placed some scrambled eggs onto a plate. 

"Good morning." I replied, pushing some hair out of my face as I took a seat at the kitchen island. I thanked him when he placed a plate down in front of me, and a glass of orange juice.

"How'd you sleep last night?" He asked, turning off the stove burner and making a plate for himself. He took a sip from his glass of milk in the meantime.

"O-Okay, I guess." I told him, taking a bite of bacon. Okay didn't even begin to describe it. Crying myself to sleep and waking up to a nightmare isn't the exact definition of 'okay'. But, I didn't want Jordan more concerned than he already was.

"I know, who could sleep after yesterday?" Jordan stated with a sigh, hinting that he didn't get much sleep either. I hope my crying didn't keep him up. I hope he didn't hear it at all. "Hey, uh...I'm really sorry for what you had to go through. You didn't deserve that." Jordan told me, picking up some eggs with his fork.

Jordan really was an understanding person, he could help no matter the situation. He was such a knowledgeable person, I'm glad I came to him. Well, technically, he came to me. "It's alright, it's not your fault." He smiled at that.

"So, ...he...told you about Dante?" Jordan questioned, picking up from last night. He didn't even refer to James by his name, probably thinking it might upset me. God, he was so polite.

"Yeah...just a little while ago. He told me because he said I deserved to know." I smiled shyly as I swallowed my food, remembering that day. We also shared a breakfast that morning... "And because he said he didn't want to lose me like be lost him." I felt my smile fade. Is James thinking that already happened?

I heard Jordan sigh sadly, looking away from me. He must have saw my frown and felt bad. I shook my head, deciding to get off the topic of the bad times, start focusing on the good. James would want that just as much as Jordan. And myself. 

"He called my eyes beautiful." I spoke up, Jordan looking back up and smiling. "He said that they were just so amazing...he said he loved them just as much as he loved me..." I smiled, remembering that day. 

"That's sweet..." Jordan commented, enjoying the goodness of our conversation. He couldn't hold back his smile, frankly, neither could I.

"He was really good at calming me down, too." I went on, Jordan's smile growing wider as he heard on. "He'd always know what to say, and he'd hold me close to him, and he told me if I ever felt scared or alone to...to listen to his heartbeat." I can still remember the sound of his, how it differed from everyone else's. I saw Jordan tear up a little as he looked away, smiling like an idiot. I bet I was, too.

"It always worked..." Remembering the many times I had listened to it. The constant beating reminded me that he was here. How much I would give to hear it again... "He took the best care of me. He'd always check up on me to see if I was alright, he'd tell me everything would be okay...he'd always kiss my forehead..." I felt myself blush, reminiscing about how soft his lips felt against my skin. "He even sang me to sleep once..." His voice sounded so perfect, I giggled at the memory.

"I can tell why you love him." Jordan murmured, taking another sip from his glass.

I tensed in my chair at that, looking down at my almost empty plate. I laughed nervously, I could feel Jordan's eyes studying me. "We, uh, weren't quite there yet." I told him, looking back up. "James had said it, but...I wasn't ready to." I paused, remembering our conversation. "He understood that and...he told me to say it when I was ready. He didn't rush me, or-or pressure me...he wanted me to be comfortable saying it." I began to tear up, biting at my lower lip.

"He said he'd help me to be ready and he'd be there when I was ready. Now..." I swallowed, hoping I would be able to get the words out. "And now I'm afraid when I am ready...I-I won't have anyone to say it to." I placed my arm down on the table, allowing it to catch my head as I cried. 

I heard Jordan place down his glass and quickly walk around the counter. The next thing I felt were his arms around me, enclosing me in another hug. I accepted, spinning in my chair, and holding him as I cried. I missed James. A lot. The way he talked, the way he laughed, the way he showed his compassion. I missed it all so much.

"Hey, hey. It's alright, shh, shh. It's okay, Aleks." Jordan mumbled in my ear, my cries almost overlapping him. 

"I still care for him, Jordan." I muttered as I sniffled. "I still care for him."  
He patted my back lightly, his fingertips drumming each time he made contact with my back. "And he still cares about you." He stopped somewhat, his hand freezing. "Which is why I'm worried."

I pulled away, bewildered by what Jordan meant. "W-Worried?" I asked, rubbing my eyes. Jordan sighed as he made his way back around the counter slowly, beginning his spiel. 

"After James and Dante split up, he wasn't in good condition." He started off, resting his elbows against the counter before he continued. "About a week or two after James let us know that he was no longer in a relationship, I got a phone call from him. He sounded so upset when he spoke, I didn't know he was so bad." He shook his head at the memory.

"He said he needed my help, so I rushed over there. I was so concerned, I thought James took some time off from the office to pull himself together." He let out a short breath. "I didn't know it was really because he was falling apart."

Just imaging James like that made me want to cry.

"When he answered the door...," He closed his eyes, "he didn't even look like James. He looked so tired...he had gained some weight." He slowly opened his eyes, swallowing as he paused. "I sat him down, and he told me everything. That he proposed, Dante left, and that he was cheating on him. I had never seen him so upset before, he was panicking out of control."

The idea of James in that type of state made me cringe. 

"He was crying so much, he couldn't think straight." He took in a small breath as he dipped his head. "I was trying to calm him down the best I could, but...he accidentally did it himself. Mainly out of awkwardness which shut him up, actually." Jordan specified, scratching at his forehead. 

"W...What did he do?" I curiously asked, the conversation had peaked my interest.

"During his crying, he looked at me for a brief moment when I told him that everything would be alright." He tapped his index finger against the marble countertop. "It went silent for a minute before he...," He shook his head, fiddling with his hat. "Leaned in quickly and kissed me."

I leaned back in my chair, James never mentioned that to me. "He kissed you?" I clarified, surprised that James would do something like that.

"He didn't tell you that part?" Jordan wondered as I shook my head. "He was probably too embarrassed, I don't blame him. It was...really uncomfortable." We both snickered somewhat. "I knew he didn't mean to do it, he was desperate and had his mind cluttered with so much fear and stress. But, it made him stop crying, so that was good." He chuckled quietly. I shyly smiled along with him.

"Nevertheless, I took care of him, helped him back onto his feet, and with some time, he got over Dante." He grinned subtly, hearing James' story really made me feel like I could beat this. James was really strong, I wanted to be like him, I looked up to him. 

He was my inspiration.

"It was hard, though, seeing like that. All over the place and on the edge of giving up." He glanced up the at the ceiling before returning eyes with me.

I soon realized why Jordan had said he was worried. I felt his fear, his concern, his disturbance. "Oh God...Jordan, is that why you're worried?!? Because he might be like that now?!?" I frantically asked, standing up from my chair. If last time was bad...what's he like this time?

"Unfortunately, yes." Jordan agreed, biting at his bottom lip.

"Oh god, I'm sorry! Is, is he okay?!? Is he going to be alright?!?" I questioned, worry leading me down a scary path. My heart pace quickened, my hands shaking intensely.

Jordan made his way back to me, speaking as he made his way over. "Calm down, Aleks, it's alright." He placed both hands on my shoulders to keep me from trembling. "We're going to go see him now, okay? You two need to make amends." He told me, I nodded my head as tears came back into view. 

"He'll be okay. Let's go, Aleks."


	10. Chapter 10: Don't Say That

(James' POV)  
I know what Aleks meant, there's a certain point where you can't hold back all of your stress. You can't control it, nor make it go away. It's there and it hurts. It builds up, mine built up quickly. It got to the best of me, there was nothing of me left. It was all too much, there was only one way to let it out.

After Aleks left, I found my head in the toilet bowl, throwing up my guilt.

I gagged as I spit up once more, my entire body shaking as I took a deep breath. I lifted my head up, my vision blurry as I felt sweat form on my forehead. I let out a light breath, realizing what just happened moments before, the reason behind my sudden sickening feeling.

I hurt Aleks. 

I yelled at him. I held him against that wall. I made a new mark on his wrist. I made him cry. I made him leave. I couldn't believe what I did, or who I had become. My mind was unfocused, so many feelings were flooding it, making it pound. And it all went away as soon as Aleks' first tear fell...

I leaned myself back, falling against the bathtub. My stomach churned, causing great pain. It hurt, but not as much as my heart. Whatever was left of my heart. If I even had a heart. It felt like shards of glass were piercing it, slowly slicing their way in. Now that Aleks and I were no longer together, those shards grew larger, to the point where they didn't fit in my heart anymore. In one way, out the other, blood staining everything. Blood being my tears, I was losing so many.

I promised to catch Aleks when he fell. What would happen if I fell, too?

I couldn't stop thinking about how scared Aleks was, his begs and pleads echoing in my mind. I was the reason for his entreats, he thought I was going to hurt him. Frankly, I thought the same. Imagine if I did worse...

I began sobbing again, remembering Aleks when this whole thing began. I remembered the bruises. The scab of dried blood on his lip. The worry in his eyes. The mark on his wrist. To think I almost recreated that... He was crying so much, so many whines, whimpers, and wails. I was the reason for them...I was the reason for it all.

I regretted punching Nate, I wouldn't have if I knew it would lead to this. I looked down at my hands through my teary vision, how much pain two simple things caused. All of what I did affecting Aleks, possibly more than myself. Aleks didn't deserve to feel the pain by me, and as much as I didn't want to admit, Nate didn't either. The only one who deserved to feel the pain was me.

"All you deserve is the pain in your small heart from the hurt Dante caused you. And I'm glad he did what he did." Aleks' words repeated in my mind, making more tears fall.

"You're right..." I whispered, struggling to keep a steady pace at breathing. "All I deserve is pain...not you...me..." I closed my eyes as I shook my head, letting out a few quick breaths. "I ruined everything...I'm so sorry, Aleks...I hope your safe..." A hiccup erupted from my throat. "That's all I want...you to be safe...

"...I love you..."

I sat there for an hour or so, crying to myself as I apologized to Aleks. Though, I knew he wouldn't want to hear them. He'd say I didn't mean them, and I didn't blame him. I did lie to him. I told him he could trust me, but I hid him from the truth. I told him I'd never hurt him, but I made him cry. I told him I'd be there for him, but right now I didn't know where he was. He was out there, somewhere. I hoped he wasn't hurt.

Please...be safe...

I pushed myself up from the bathroom floor, my knees feeling as if they were about to give out. I gave myself a moment to steady myself out, before I slowly opened my eyes. What I saw made me realize that our relationship was...over.

A flashback played from this morning, me putting Aleks' tie on for him. He looked so handsome in that suit... "You look adorable..." I heard myself say to him before giving him a peck on the cheek. 

I looked down, away from the memory. More tears fell, I'm not sure how many I had in me. A lot, seemed to the answer. Too many, if you wanted extra credit. Looking away only made matters worse, another flashback played from yesterday. Aleks and I were sitting in front of the toilet and sink, I was holding his face with one hand as I whispered to him, "I'll be in the bedroom, and when you're done, I'll lay down with you." 

I quickly turned off the lights, the memory fading along with the light. It left me in darkness, but I should try to get used to it. Again. I slowly stepped out of the bathroom, away from the thoughts and voices from the past, only to be met by more. Only to remember that no more memories would be made between us.

My eyes met the two of us sitting at the kitchen table, sharing the breakfast Aleks made. I missed the taste of his cooking, he was good at throwing in his own little surprises. I reminisced about the deference of our acts, me throwing bits of bacon at him as he flipped me off, threatening to pour my tea on me. I would give anything to return to that...even my life...

My eyes darted to the front door, recollecting when Aleks first came here. "Don't worry, Aleks, you'll be safe here..." I told him as he stared around the room, eyes filling with hope. How much I missed those eyes staring back into mine...

I heard myself whimper, as I turned away, just wanting to get to the bedroom and lay down in peace. But, peace seemed like a fairy tale. "Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are beautiful...?" I heard another flashback ask, I turned my head to see the day we began our relationship. Aleks was cradled in my arms, faultless eyes staring up at me. "Well, they are...I love them...just as much as I love you..."

My heart was attacked again, it splintering in all directions.

Another retention took the place of the last, Aleks was now holding me as I cried. That was the day I told him about Dante, I told him because he deserved to know...I shouldn't have. Jordan helped me through that, but here I was again, crying over love. Crying over Aleks this time. It seemed like this time was worse than the last...

I turned away from the living room entirely, walking up to my bedroom door and pushing it open. A memory of Aleks stood there, his shirtless back to me. The first thing I saw were the scars splayed across his back, the deep red they were. I went up to place my hand on his back, but by then he was gone. In the blink of an eye, he disappeared. 

I wished I didn't blink...

I walked over to my side of the bed, sitting on the edge before swinging up my legs and laying down slowly. I looked to my side, seeing a memory of Aleks there. He smiled once he saw me, lifting a hand from under the blanket and gently gliding it across my face. How I missed his touch... "Goodnight..." I heard him whisper, his voice is what I wanted to hear most of all. I closed my eyes as I began to cry again, rolling onto my side facing where Aleks usually slept.

I inched open my eyes, the bed was now empty. Only me, I had never felt so lonely before. The tears kept flowing as I placed my hand on Aleks' pillow, wishing for him to be there. The tears multiplied as they got louder, followed by yells and screams of defeat and culpability.

I lifted my head for a minute, thinking I heard the sound of the front door opening. I waited for Aleks to walk in, but he never did.

The door never opened to begin with.

I needed Aleks so much, now more than ever. I loved him, no matter what happened between us. I wonder if he still loves me...if he ever loved me...that's probably what he's thinking about right now...questioning it...

My stomach groaned, but I was too upset to make the pain go away. I couldn't stop crying, the countless hours I spent just staring at his spot. It didn't feel right laying in that bed without him, it made me feel horrible, knowing he wasn't there. That's he wouldn't be there again. That he wasn't coming back.

I was just waiting for that U-Haul to come...  
* * * * * * * * * * * * 

The tears had finally stopped, them drying on my eyes. I was so exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. I needed something to hold me, something other than the blankets. Other than the sheets. Other than me. I couldn't keep my eyes off of his spot, it being left untouched other than my hand on his pillow. My eyes drifted upwards slightly towards the window, seeing the sun rising in the sky.

I had stayed up all night. I would have rather preferred crying myself to sleep, but I couldn't even do that. I didn't deserve sleep. Only the crying. Only this gaping whole in my life, threatening to suck me in. I was actually considering it...it would be better than this...

I refused to look at his spot any longer, I kept telling myself that he wasn't coming back. I rolled onto my other side, groaning since I had been laying on my one side for too long. My eyes were worn out, I needed sleep, but I couldn't close my eyes for more than a minute without thinking I heard the front door opening.

That went on all night, hearing the slightest creak and lifting my head up immediately. But, no one ever came into the room. No five foot seven Russian with a tattooed arm, brown hair, and the cutest smile. 

No one at all.

The apartment was dead silent, no noise filled it at all anymore. The memories had gone away for now, that was a good thing. I didn't think I had enough energy to cry again. That's all I was good at. Not keeping promises, or staying strong. I wasn't even good at love...which meant I probably didn't deserve it...

I heard the sound of the front door again, not bothering to look up. I knew no one was there. 

I looked up at the nightstand, my eyes dawdling up to see a lamp on top of it. That was the lamp I bought him, to replace the other. Aleks thought it looked better in here, I had to agree, he was right. It was a pretty lamp, Aleks had good taste. It's base was ceramic and round, the color being a mixture of teal, blue, and green. The shade was black, it complemented the color scheme nicely. It reminded me of Aleks so much...

There goes the creaking of the door.

That lamp fit him well, it was like it described him perfectly. On the outside he just seemed ordinary, a regular Joe with a normal life. But, then you see a light in him, something you want to follow, and learn more about. It catches your eyes and doesn't let go, it only burns brighter. Then, you get to see his true colors, the real feelings, desires, needs. It brings a tear to your eyes, it did mine. You find out that this person is so amazing, so inspiring, so breathtaking. You never want them to be hurt.

But, Aleks was.

And the lamp was broken, shattered into numerous pieces on his old bedroom floor. The light is gone, the colors are gone, the regularness is gone. Only to be swept up and thrown away, to be taken advantage of until he means nothing. But, he still means something to me. 

He means everything.

I heard the sound of the door opening once again.

Only this time, the door did open, the sound followed by it closing, some shuffling around, and my name being called. "James?" Jordan's familiar tone echoed throughout the apartment. Echoed...that's how empty is was... "James? " He called again, but I didn't reply. I only stared straight ahead, tired eyes battling weak tears.

I heard his footsteps enter the room, him sighing once he saw me. "There you are." He mumbled to himself, walking to my side of the bed. "James..." He whispered, stopping in his tracks, taking off his cap politely. He sat down on the edge of the bed, I felt his eyes looking at me.

They felt sad.

"Hey, Jordan..." I sleepily mumbled, my eyes glancing at him for a brief minute. "What are you doing here?" I asked, my eyes looking at the lamp again. It really was lovely...

Jordan let out a steady breath before answering. "I think we both know why I'm here." He told me, placing his hat down on the other side of the bed. Aleks' side...I would've yelled at him if I weren't so depressed...fatigued... "Aleks told me what happened." Jordan informed me, the mention of Aleks' name catching my attention.

"Aleks..." I mumbled to myself, sitting myself up on my elbows. "Is...is he alright?" I asked, worry in my tone. I just wanted him safe...

Jordan nodded his head as he spoke. "He's holding up okay." He told me, I sighed in relief. He was okay...that was all I needed...

"At least he's alright..." I murmured, placing my head back down on the pillow. Aleks was safe, he was in a good place. He wasn't hurt...well...he was, actually...

"But, are you?" Jordan questioned, placing a hand on my back.

"I'm fine, Jordan." I assured him, sighing heavily as I closed my eyes. "You...you didn't have to come here." I shook my head, trying not to alarm his concern.

"Yes, I did." He sternly told me, almost putting me in my place. "Last time when something happened, you weren't in the best condition." I remembered that, I barely slept, I couldn't stop crying, I wasn't watching my weight. I kissed one of my best friends, I was so out of control. Yet, another thing I haven't told Aleks. Here we go again... "I'm comparing that to now, and frankly...you look worse." 

I sarcastically chuckled at his words. "Thank you, I really appreciate it." I condescendingly told him, hearing him sigh in frustration.

"But, why? Why are you worse now?" He wondered, moving his hand onto another part of my back.

I let out a shaky breath before stating the truth. "It's because when I found out Dante was cheating on me, he lost my heart." I sniffled. "Aleks still has mine..." I closed my eyes tighter, hoping the tears would just go away.

Jordan was quiet for a moment, possibly thinking of what to say. I didn't know what to say either, I just concentrated on keeping my tears from becoming shown. "James...I need you to tell what me happened." Jordan instructed, his voice soft.

"I thought you said Aleks already told you." I reminded him, getting a bit choked up just by saying his name. 

"He did," Jordan agreed, "but I need to hear it from you, too. Your point of view, your side." Jordan explained, pushing a few of my curls out of my face. I wished it was Aleks doing that...

I was quiet for a moment, debating on whether or not to tell Jordan. He did help me before...could he help me again? There was only one way to find out. "I was at Aleks' old apartment," I started, my voice fairly quiet, "I was moving out the rest of his stuff. He was...moving in with me...God, I was so happy..." I felt myself smile, remembering how that day felt. 

"Then...there was a knock at the door..." I paused, remembering who was on the other side. "It was Nate...he said he wanted to 'talk' to Aleks about the pre-trial, I knew that wasn't what he wanted to do..." I bit my lip, feeling such anger toward Nate return. "This was the man who hurt Aleks...so badly. He scared him so much and he was denying it all." My voice grew faint.

"Aleks didn't deserve what happened to him, not one god damned thing, and the person who abused him had the chance to be set free." Tears stung my eyes, pricking at them like thorns on a rose. "I just felt so...angry. All of this frustration and hatred started building up, I couldn't control it, I couldn't do anything." I stopped myself as I took breath, Jordan patting my back with sympathy.

"I...," I bit my tongue as I tried to explain further. "I punched him in the face...hard..." I opened my eyes as I remembered what I had done. "His nose was bleeding and I left some bruises...I only did it to defend Aleks..." I looked back at his side of the bed quickly before turning away again, tensing my shoulders.

Jordan bowed his head down slightly to see me face to face. "Why didn't you tell him?" He asked me, his blue eyes staring deeply into mine. He was probably trying to get past all of my tears.

I opened my mouth, forming the words, but nothing coming out. "I didn't want Aleks to get scared..." I confessed, fighting my frown. "It kills me to see him that way...crying uncontrollably...shaking all over...feeling so alone..." I studied the closet door to keep the tears away. "I didn't want to see him like that, it hurts me so much to see him like that..." My voice broke, staying stable was harder than I thought. "It hurts..." I whispered, more or less talking about my heart.

Jordan removed his hand from my back and placed it on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly. "I know, James...I'm so sorry..." He sounded sincere. He was quiet again before he asked another question. "What happened when you got home yesterday?"

I lifted my hand and wiped at my eyes, my fingertips getting wet. "A-Aleks started shouting at me...he was upset with me for keeping that from him." The scene from last night played out in my head. "He was so mad...but I understood that. I promised to n-never hurt him or...or lie to him, and I did. I did..." I paused. "I-I did a-and I feel s-so horrible..." Before I knew it, I began to sob again, words coming out trembled and stuttered.

"He-He kept saying th-that everything I-I told h-him was a lie...that he couldn't-couldn't trust me..." I aimed my head into my pillow, trying to stop my crying before it got worse. "He said I really didn't care for-for him, that I w-wouldn't be-be there...that I don't love him..." My lip quivered as I spoke, my eyes, presumably, puffy and red. "I do! I do, Jordan! I do love him! So much...so much..." My breathing was taking an unsteady turn. 

"James, James, calm down." Jordan's tender voice told me while he rubbed gentle circles into my back. "It's alright, it's alright." I wished I could stop crying, I had no control over it. My weakness was a part of me I resented the most.

"Then..t-then he brought up Dante...I-I told him ab-about Dante in confidence...then he used him against me..." I withdrew a few unstable breaths. "He s-said th-that Dante m-made a good c-call when he-he left me...he said tha-that all I deserved was the-the pain he caused me...and he was glad I-I had to deal with it..." My weeping became stronger, my lungs singed.

"And...and I felt th-that anger build u-up again...it was str-stronger...it was imp-impossible to-to contain and I...I...I didn't w-want to hurt A-Aleks anymore th-than I already did, but..." The air escaped my lungs. "I did.

"I couldn't stop myself a-and I hurt him..." I shook my head, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I-I pinned him against the-the wall...my h-hand gri-gripped his wrists together...I-I didn't even realize wh-what I was doing..." The truth sounded so horrible. "I-I told him that he-he h-had no right to say wh-what he said and I...I..." I couldn't say it.

"You what?" Jordan asked, his voice quieter than mine.

"I...called him worthless, Jordan..." I didn't know I could even cry as much as I was. "He's not worthless, he's not! He's everything to me...he means everything!" I was at war with myself, love really was a battlefield. I was in the middle, bleeding out. "I hurt him, I scared him...I didn't mean to...he's not worthless, that is the last thing he is..." I sniffled again and again, searching for the strength to continue.

"I...realized what I was doing when Aleks started crying...I made him cry..." My stomach started acting up again. "He kept saying 'No, please! Please, don't do it! Don't! Please!'. He thought I was going to hurt him...he was so scared..." I saw Jordan look down, rubbing at his eyes for a quick second. "I let go and fell back, horrified with what I did...I didn't know who I turned into..." Just another nightmare.

"Aleks left crying, I tried calling out to him, but...he didn't turn around and he just walked out that door...as much as it kills me to say this..." I sighed. "I respect that. I hurt him, he couldn't be in that apartment anymore...this apartment, our apartment-" I couldn't go on, I chased him away from our apartment. Our...home...

"I love him so much...so, so much. But, he's not coming back." Reality hit me hard, as hard as I hit Nate. Maybe even harder. "He won't...and I am so sorry..." Realization started coming into view. "I'm never going to see him again...I'm going to miss his laugh...his smile...his voice...his cooking..." I stopped, not even hitting what I would miss most of all.

"I'm never going to see those eyes again!" My sobbing started back up as I pressed my face into my pillow, trying hard to mute it. Those eyes were the light of my life, I had a motive to keep on going. Now, my inspiration was gone, my motive vanished, my hope...nonexistent. Hope didn't even feel real anymore...

"James...it's okay, it's okay." Jordan tried to soothe me. "Here, come here." He told me as I lifted my head to see his arms open for a hug. I immediately accepted, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer to me, weeping into his shoulder. "Calm down, calm down, shh, shh. You're alright, James." Jordan whispered over and over, I held onto him tighter, yearning for any type of comfort.

Jordan was right. I was worse than last time.

"I shouldn't have kept that from him!" I shouted into the crook of his neck, tightly closing my eyes. "I shouldn't have lied to him, I shouldn't have lied!" My sobs took over, babbling coming out instead of words. "I shouldn't have hurt him...," I managed to say, "he didn't deserve to be hurt...I shouldn't have hurt him..." 

My wailing died down after awhile, my eyes opened only slightly. I was just so tired... "Here we go, here we go." Jordan mumbled as he laid me back down onto the bed, his arms removing themselves from my back. I let go of him as well, laying on my back as Jordan placed the blanket back down on top of me.

"I'm just as bad as Nate, Jordan." I abruptly admitted, earning a wide eyed expression from him with a slightly open mouth.

"James..." Jordan whispered, nonbelief in his tone.

"What? It's the truth." I murmured, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm just as bad as Nate..."

There was a moment of silence before I heard the bedroom door open, I couldn't see who it was, Jordan was blocking my view. But, I already knew opened the door based on the voice.

"Don't say that."

Aleks.

I sat myself up as Jordan turned around himself, Aleks staring at me with light tears in his eyes. He must have been there the whole time... "You're not Nate, James. You're not, don't say that you are because you're not."

I stared at him hopefully, feeling the tiniest sliver return. He still wore his suit from yesterday, well, parts of it. Though his hair was somewhat a mess, his shirt was wrinkled, pants a little loose, and tears in his eyes, he still looked a beautiful as ever. He always did to me. 

Jordan stood up from the bed, picking his hat back up as he did so. "I'd better be going, I'll let you two sort things out." He nodded at the both of us as he walked towards the door.

"Thanks, Jordan." Aleks thanked, Jordan smiled and with that, shut the door and left. Aleks returned his gaze to me, I never took my eyes off of him. I never thought he'd step foot into this apartment again. I thought I'd never see him again. I thought I'd never be able to tell him I love him again. Or apologize for everything I did.

"Why are you here?" I wondered as he gradually took a seat on the bed. 

"What do you mean?" He questioned. He looked up at the ceiling as he talked. "This is home."

I teared up at his words. Throughout all the conflict, this was still home to Aleks. "You shouldn't have come back." I told him, his eyes meeting mine. "You deserve better." I whispered, making his eyes grow soft. "So much better than me..."

Aleks didn't say anything to that, he just hung his head as he looked away. "I'm sorry, Aleks..." I apologized, Aleks shyly looking back at me. "I didn't mean to scare you...I didn't want to hurt you, I couldn't..." I was lost for words.

"It's alright, James." Aleks accepted, literally, taking my breath away. "I heard what you said...it's okay." He wore a small smile. "I do a lot of shit I regret when I'm angry, I get it." He nodded his head, ensuring his words. He paused for a moment. "I shouldn't have said what I said. That was...way out of line." He went on, sorrow in his eyes. Those amazing eyes... "I shouldn't have brought Dante into this. You told me about him because you said I deserved to know. I had to go and abuse that trust...

"...I'm so sorry."

His voice sounded so frail, but meaningful.

I looked up at him, trying my best to hide my tears as I smiled. "That's okay, l-like you said, people do things they don't mean all the time." I agreed, feeling a sense of faith wash over us. "Besides, this is all because of me, it's not your fault. I should've told you about Nate coming back."

Aleks cocked his head slowly, sighing as he did so. "James.." He whispered, wanting me to stop right there.

"No, no." I fought back, needing to apologize. "I promised you to always tell the truth, you are my responsibility. So is your recovery." I stared into his eyes before going on. "I violated my promise, and landed the court case right into Nate's hands." I shook my head, lowering it. "I fucked everything up." 

"But, you did it for a good reason." His statement caught my attention. "You didn't violate your promise, you swore to protect me, and that's why you hit him. You did it for me, and even though it's weird, that shows that you do care about me, and I'm sorry for not seeing that." His lips formed into a tiny smile. "It feels pretty good, having someone to defend me like that. You busted his fucking nose, you should be proud!" He chuckled as he nudged me lightly.

I couldn't help, but smile back. A real, true, bold smile.

A moment of silence took over afterwards, neither of us saying a word. I looked up from my stare at the blanket, Aleks looking up as well. 

"We're okay?" I mumbled, taking that leap of faith for something to hold onto to. How much I wanted it to be Aleks' hand.

He nodded his head, also speaking quietly. "Yeah, we're okay." 

Bliss. Absolute bliss.

Aleks opened his arms, motioning for a hug. I slowly leaned forward towards him, afraid to lay a hand on him. Last time I did...it didn't end well. "It's okay, it's okay. Go ahead, it's alright." Aleks informed me, gesturing for me to come closer. I progressively placed my arms around him, sighing into the crook of his neck as he held me in return. 

"I missed you so much." I muttered, nuzzling against the side of his neck. I began to tear up again, feeling the pain. "I didn't sleep at all last night. The bed felt so empty without you...it felt so cold..." My voice cracked.

"It did?" Aleks asked, his lips mere centimeters away from my ear. I nodded my head, afraid if I were to speak again, I were to just break down sobbing. "Well, let's fix that." He mumbled, letting go of me and crawling to his side of the bed. The bed felt whole again, I wasn't afraid of falling off the edge. 

Of anything.

He sighed as he laid down, turning on his side to meet me. I wiped away a few tears rolling down my cheeks, grateful for Aleks being here. "Aw, come here, come here." He muttered, holding me close to his chest. I cried quietly into his buttoned down shirt, glad I had something other than a pillow to help me.

"I love you, Aleks. I love you, I love you so much." I mumbled over and over, rambling on and on. My crying seemed to be endless, I had never cried so much before.

"Hey, hey. Calm down, calm down. I'm here, James, I'm here." He told me, his voice mollifying. "Hey...," He whispered one last time as he swallowed.

"It's hard letting go

I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong..."

I smiled, holding onto Aleks' shirt tighter. He was singing me to sleep...

"Slow, I'm getting up

My hands and feet are weaker than before."

I took a deep breath, wanting to do nothing, but listen.

"And you are folded on the bed

Where I rest my head 

There's nothing I can see

Darkness becomes me"

That's how I felt last night without him.

"But I'm already there, I'm already there

Wherever there is you, I will be there too."

"Show off." I joked, teasing about the fact that he hit each note perfectly.

"Jackass." He mumbled, laughing lightly.

"Keep going." I told him, closing my eyes. "I like the way you sing." He chuckled at my comment before he went onto the next verse.

"There's nothing that I'd take back

But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret"

Wasn't that the truth?

"Cause when I sing, you shout

 

I breath out loud, you bleed, we crawl

Like animals, but when it's over

I'm still awake"

"Wow..." I quietly whispered, smiling tiredly.

"A thousand silhouettes, dancing on my chest

No matter where I sleep, you are haunting me 

But I'm already there, I'm already there

Wherever there is you, I will be there, too 

I'm already there, I'm already there 

Wherever there is you, I will be there, too"

His voice was amazing as he hummed the bridge, I never knew he could sing. Each note hit perfectly, all blending together as I could finally relax. Relax in his arms...

By the time of the chorus, I decided to join in.

"Cause I'm already there, I'm already there

Wherever there is you, I will be there, too

I'm already there, I'm already there 

Wherever there is you, I will be there, too..."

I sighed as the song ended, Aleks resting his head atop mine. "Your voice is so beautiful..." I groggily told him, slowly feeling myself drift to sleep. Aleks looked down at me, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Really?" He asked, his voice sending me further into a deep sleep.

I nodded my head, snuggling closer to him. "Can you sing again?" I wondered, closing my eyes slowly. 

Aleks giggled before answering. "Of course." He accepted. He held me closer, I could hear his constant heartbeat. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. Ba-Bum. His beating heart was a song of its own. I slowly fell into unconsciousness, smiling wider as I only heard the first lyric of the next song. But, the first lyric was all I needed.

"I remember tears streaming down your face..."


	11. Chapter 11: What's Your Favorite Food?

(Aleks' POV)  
"Aleks, you really don't have to." James told me, sitting down next to me on the bed. The color was returning to his cheeks, contrasting greatly of how pale they appeared yesterday. His eyes were no longer red, no tears fell from them. His smile was something I missed, too. Though it was only a small one, it started to piece my world back together.

"But, I want to!" I urged, sounding like a child begging for candy. I had waken up this morning seeing James in my arms, and all I wanted to do was make him feel good today. No more fighting, no more crying, no more hurting. On the inside or out. There had been a lot of pain yesterday, it mainly penetrated my heart. 

I sat outside of the bedroom door, listening to James explain everything to Jordan. I heard every word, every apology, every cry. James had felt so horrible for what he did, I regretted leaving him. That guilt led into today, James went through more misery than I. I may have gotten shot at, but James took the bullet. Right in the heart...

He sounded as if he had given up, there was no hope left in his life. He thought he had lost me and that my words were true. I ripped his heart from his chest, stealing it from him as he bled out. But, I'm glad I could place it back in and watch him come to life again.

"Aleks..." James mumbled, trying to make me second guess my suggestion.

"Don't 'Aleks' me! Please, just, humor me." I told him, propping myself up on my knees. "Yesterday was a fucking nightmare, the night before was even worse. I'm sorry for putting you through that, and right now I want that extra hurt from yesterday to fade." I explained. James' smile grew a bit more faithful.

"I want to make you feel good, so...please?" I asked, motioning my head for James to lay down. He stared at me a moment more, eyebrows raised. He sighed in defeat as he shook his head.

"You motherfucker. Fine!" He agreed, chuckling as he spoke. He lifted his shirt over his head and threw it on the other corner of the bed. He mumbled a curse under his breath as he laid chest down on the bed. "If you didn't look at me with those eyes, I wouldn't have given in." He muttered, his voice somewhat muffled due to the pillow he was on. "I hate you so much."

"The feeling's mutual." I responded, pulling off my hoodie as I scooted a bit closer to him. I heard him laugh, realizing that was what I missed most of all over our time apart. So many things I missed of him, his scent, his eyes, his smile, his care, his understanding nature, his light kisses, his warming hugs. Out of everything of James, his chuckles were what I wanted to hear the most. Just listening to his laugh made all my problems and issues seem to fade away, it let me know that James was doing just fine.

And if he was okay, I was okay.

Most of the time.

I sighed before making another movement, building up my confidence. Don't be afraid Aleks, a voice told me in the back of my mind. A voice I hadn't heard in a while, one that was pushed away and ignored once fear started coming into my life. Just look at all the things you've been able to do before.

You've been able to tell James what happened when you thought you couldn't. You agreed to a relationship, knowing that's what you needed and wanted. You've committed more to it than you think. You've comforted him so many times, you've pushed yourself to kiss him on the cheek when you were uncertain, you changed his life around and gave him a motive. An inspiration. A bond that no one could break.

You came back to him when you knew yourself it was the right thing to do.

Pass that affection onto him.

I gently placed my hands on his back, pressing down my palms on the sides of it. I heard James sigh satisfyingly as I brought my hand up and slowly dragged my palm down his back. This was what I wanted to do, I wanted him to feel how good it felt. What it felt like when he did this for me, how it soothed me, relaxed me, calmed me. Made me feel no pain. 

Which he felt too much of.

He lived his nightmare. He didn't want to lose me, and he was afraid that he did. That fear of loss and loneliness started to get to him. He didn't sleep. He didn't eat. He didn't get up from the bed. He couldn't stop crying. His stomach lost the war with puking. 

Fear makes me lose control. It makes James never take it again.

My fingers traveled up to his shoulders, then back down, rubbing small circles with my thumbs on his lower back. James was perfect all over. From his personality, to his looks, to his body. James had to have been the most handsome man I had ever known. And I was the most beautiful to him.

My hand lifted from his back and balanced myself against the mattress as I leaned forward and placed a kiss on his close-eyed face. He smiled contently, humming softly. "That felt nice." I heard him murmur, sighing happily. "Thank you." He thanked me, opening his eyes and finding mine.

These moments were another thing longed for.

"I missed you." I told him, laying down lightly on his back. My clothed chest warmed his bare back a bit more. 

James let out a small breath. "I missed you, too." He paused. "So much. I'm sorry for everything I put you through." He closed his eyes again, covering his tears. "I'm just so sorry..."

I hovered my head above his, watching his eyes open delicately. "Don't cry, James. It's okay. We're here, together. That's all that matters." I kissed his cheek, he lightly chuckled when my lips touched his skin. "Cause I know, no matter what we may go through, I'll still have you. And you will always have me."

That was a promise I could make. That I could keep. I couldn't live without James, I don't know what I would do without him in my life. That fight between us proved that we were only human, we makes mistakes, and can feel the pain and regret. James wasn't horrible, he was only innocent. His mistakes can be forgiven. They are forgiven. 

The halo in his eyes came back, too. He is the angel I thought he was.

He's a perfect angel, to me. He's been through tough times, but he's come out alive. He's my angel, showing me that there is pain in life, but it can be overcome. It can be fought and triumphed. He speaks from experience, my angel has damaged wings. He can't fly like the others, but he makes the best of his situation. 

I'm learning to do the same with him by my side. And whether we learn to fly or not, he will always be by my side.

James rolled over onto his back and held me close to him, me laying on his chest. He gazed up at me, that timid smile of his showing through. I felt his heartbeat against my own, both pounding at the same time. His heart matched mine...

"What do you want to do today?" I wondered, feeling James' hands slide up and down my back and sides. I melted at such a simple touch, beginning to feel comfortable with such intimacy. Feeling more comfortable with James. I didn't whimper when he held me like that, I didn't make him stop, I didn't feel awkward. 

I was recovering...

"I want to get to know you again." James mumbled, his statement confusing me. "When we argued, it felt like we didn't who each other were." He explained, his hands resting on my back. He was right, I didn't know I could be so nasty. I didn't know he could be so defensive. We were practical strangers with a slew of mistakes that brought us together.

"I want to meet that man I fell in love with again, get to know him possibly even more than I already did. Already do." I grinned at his words, liking such an idea. "I want to make sure that person I turned into before is dead. You won't meet him ever again." He swore, nodding his head. 

"I want to get to know you." James repeated, sitting himself and I up. He sat with his legs crossed as he tugged his shirt back on, then rested himself against the headrest. I pulled my legs to my chest, hugging them as I readjusted my position. 

I liked this idea, learning about one another again. It gave you an inside look on the other's life, their likes and dislikes. Their strengths and weaknesses. Their hopes and doubts. Possibly what you could do to help. It would bring James and I closer, knowing that there's someone to trust. Someone who will keep your secrets, share their experiences, who can feel your pain, and help you conquer your fears.

That was the relationship between James and I. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

"So," James began, wearing a half smile, "what's your favorite color?" He asked, resting a hand on his knee. 

I giggled quietly, a sense of predilection entering the room. I had missed that feeling, too. Along with appreciation, desire, humbleness, and importance. And James' love... "Either blue or red." I answered, seeing his eyes light up at my answer. "What about you?" 

"Green." He answered, running his hand through his curls. Something so small about him could open an entire new world. From his favorite color to his favorite time of day to his favorite movie. Something so miniscule increased my fondness of him. He was such an intricate person, you just had to dig below the surface.

To uncover his sweet heart.

"Who's your favorite singer?" I questioned back, just wondering who it could be. He sighed as he looked down, pondering as he stared at the blanket. He scratched at his beard as he laughed, meeting my eyes.

"I have no fucking idea." He chortled with his words. "There's so many, I don't know...to go along with your teasing, I guess Taylor Swift." He chuckled quietly, I soon joined in. I smiled widely, remembering that night. Remembering last night. I really was learning from the best.

"I'd probably have to go with Lincoln Park." I responded, but then thinking again. "Or, maybe, Green Day." I changed my mind again. "But, Coldplay is pretty good. And Of Monster and Men. Oh, so is Fallout Boy." I heard James begin to laugh as I lifted my head.

"See, you can't even decide!" James pointed out, laying on his side on top of the pillows. He let out a sigh, thinking of another question. "Let's see...who's your celebrity crush? And I swear, if you go on an endless spiel." James jokingly warned, his cheeks owning a light shade of fuchsia.

"Definitely Brad Pitt." I returned without hesitation, earning an odd expression from James.

"Really?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "Isn't he kind of old?" His eyes squinted as he laughed on, leaning a bit more against the pillows. "He could be your father!" He was laughing so hard, tears were forming.

"Hey, fuck you!" I shouted at him, kicking him playfully. He laughed harder, his whole face turning pink. 

His laugh is what I missed most of all...

"And-And his long ass hair?" I couldn't help, but laugh at that. "You're into that? W-What do you want? Me to grow mine out like that again?" I fell back onto the bed, imagining James with hair like that. I could barely breath through my chuckles.

Everything was okay again. James was okay again. I was okay again...for now. There may have been stress somewhere in the near future, but this moment made it seem to vanish. The laughter between us was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, even when he were laughing so much it was silent. The way his blended with mine, our voices intertwining, not overlapping. It was the most amazing sound.

I was glad it lasted for as long as it did. For hours that built up to half of the day.

We spent a majority of the day just sitting on that bed, ping-ponging questions at one another. The sun was shining brightly in the middle of the sky, the sky the causal color of azure. But, outside wasn't as warm as our apartment.

Or James' heart.

"What's your favorite candy?" I questioned, seeing that James and I had switched positions on the bed. He laid towards the footrest as I sat up with the pillows.

He looked up at the ceiling, making a ridiculous face as he thought. "Well, definitely not Fun Dip cause that burns like a bitch." I snickered at his words. "I'd say...skittles." He replied, itching at the back of his head. "What's your favorite animal?" He wondered, propping himself up onto his elbow.

"I thought you already asked that." I told him, tossing a pillow at him from across the bed. 

"Oh, shit, I did. Well..." He pushed the pillow out of his face as he laughed, trying to think again. "What's your favorite restaurant?" He questioned, throwing the pillow back over at me.

"That, too." I added, holding the pillow close to me. It smelled like James, sort of sweet with just a hint of something more. Something I couldn't describe, but made me feel at home. It was much better than the vague scent of coconut on Jordan's pillows. That scent couldn't compare...

"Fuck!" He shouted, laying on the bed, eyes wandering on the ceiling. "Oh! I got one!" He announced as he sat back up, an evil smirk on his face that only the devil would wear. He had something up his sleeve. "Who did you lose your virginity to?" He giggled with his question.

I felt my smile fade, this question was more personal than all the rest. It wasn't as guiltless as 'What's a place you always wanted to travel to?' or 'What's your favorite video game?'. It was private, it was secret, it was untold.

It was embarrassing.

"Alright, I'll go first." James backed off as I didn't answer right away. He swallowed as he began. "I was...eighteen, just out of high school with my boyfriend at the time, Trevor." He shook his head as he smiled. "I went over to his house one day, his parents were out of town. His mom and step dad were on their honeymoon and...," He paused, taking a breath, "...so were we." 

He let out a loud laugh, I couldn't stop myself from chuckling along with him. "God, that was a fun conversation with my mom when she found out!" He chortled as he rested his head against his hand, letting go of a large breath. "Okay, your turn." His eyes flicked up to me.

I looked down, clutching the pillow tighter. I opened my mouth slowly, a bit nervous to get this off of my chest. But, I had to tell him, I could trust him. He deserved to know...

"I was...," I stopped, feeling fear rise up again, "...twenty-two." My age now. I dared not to look into James' eyes. "When Nate..." I couldn't continue, but I knew he got the message. 

Silence.

I kept my head aimed at my feet, too scared to look up. I had never had sex in my life, thinking that that was going to change when Nate and I started dating. I was wrong, over that month, I kept trying, but to no avail. That might have been the reason he did that to set me straight...

"You mean you didn't..." James' voice trailed as I forced myself to look up at him. His eyes read sympathy, his expression sullen. "You were a virgin when he did that to you?" His voice was quiet, he barely spoke above a whisper. I nodded my head, letting the pillow in my arms fall. "Oh...Aleks..." I closed my eyes, I'm not sure what I was feeling.

Self-loathing? Embarrassment? Insecurity? A head ache coming on? I didn't say anything after that, worried of what James was thinking of me. But, I soon knew when I felt his arms slowly wrap around me.

I lifted my head up and placed it onto his shoulder, tears stinging my eyes. "I'm sorry, Aleks..." I heard his hushed whisper in my ear. "I can't believe that...he...would do that to you. Knowing that you were..." He shook his head, but didn't continue. "I'm so sorry, Aleks. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." 

"It's okay, James." I muttered, feeling my tears recede. I didn't cry... "It's okay, I have you, it's okay." I told him, feeling proud of myself for once. I stopped myself from crying, I had something in me to stop the tears. I finally felt proud of myself.

It was quiet between us for a minute or so, a minute or so that would usually be filled with my sniffles. But, it wasn't. Just our breaths and beating hearts. I closed my eyes, holding James tighter. I never wanted to let his scent go. I never wanted to let him go.

"I promise...if...we have it, to not hurt you or terrify you in any way." James' voice echoed in my head, his remembered words easing me a bit more. 

"Not 'if'...when...when we have it." My small voice spoke, a smile formed on my face just as small as my tone. 

We will have it, that was another promise I could keep to James. He won't hurt me. He won't scare me. He won't keep going when I plead for him to stop through sobs and wails. He'll make me feel good. And I want to make him feel the same. We will have it. I know we will. If I've grown so comfortable around James like this, then I can do it. All I need is a push...

I heard James clear his throat, our arms still around each other. "So...," He began, "what's your favorite food?"


	12. Chapter 12: It's All Over The News

(James' POV)  
Four days.

Four days until the final hearing. The final say, whether Nate is innocent or guilty. Whether the evidence is in Aleks' favor, or not. The anticipation growing too much as we sit in that court room for hours. The worry of going up to the stand. The jury watching. The judge watching. Nate watching. It would be a lie if I said I wasn't a bit scared.

I was extremely scared. And this is coming from the person it didn't even happen to. I wasn't the victim of this mess, I may have gotten tangled into it, but I wasn't hurt. I wasn't abused. I wasn't...mistreated in the worst of ways... I didn't know what to expect from the courtroom on Sunday. All I could do was just sit and wait.

Wait for destiny.

Who would I see fall? That was the question that would soon be answered at the moment of truth. Would Nate lose? Find himself behind bars for years on end? Leave our lives alone as his begins to rot away? Or, would Aleks lose? Would his life ever be the same? Would this loss take away his progress? His strength? His confidence? Would the nightmares ever go away?

Or, would I lose? Would I fall? Faster than Nate, harder than Aleks. Would I ever be able to get back up? Knowing Nate beat us? Understanding that he would still be out there? That Aleks would take this straight to the heart? Realizing that I let him down?

That I couldn't catch him?

All would be revealed in four days. Ninety six hours, five-thousand seven-hundred sixty minutes, three-hundred forty-five thousand six hundred seconds. All ticking away, quicker than anticipated. I shook my head, getting my mind off of it. All of those days, all of those hours, all the minutes, every second...I would spend them with Aleks.

Cooking with Aleks. Cleaning up with Aleks. Kissing Aleks. Hugging Aleks. Holding him, laying down next to him, rocking him back and fourth. Watching tv with him, playing video games with him, telling stories, sharing jokes, memories, secrets. Some big, some small. I was going to make these four days last.

Tick, tick, tick...

I concentrated back onto my phone, deleting items on it for more space. I had way too many pictures, needing to get rid of them all. Not only were they taking up space, but it was about time to delete them. It would be hard, but I had to entirely let go.

Let go of the pictures of Dante and I.

I'm not even sure why I kept them so long, we split up in January. This was seven months later and they still haunted my phone. Still haunted me. I tried to get rid of everything that would remind me of him. All the presents he gave me, either for a holiday, birthday, or just because. His contact information, why would I even need it? I even got a new couch, remembering that he was the one who bought the old one. 

That ring was lost around here...somewhere... 

Now, it was time for the photos to go. One by one, their existence was gone, never to be retrieved again. The memories made me tear up, remembering how much I felt loved by him. And how much it was all a lie... A saw a photo of the first time we met, it was Dan's 24th birthday party. We were both standing at the kitchen counter, talking to one another, a crowd of various people surrounding us. Dan snapped a photo of the two of us, and sent it to me the next morning, teasing me saying that I was in love.

At the time, he was right. Next thing I knew, Dante and I decided to hook up. One   
year later...

I zoomed in on his face, remembering his light brown hair, dusky blue eyes, small smile, large height. Even how his two front teeth were uneven... I pressed my thumb down on the picture and clicked the option 'delete', acting immediately when a second notice came up asking if I was sure.

Yes, I was sure. I was over Dante. Aleks is who I'm with now. He's changed my life for the better and helped me through rough times. And he's the most beautiful person I could ever know. Dante didn't compare to how attractive Aleks was. 

Not in the slightest. 

One right after another, photos were erased from my phone. From us on an airplane to see his parents in Seattle, to going for a walk on a chilly fall day. Dante did always like autumn, but that didn't matter. Aleks' answer was better to that question.

"I can't really say." Aleks' response from yesterday resurfaced in my mind. "I pretty much like all of them. Spring, it's nice out, not too hot nor cold. It's peaceful, everything starts coming back to life and it's really beautiful.

"Summer's good, too. It might get hot, but there's a lot of fun conventions to go to. Summer gives you time to relax, do whatever you want. You get to go outside more, it's a perfect time to travel.

"And fall, it gets a bit cold, but the colors of the leaves are amazing. The birds start to go away, though, no light chirps in the background. But, that's alright. I think the quiet and the fall fit well together. That's just me.

"Winter...I really like winter. When the snow falls it's just so pretty. It's kind of romantic...yet freezing." We both laughed at his words.

Aleks was amazing at how he described things. Another reason of why I loved him as much as I did.

More pictures were soon fading, Dante leaving my life entirely by the erasing of each one. From me taking pictures of him when he was napping, to driving here to there, distances short or long. From when I reluctantly agreed to go on a roller coaster with him, to going out to eat, to just taking a picture of him for the hell of it.

I didn't think or look twice at the pictures of us kissing.

Picture after picture, and soon Dante was gone completely.

I looked up from my phone at the sound of something being dragged across the floor. I turned my head to see Aleks pushing a small table out of his recording room and into the hallway. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, turning off my phone and placing it on the couch cushion next to me.

Aleks grunted as he pushed the table a little further with his leg. "I'm switching out the coffee tables." He told me, making his way to the side of the couch with the table. I gave him a chuckle as I looked at him, then the table, then to him again.

Dante didn't compare...

"Why do you need to switch out the tables? Mine's just fine." I told him, pointing to the table to the right of me. 

"It's, literally, about to fall apart, James. If I sit on it, it'll collapse." He informed me, nudging the other table a bit closer. 

"But, if you don't sit on it, it'll be fine!" I joked, sitting a bit more back in my seat. "Besides, why would you sit on it anyway? It's a coffee table." I pointed out.

"It's a coffee table right now. Who knows what it will be used for in the future?" Aleks teased, making me laugh hard by his joke. He was getting more comfortable with flirting. He was returning to his old self again.

I wonder when we'll get to kiss...

"Here, I'll prove it to you." Aleks said while stepping next to my coffee table. 

"Aleksandr, I swear, if you sit one ass cheek down on that table..." I warned, humor with my tone. Without hesitation, Aleks sat down on the table, just waiting for it to fall beneath him. Nothing happened. "See! I fucking told you!" I proved myself right just as creaking was heard and the table broke, leaving Aleks sitting on top of the rubble on the floor.

He fell back laughing, I couldn't help, but do the same. I liked the taunting in our relationship, the childish banter that made me smile ear to ear. Aleks owned an unusual and quirky personality, and that was the way I loved it. He was unique, not your everyday person. He was different in a good way, always the person that stood out. Always the person that caught my eye. Always the person I wanted every moment with to last.  
I picked up my phone from the couch and set up the camera, laughter still flooding the room. "Hey, Aleks." I called his name, earning his attention as he sat up and looked over at me. I snapped a picture, hoping it would be the first of many. I swiped right, viewing the picture over. 

A blush crept onto Aleks' face as he smiled widely as he still laughed, his arms balancing himself against the floor on either side of him. One of his eyebrows was raised above the other as the light from the window made his eyes look brighter. 

It was the start of a new album.

"The fuck was that for?" Aleks wondered, standing up from the broken mess. He pushed the wreckage aside, making room for the other table.

"No reason." I answered, my eyes still focusing on the picture. "No reason." I repeated, taking a photo for no reason made the best pictures. Aleks snickered as he dragged the other coffee table in the place of the other, adjusting it accordingly.

"There, that looks better." He commented, taking a step back. I smiled, having no other choice than to agree.

Then there was a knock at the door.

I stood up from the couch, reluctantly turning off my phone, making Aleks' picture fade. "Yeah, why don't you break that one while you're at it?" I japed, walking to the door and opening it.

I wished I hadn't.

My eyes widened, my smile faded. I froze in place, not sure what to think. Not sure what to say. I felt the pressure of tears on my eyes. My hand fell from the doorknob and against my leg, my whole body feeling weak. My heart...stopped.

I was met by a man a little taller than me. He wore a red shirt and denim jeans, the outline of his phone in his front pocket. He had light brown hair. He had dusky blue eyes. He had a small, half smile. I could see his two uneven front teeth. 

"...D-Dante...?" I heard myself choke out, not knowing what I was feeling. Sadness? Anger? Fear? I just stared at him, mouth hanging open as I tried to hold back tears. This was the man who turned me down. This was the man who threw my ring. This was the man who left me, took all of his stuff, and disappeared. This was the man who cheated on me. This was the man who hurt me, left me a crying mess, broke my heart and didn't even stick around to watch the blood seep out.

This was Dante.

"James." His voice was quiet as he shook his head, his blue eyes scanning me. "You look great." His half smile formed into a full smile, his eyes meeting mine again.   
It felt like my heart was burned. It hurt to breath, and the only way to put out the flames was crying. All of the times we spent together starting playing in my mind. Everything we ever did together, everything we shared, everything that happened between us was all for nothing. And now he just comes back out of the blue? Out of the blue of his eyes? Out of the sickening and hurtful blue of his eyes?

"Why are you here?" I wondered, my voice frail and trembling. It hurt me to look into those eyes, the last time I saw them, they were so angry. They didn't hold the slightest trace of guilt. "Why the fuck are you here?" I reiterated once he didn't answer, my voice raising just a bit more.

"I heard about this entire court trial thing going on with you and your friend. I hadn't   
seen you in almost forever-" 

"Yeah, I wonder why." I cut him off, my voice as condescending as ever. "How did you find out?" I interrogated.

"It's all over the news." Dante informed me as he cocked his head, looking down. "And after hearing about it...hearing about you, I just thought that maybe we could set aside our differences and talk." His eyes looked honest, but his words were false.

"You can set aside whatever the fuck you want, but I'm not talking to you." I tried my hardest to keep my composure. I needed to be the strong one. "After what you did to me, you expect me to talk to you?" Vexation started to take over me.

"James?" I heard Aleks call me followed by his footsteps nearing the door. Dante looked behind me and at Aleks, he smiled, but his eyes hinted at jealousy. I thought devils didn't have feelings... 

"You must be Aleks." Dante greeted him, pushing past me as he entered the apartment. He held out his hand as Aleks awkwardly took it, unfamiliarity in his look. 

"Who are you?" Aleks asked, he looked as confused as ever.

"I'm James'...ex...boyfriend, Dante." He introduced himself as Aleks' expression turned rather loathsome. He looked over at me, sympathy in his eyes as he saw the tears in mine. He aimed his eyes back to Dante who wore the fakest grin I had ever seen.

"You're Dante?" Aleks wondered, giving him the third degree. He took his hand away from Dante's, the same disgusted expression plastered on his face. "What gives you any right to come back here after what you did to him?" Aleks questioned, he caught me off guard.

He was standing up for me when I couldn't...

"Oh...he told you about me?" Dante replied with a glare at me, shaking his head as he returned to Aleks. "That was just a misunderstanding, I didn't mean to go so far." He elucidated. Lied, is more like it.

"No, I don't think it was." Aleks' tone turned stern. "He proposed, and you yell at him, throw the ring, then leave. That doesn't sound like a misunderstanding at all." He was being so brave and assertive. I was so proud. "And then on top of that, you were cheating on him. For two months. But, you didn't mean to go that far..." Dante stared at him with the same revulsion and detestation.

"That's big talk for a man who couldn't even defend himself when he was getting raped." Dante pushed back, his words bitter as they singed my heart more.

"You don't talk to him like that!" I shouted at him, seeing tears form in Aleks' eyes. Dante turned his head towards me, leaving Aleks alone for now.

"And you couldn't stop it either. Where were you when it happened, James? Crying yourself to sleep like you always do?" His patronizing voice made me shrink away. Whenever Dante and I fought during our relationship, he'd always scare me, sometimes to the point where I'd sleep on the couch to escape him. Another reason I got rid of the couch, I had spent too many nights sleeping and crying on it.

And we were together for a year...

"When you cry, it only proves that you're weak." Dante's words only made more tears come, closing my eyes to try and hide them. I was weak...I can't believe my lips once touched his...

"Hey!" Aleks yelled, and the next thing I heard was a slap. I inched open my eyes, seeing Dante holding the left side of his face and Aleks staring at him with acrimony in his eyes. Dante stared at him in shock, removing his hand to unveil a red mark on his cheek. Aleks hit him...Aleks hit him for me...

"You don't treat him that way." Aleks' voice was direct and stubborn. "The only weak one here is you for coming back here just to upset him." Aleks' eyes turned cold, as cold as Dante's heart. If he even had a heart at all. Aleks stepped closer to Dante, Dante staring at him with...fear in his eyes. 

Fear.  
He was afraid of Aleks.

"You leave him the fuck alone, you hear me?" Aleks whispered, I had never seen him so protective before. He didn't have to say those three words, his actions regarding Dante showed that he did.

He does... 

"I don't want to see you again. You got that?" Aleks clarified as Dante nodded his head. Aleks kept his stare for a moment longer, Dante appearing as if he wasn't moving at all. "Now, get the fuck out of our apartment." 

Dante slowly backed up, his hand returning to hold his face again. Aleks stared at him angrily the entire time, it felt nice having someone to be there for me. Someone strong like Aleks. I'm glad I had Aleks.

Dante turned before leaving fully, eyes darting at Aleks. "You know, you sound exactly like him." Dante commented, his eyes trailing over to mine. "Must be love." He jeered.

"Like you would know what love is." Aleks sneered, never breaking his gaze. Dante shook his head, took a few steps down the hall, and was gone. Again. Forever. I placed my hand on the handle again, closing the door silently.

My eyes lifted from the ground to Aleks, tears blurring my vision, but I could still make out Aleks' face. He looked as amazed as I was, he not only stood up for me, but for himself. He proved to himself that he could fight anything, whether it was his old room, Dante, or Nate. 

Just wait and see how Nate will react to Aleks' bravery...

"Thank you." I heard myself mumble, my lip trembling. I would never have to deal with Dante again thanks to Aleks. He really was helping me... "Thank you, thank you." I walked closer to him as I threw my arms around him, him doing the same with me. "Thank you, Aleks..." I murmured over and over as I weakly cried into his shoulder. 

"Shh, shh. It's okay, James." He whispered into my ear, rubbing my back. "He's gone, James. He's gone, and he's never coming back." I heard myself hiccup lightly as my tears stained Aleks' shirt. "He won't hurt you, baby."

I was quiet for a moment after that.

"B-Baby?" I asked, I felt myself smile. I lifted my head and looked at him, laughing shyly at the nickname. He giggled along with me, cupping either side of my face. I felt loved by somebody. Somebody with the shiniest eyes. Somebody with the most adorable smile. Somebody with the sweetest words, the most daring heart, and the most gentle touches. "Baby." I repeated, shaking my head as Aleks chuckled again. "I like the sound of that."

Aleks bowed my head a little and placed a kiss on my forehead. "It's all okay, baby." I couldn't hide my blush. "Oh, wait..." He let go of my face and reached inside of his pocket, I was wondering what it could be. "I found this in the drawer of the other coffee table, I didn't know what you wanted to do with it."

He pulled out a ring case. The same ring case I bought for Dante. The same ring inside I bought for Dante. So that was where I put it... He placed it in my hand slowly, the blue velvet felt so soft. I stared at it a moment longer, examining the tiny box, feeling tears fall down my face. I placed my other hand on the top half and opened it, revealing the golden ring inside.

The four diamonds glimmered exactly like Aleks' eyes, in a certain kind of way that brought a tear to your eye. In my eyes were more than just a tear. I remembered Dante lifting the ring out the case and throwing it across the apartment. I later found it under the couch, after Jordan had helped me.

Strike three, the couch is gone.

"What are you going to do with it?" Aleks asked, my eyes finding his. I pondered for a minute or two, wondering where the ring would end up. Back in a drawer? In the trash? Underneath the couch again? I sighed lightly, then realizing what the fate of the ring would be.

"I think I should keep it." I told him, my eyes meeting Aleks'. "I might need it one day." He smiled, a blush spreading across his cheeks. I felt myself smile along with him as Aleks enclosed us in another hug. I placed my arms around him as well, my eyes looking down at the ring in my hand. I couldn't help, but grin.

That ring would look better on Aleks' finger anyway.


	13. Chapter 13: Something Nice

(Aleks' POV)

I yawned as I sat up from the bed, stretching my arms then relaxing them by my sides. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand, checking the time as I realized James had let me sleep in again. I looked over to his side of the bed. Empty. I placed my hand on top of it, the place still warm from where he once lay. And I couldn't stop myself from smiling when I heard his hums from the bathroom.

I stood up, yawning quietly and knowing that today would be a good day. Despite that today would only bring tomorrow. And tomorrow was lurking closer and closer with each second wasted. Tomorrow I had to see the inside of that court room again. The inside of the story again. The inside of Nate's lies again. And the darkness looming over his eyes. 

The darkness of his eyes.

I'd have to see the evidence, the testimonies of the three of us- James, Nate, and I. I'd have to see the judgmental and worry inducing looks from Sylvia Knight. And those of the jury. All twelve of them, men, women. Different heights, weights, heritage, ages, races. But, all had one thing in common, no matter how different they were. Their similarity: the fate of Nate was in their hands.

After listening to him, after listening to James, after listening to me, the decision was all up to them. Twelve random strangers were who I had to depend on. Who I had to persuade. Who I had to prove to that Nate was lying, and I just wanted my pain gone. What would they do? Lock him up? Set him free? Just keep an eye on him? Put me in the position of his punishment? 

I shuttered, worry beginning to build up. I couldn't start a morning like this, in desperate need of help as I thought crying would make everything go away. I was done with the crying, sick of the tears, the whimpers, the whines. Everytime I cried, I hated myself a bit more. Each tear added onto the self-loathing.

I turned around, feeling the summer sun shine on my face as I closed my eyes. I felt myself smile, the warmness bringing some sort of light to today. I sighed as I opened my eyes, saying 'hello' to the rays of light entering the room. I followed the beams with my eyes, they shone directly onto James' spot. Onto the unmade bed.

That was how today would really start.

By making the bed.

A made bed was a chore to others, something extra and tiresome to do in the early morning. Something exhausting and frankly not worth doing. But, that was where others were wrong. A made bed made all the difference, something so small like that can change ones point of view. 

Because if you bad day where everything doesn't go to plan, as soon as you step into that room, you'll look at the bed all made and prepared, and it gives you a sense of relaxation. A hope for a better tomorrow. A comforting goodnight that you will want again and again. 

So many things a made bed can do.

I pushed the blanket all the way to the far end of the bed, smoothing out the sheets. I readjusted the pillows, hugging James' and taking in its scent before laying it back down next to mine. I unwrinkled the covers, evening them out on either side until they were perfect. Well...perfect to me. Just like James.

Perfect to me.

I heard a light chuckle come from behind me as I let go of the edge of the blanket, turning my head to see a tired-eyed James smile at me, dressed for the day. He walked closer to me wrapped his arms around my waist, closing his eyes as he dipped his head into the crook of my neck. 

"Good morning." I mumbled, placing my arms on top of his. I gently rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb, smiling at the softness. I turned my head towards him and placed a kiss on top of his head, his hair tickling the tip of my nose.

"More like afternoon, asshole." He joked, lifting his head up and placing a small, but passionate kiss on my cheek. "You sleep good?" James asked, his lips brushing past my ear. I trembled at the feel, half afraid of it, half enjoying it. Well, opposites do attract...but why does it feel as if the fear always wins?

"Really good." I replied, feeling James' arms around my waist tighten the slightest bit. I inhaled sharply, unsure of why I was acting this way. I thought I was finally comfortable around James, why was I so suddenly scared of his touches? Awkward to embraces? A stranger to such intimate comfort?

Was it tomorrow? Was the stress making me fall away from James? Revert me back to the beginning of it all? To when I was all alone, no one to trust as the pain worsened. Deepened. Inflamed. When the bruises were anything, but unnoticeable. Whenever I licked my lips, I always tasted the slight trace of blood. When the pink mark on my wrist wasn't caused by me.

When I couldn't even sit down properly.

I was scared of the touches. The holding. The kissing. The devotion, the commitment, the relationship between James and I. But, I wanted it. It gave me something to hold onto, tightly or weakly, my hands still held onto it. I never wanted to let go, never   
wanted to shrink away.

Why does it feel like the fear always wins?

"You doing okay?" I heard his solid voice wonder, falling back into reality by the sound of it. He cupped the side of my face and aimed his eyes into mine. "You look worried." He commented, his voice sympathetic. He looked down at his arm around my waist and how close he was to me. I felt his arms slowly unwind themselves from around me followed by a few footsteps falling back. "Am I making you uncomfortable?" He questioned, eyes meeting mine again as I turned around to face him. "I'm sorry, Aleks."

"No!" I stopped him, watching his expression turn from guilty to confused. But patient. Always so patient. "No, it's-it's not you, James." I told him, lifting my hands somewhat to ease him. "Believe me when I say, it's not you." I tried to give a smile before going on. "It's tomorrow. It's really starting to get to me, making me freak out about everything.

"You're not doing anything wrong, I really appreciate all the care you've given me. It's really changed my life, thank you." He smiled shyly at my words. "I'm just nervous about tomorrow, there's just so much worry. It's making my fucking head pound."

A made bed and a head ache. Great way to   
start a Saturday.

"And that's okay. In all honesty, I'm pretty anxious myself." James admitted, making me look at him up and down, trying to find the slightest sign of fret. Either James was lying, or he was good at hiding his feelings.

But, James wouldn't lie to me. Never again.

"I'm sure it'll be alright." James told me as he walked forward for a small hug to which I slowly accepted. I wanted to believe in his words, but they held as much doubt as I did. He wasn't sure of what would happen in there tomorrow, something to fight the pain or to let it win. 

Let Nate win.

I whimpered at the thought.

"Hey, hey, it's alright." James whispered, rubbing my back for consolation. "I got you, I'm never letting go." His statement warmed my heart, I always had trouble holding on by myself. What if what I was holding onto held me in return? 

I felt some comfortableness come back.

Our embrace was soon torn apart once my phone began to ring. I heard James chuckle slightly as he let go of me as I picked up my   
phone.

Kevin.

Such a mood killer.

"Hello?" I answered, trying hard not to yawn into the phone as Kevin's voice replied.

"Hey, Aleks. H-How you feeling, man?" Kevin asked, his voice sounding cheery, but concerned. That was what I expected, I hadn't seen him in almost a week. And the last time I did was when my heart was broken. 

"I've been doing better, thanks for asking." I thanked, hearing James' footsteps trail off into the living room.

"Is everything alright between you and James?" Kevin questioned, sounding a bit on edge about the inquiry. I was glad that he cared so much.

I looked out to James in the living room by the mention of him. He sat on the couch, his phone in one hand, a Poptart in the other. "We're better than alright." I responded, feeling myself smile.

"Glad to hear that." He commented, I heard such relief in his voice. The appropriate feeling, I didn't know what would happen to James and I either. I was happy to find myself in the apartment I called home with the man who healed my pain. My James.

My 'baby'.

"Hey, listen, if you're up to it today, do you want to swing by the office? We can play this game I found on Steam, not sure what it's about, but it looks weird as fuck." We both laughed at his statement. "But, if you're not really feeling like it today, that's alright."

"Uh..." I paused, thinking over my decision. I looked over to James again, wondering what he would want me to do. 

"Go! Have fun! When was the last time you messed around? Almost two weeks ago?" I could hear his voice now. "Come on, just go! I want you to relax, go be the jerk-off you know you are!"

"Sure, that sounds like fun." I told him, feeling him smile from the other end of the line. "It'll be a good time to catch up. What time should I head over?" I asked, sitting myself down on the bed. James was right, it did feel kind of empty without the other. 

It was a little cold, considering the sun light.

"Whatever time's good for you." Kevin   
responded, consideration in his tone. 

"I guess, I'll be there in an hour?" I clarified.

"Sounds good to me!" Kevin agreed. "See ya then, Aleks." He departed.

"Bye, Kevin." I placed my phone back onto the side table, standing up from the bed and into the bathroom.

Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

I have one long list...  
* * * * * * * * 

I couldn't breath.

It wasn't in a bad way, I wasn't suffocating due to tears. I wasn't drowning in depression. I wasn't being choked by the pain. Right now, there was no pain. Only laughter. Unstoppable laughter that filled the entire room.

I hadn't laughed this hard in forever.

Though, I wish I could share this moment with James. This environment, this humbleness, the continuous chuckles. But, he had decided to stay home, urging me to go without him. I was a bit reluctant, it didn't feel right without him by my side. Kevin may have been caring, but not as caring as him. He may have been helpful, but not as helpful as him. He may have been soothing, but he couldn't soothe me like James can.

Kevin made the pain disperse momentarily. James made the pain numb for days at a time.

"What the fuck, man?!?" Kevin said through his chortles, grabbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb, middle, and index. We were both sitting on the couch in the stream room, not many people had come into work today. Only Kevin, myself, Jordan, Joe, and Spencer. 

Nonetheless, today had been as good as I hoped. Kevin and I played a few games, recorded for a little while, and spent the rest of the time talking. It was like when James and I did this, but it didn't feel the same. It was because as much as this place calmed me, it wasn't home. It wasn't James' couch. It wasn't James' smile, his eyes, his laugh.

And it wasn't his arms.

I pressed my back again the armrest of the   
couch, my laughter quieting along with Kevin's. The silence always had to return somehow. Someway. "You ready for tomorrow?" Kevin wondered, his question out of nowhere. 

Reality always had to find its way in, too. Somehow. Someway.

I let go a short breath. "Not really." I confided, feeling my fingers brush past my right wrist. Don't knead it Aleks, I thought to myself, James wouldn't you to do that. "I'm pretty scared of tomorrow, more scared than I've ever been."

"Really?" Kevin questioned, he sounded as if he didn't believe me. "Throughout today, you didn't seem the slightest bit worried." He commented, a small grin presenting itself. 

I guess I was learning more than how to comfort people from James.

"Well, I am." I chuckled slightly with my words, looking down at my shoes. "It's been weighing down on me for weeks. Ever since I made that call, I was afraid of what would happen. Over time it's increased...I keep having nightmares...one day the stress was so much, that I threw up...it was so bad that I couldn't even trust James... James, the man who had been helping me since the start and hasn't given up on me...

"...he said he won't give up on me..."

"He won't." Kevin informed me, causing me to look up. His eyes were soft, his expression sullen, but serious. "He loves you, Aleks. To a point where I can't even begin describe. He's helped you so much, and to leave you now would be unlike him. He couldn't, I know that for a fact." A bold smile appeared just before I timidly looked away.

"He cares for you and over time you become a part of him. He never wants that part to get hurt, he won't let anything happen to you. I can tell, he never felt this way with anyone else." He paused. "When he first introduced us to his ex-boyfriend Dante, I think his name was, James' looks weren't the same the way when he looks at you. When he talked about Dante, it couldn't compare to how I've heard him talk about you. And when he smiles when he looks at you...

"...I've never seen smile like that before." I could imaging it, bold, toothy, a blush being created. Relieving the pain, easing the tension, lighting the darkness. "Not only is this relationship helping you to get better, but it's doing the same for James. He's found someone that makes him feel...I don't know. Better, happy, relaxed. Whatever the word, whatever the emotion, I don't think he's ever felt that way with Dante." 

I pondered over his words, they made me realize how important I was. James and I were changing each others lives, there was more to our relationship than I thought. James was an anchor to me, keeping me still in the currents of drama and gloom. He kept me stable, he kept me sane, he kept me from drifting off into the abyss of woe. He helped me stay afloat, no matter how many times I fell under. 

And, I was helping him. He may not have shown it, but he was under a lot of stress. The court case. Helping me recover. Fighting Dante. Fighting Nate. Each were making his head hurt, but he held back the tears. He ignored the pain. He battled anxiety and worries. And as much as I thought I was hurting, I was helping. Helping him become stronger, helping him become more open, helping him win the war with fear.

We were in this battle together. And we would come out alive. Injured, but alive.

"You would never treat him like Dante did that night..." Kevin mumbled to himself, his words almost unheard. I turned my head to face him, confused by his statement. Did he know about the breakup, too...?

"What do you mean?" I asked, needing to hear more. I leaned forward in my seat, Kevin's face turning glum, his lips pouting a little. "What are you talking about?" 

"There was one day, about two months or so before Dante and James split, James looked really tired when coming into work." Kevin began, his eyes concentrating on the floor. "I was a bit worried, he didn't seem his usual self that day, so I asked if everything was alright. I was expecting him to yell at me like he always would in jest, but he said he could use someone to talk to."

I remembered that day, it was a few days after their year anniversary. James came into work exhausted and rather upset. I didn't want to bother him though, whenever I wondered if he was alright, he'd usually that he was. He wouldn't open up to me, he had a hard time opening up to anyone. 

The only times he did was when he was really desperate.

"James told me that Dante and him got into a pretty bad fight that night. I can't remember what it was about, it was so long ago, but Dante called James..." Kevin sighed, closing his eyes. "He called him pathetic and said that no one really cares about him."

The reason why he became so stoic.

"He told me that he ended up sleeping on the couch that night because Dante had scared him. He didn't get much sleep, actually. He said the couch was uncomfortable and he spent a great portion of the the night...

"...crying." Kevin let go of a shallow breath, a bit more of realization flooding my mind.

"Where were you when it happened, James? Crying yourself to sleep like you always do?" Dante's words from Thursday played again in my mind, now making complete sense. He heard James crying himself to sleep, but he didn't try to stop it. He didn't apologize. 

He just fell asleep to the sobs. James, reluctantly, did the same.

This happened two months before the break up. Around the time Dante started cheating, James not having a clue. 

The worst monsters are the ones we don't know about.

"That was the first time I had seen James cry..." Kevin shook his head at the thought. "It was scary really...seeing someone who was really strong and capable of keeping his composure...just fall apart like that..." 

The room fell silent.

It scared me, too, witnessing James in a state like that. Not everyone has the ability to hold oneself together, there's a point in everyone's life where they have to let out something. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Even the best of us who appear to be perfect have to let something out. They're holding something in, whether they admit it or not. 

When it's let out, sometimes it's not pretty. But, releasing it sometimes does lead to it.

"I know you'd never hurt him." Kevin spoke again after moments and moments of quietness. "You're the type of person he needs, understanding, comforting, gentle." All of the words I described him with. "He loves you for that, he needs you for that. I don't think I've ever seen two people as perfect as you two for each other." He smiled at the end.

I dipped my head down, light tears covering my eyes. The way Kevin put it made our relationship sound so beautiful. Two people, both of which have been through agony, help each other start over again. A new outlook in life, staying positive in a world that seems so negative. Finding each other in the wreckage, turning on the light, opening a door. Letting the other into a new life, better than their old one, yet still fighting their old one. So they can completely let go. 

It may get complicated at moments, but it was worth it. I just wanted to get better. I just wanted James to get better.

"Do you want to see him?" Kevin questioned as I looked back up towards him, rubbing my eyes.

"More than anything." I whispered, discovering how much I truly missed him. All of those hours away from him, just wondering what he's doing. How he's doing. Is he playing video games? Watching tv? Recording? Eating? Napping? Whatever he was doing, it didn't matter. All I knew was I wanted to be there with him, doing whatever with him.

Wherever there is you, I will be there, too.

"Go see him, go home." Kevin instructed me, a smile on his face growing larger by the second. His smile seemed as warm as James'...how much I wanted to see his smile...to make him smile...

"A-Are you sure?" I asked, a bit uneasy of just leaving Kevin alone. Today was a day to focus back on my work and friendships, I didn't just want to ditch that just to tend to my yearns.

"Yes! Go!" Kevin urged, laughing slightly. "I'll find someway to fuck around with Jordan in the meantime." I couldn't help, but chuckle. "Go see him, I know you miss him." Kevin stated, reading my mind.

I slid across the couch, placing my arms around him as I gave him a hug. He patted my back, lightly giggling as he hugged me in return. "Thank you for today, Kevin. I think I'll be okay come tomorrow. Today really helped." It had, now I knew James wasn't perfect, and he didn't try to be.

That was what made him perfect to me.

"Of course, Aleks. Glad you came today, I'm really happy I got to see you again. It's nice we got to talk." I heard his low voice in my ear. We let go soon after, me heading for the door. "See ya, Aleks."

"Bye, Kevin."

Hello, James.  
* * * * * * * * * * 

Over the time we've been together, I've learned a lot more about James. And I'm glad to say I have. I know I'm not alone, there's someone out there who cares about me. There's someone out there that can help the pain, stop the suffering, heal the hurting. In both myself and in himself.

I learned about his hardship, his struggles with love and life. His downfall, his dark path, his moment in hell. But, I've also learned how to recover like he has. Not to hide the pain, like I have. To cure it. To rid myself of it. To end it. 

 

I've learned about fear, inside and out. What can cause it, material or man. Or monster. I've lived with the strings that come attached. I've dealt with the nightmares. I've coped with the nervousness. I've become familiar with the crying, the hurting, the memories, the head aches, the stomach aches. They're just neighbors, waving hello. 

But, I've found scissors to slice those strings, one by one. I've found myself in someone's arms almost every morning. I've listened to such warm words, some of which I had repeated to myself to remain calm. I have a heartbeat to listen to instead of the screams, I have eyes to look into rather than the blackness of that room on that night, I have soft lips to warm my skin when the bitterness is too much. 

Not all blades are bad...

Now, I've heard more about James and all this time he's been alone. Ever since his heartbreak, he's dealt with everything that comes along with it. The loneliness, the sight of an empty bed when waking up, the remembered words and scenes, the feelings of no love, no warmth, no comfort.

No one to take the time to notice you and make you matter.

But, I was that person. I saw James for who he truly is, and I took a second glance. 

Though the day was nearing an end, I still had time. I was going to show James that he mattered to me, that his heart ache and stress could go away. That his lonely passenger could find a place to stay with a person who cares. I care. I care about James, and tonight, I wanted to show him. 

I wanted to show him how much.

But, I was stopped, delayed. Distracted. My mind became unfocused when I opened our apartment door and stared into the room. The lights were dimmed, not much brightness except for a light glow from the living room. I turned my head, following the light, seeing two tall candles placed on the coffee table. I walked closer to it to see the table was made for a meal. Two opalescent wine glasses, two covered plates, two utensils placed at each and were mannerly laid on napkins.

Cloth napkins.

I stared at the table in awe and slight shock. James did this, he set this up...for me...he went through all of this...

...for me...

I turned around at the sound of footsteps entering the room. James met his gaze with me and smiled shyly. "Hey." He greeted casually, making his way into the kitchen and pulling a bottle of wine out from under the counter.

"What's all this?" I questioned, my smile never fading. I looked at James and teared up, I've never felt this important before. I've never had anyone cook for me, and then to go the extra mile for this decor?

Absolutely breathtaking.

"I just figured you needed to relax after everything that's been going on. Thought I'd do something nice." James explained, walking back around the counter and towards me. "With the trial tomorrow, I just wanted to get away from that. Get away from court sessions, and Nate, and Dante." He studied me as he smiled. "I just wanted it to be me and you. Nothing else."

I bit my trembling lip as I looked away, wiping away exposed tears. "Holy shit." I mumbled to myself, letting my smile show. No point in hiding it, James had already seen it. And this moment was worth smiling about.

"Come on, let's sit down." James told me, gesturing his head towards the living room as I followed. "I was thinking about setting up at the kitchen table," James started, sitting down on one of the pillows as a chair at the far side of the table, "but I know how much you love your coffee table." He joked, I snickered as I sat down on the other pillow opposite from him.

So much detail. He paid attention to the small stuff, the things others wouldn't bother about or even care to notice. This just showed that I was cared for, he went through all of this work to calm me. All of this for me. A five foot seven, twenty-two year old who thought that he didn't matter, because of a sequence of hapless events to make my life that much harder to live in. To deal with. To stand...

I wasn't the most popular kid in school. I wasn't the most successful. I wasn't the most attractive. Or accepted when I came out as gay. I was put down a lot, avoided, teased. I thought when I got older, things would get better, and I thought they did when I met Nate. That one night at the bar really changed my life...obviously not for the better.

Our two month anniversary would have been on the twentieth...

I thought Nate would accept me. I thought Nate would take the time to commit. I thought Nate would love me for who I was, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. He scared me, he hurt me, and made me more insecure than I already was. After that night, I was planning on getting used to sleeping on the couch. Used to the pain from fighting fear alone. Used to the sobbing at night, used to the nightmares, oh so familiar with the idea of him coming back...

Three nights after, when there was a knock at the door, I felt my heart burn out. I thought it was Nate, his demon ready to hurt me again. But, when I saw that it was James...something in me relaxed and it told me to do the same. 

James was the reason I was as successful as I am today with my career. He liked me for who I was, he called me his best friend, he enjoyed spending time with me. He was proud of me when I came out. He was the care I had needed all this time, he was my shoulder to lean on, he was my protection from harm.

And he loves me. Much more than anyone ever could. And I think I feel the same...

"I made steak." James informed me, lifting the cover of my plate to unveil the most delicious steak I had ever seen. He had even sliced it up and had it placed to the side, a small salad as a side dish. The steak was medium-well, just how I liked it... "You said it was your favorite, so I just figured..." He shrugged his shoulder, picking up my wine glass and filling it a quarter of the way.

"This is amazing, James..." My voice trailed off as I admired the layout again. "It's so sweet of you...thank you..." I felt the tears rush to my eyes again.

Beauty, in its natural form, can bring a tear to the eye. 

He smiled timidly once seeing the tears in my eyes, a blush creeping onto his face. "Anything for you, Aleks." He whispered, the light from the candles dancing, making the room flicker with orange. "So, how was your day with Kevin?" He questioned, taking a sip of his wine. "He put the moves on you?" He laughed with his tease.

"Oh, fuck you." I answered, taking a bite of my steak.

James didn't know I could sing. I didn't know he could cook.

"But, really, how was today?" James earnestly asked, that tiny smile of his melting my heart.

I nodded my head as I swallowed. "Today was really fun. Kevin and I played some random games on Steam, recorded for the first time in a long time, fucked around with Jordan for a little while." James laughed at that. "Kevin spit in one of his beers."

James shook his head as he chuckled to himself, his smile growing a bit wider. "I'm glad you went today." James admitted while taking another bite of his food. "I just wanted you to have fun, you always seem to do when you're there." I tried to hide my smile by taking a sip of wine.

"Kevin and I also got to talk today, it felt nice doing that again. I missed everyone. I miss the way it was before..." I shook my head, James agreeing with me and not continuing on.

"What did you guys talk about?" James wondered, I was a bit flustered with the answer. I appreciated the change of the subject, but the response would only bring us back to seriousness. And the point of tonight was to ignore that.

"Just what everyone's been up to, what's been going on around the office, upcoming videos on the hub." I explained, remembering our conversation and laughs. I sighed, swallowing the lump in my throat rather than my food. "And...you..."

James looked up, I couldn't tell what he was feeling. In all honesty, that was a little unsettling. "What did you guys say?" He questioned, he didn't sound outraged or worried. But, that might have been how he felt on the inside...

"I don't want you to get mad at him, but Kevin told me about the fight with Dante after your anniversary." I spilled, I couldn't keep this from James. No matter what it was about, how either of us felt, or what the outcome would be, I couldn't lie to him. 

I knew something about him, and I didn't want this uncomfortable affliction residing in my stomach. I had to tell him that I knew, or else I'd feel guilty. And I was already feeling too much of that along with stress, frustration, exasperation, and strain.

James let go of a weak breath, looking down at his plate as he shook his head vaguely. "Well, I can't get too mad at him." James stated, I felt relieved by his words. "I did tell everyone about the time he got food poisoning and shit himself at work." James snickered at that, I almost choked on my wine as I laughed with him. 

"Not only us, but everyone watching that stream!" I reminded, making James laugh harder. 

He sighed, smiling as he shook his head. "It's okay that Kevin told you, and I'm sorry that I didn't." He returned to a sedated manner. "I guess I'm not completely comfortable yet with sharing what's on the inside." James picked up his fork and began toying with his salad.

"That's okay." I told him, watching his ebony eyes look into mine. "You don't have to pressure yourself or anything, it's okay that you're not ready." I told him, placing down my fork. "I know the feeling, you want the other to know what you're feeling, but you can't bring yourself to do it. I get that, I'm dealing with the same situation. And, it's okay. 

"You don't have to put yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable. I'll understand if you're not ready to share something, or tell me something. You don't want to be hurt again, and I get that completely." His eyes became glossy. "You're being compassionate with me, and all I want to do is return the favor."

His crooked smile broke through again, his eyes studying me up and down. "You are one big asshole, and I love you." James mumbled, resting an arm on the table. He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand as he picked up his wine glass. "A toast," He began as I lifted my own glass. He paused, trying to think of the right words. What he said fit well, right into my heart.

"To whatever happens tomorrow. It won't matter whether we win, or lose. All that does is waking up and seeing your face, and going to bed right next to you."

Clink.

"That was a little bit more than a toast." I murmured after drinking the rest of my wine. 

"Eh...fuck you. You don't appreciate true sentiment!" James snickered as he swallowed another piece of steak. I couldn't stop from laughing, too.

The rest of the night was lovely.

The night wore on with random chit-chat, jokes, and flirting. I wouldn't want to spend it any other way, nor could I imagine how else I could spend it. Dinner was amazing, the scenery was amazing, James was amazing. Everything he did for me made my heart feel whole again. 

Over time, everything James had supplied me or made me feel piled up. It put me on top of the world, and if I were to fall, that pile would be what I would fall onto. It was soft like a cloud, like silk, like James' voice and touch. It consumed me, making me grin ear to ear. Making me feel my confidence return, it beginning to dominate the fear. Making me know that there was a heart out there that beat for me. A heart to love me, a heart that I could listen to, a heart to come back to.

A heart to come home to. And with that heart came eyes, a smile, a laugh, a voice, warm arms...

Fuck cloud nine. Home was better.

James was better.

I stood up from the floor, my plate and glass in hand and was about to head into the kitchen before James prevented me. "No, no, no, I got it, Aleks." He stood up after me and placed my plate on top of his, holding my wine glass in between two fingers like he had his own. 

"You asshole, you're gonna drop something!" I told him, trying to grab my glass back. He backed away, laughing as he told me to stop.

"I'm gonna drop something if you keep messing with me!" He returned, walking into the kitchen carefully. He placed the dishes into the sink, giggling proudly as he did. "See you asshole? It's fine!" 

"Last time you said that, your coffee table broke!" I joked, walking up behind him after blowing out the candles. The areas around us were only lit slightly, darkness almost engulfing us except for a dim yellow. He turned around and chuckled, nearing me as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

I draped my arms around his neck, the both of us smiling in the lack of light. "Thank you for dinner." I thanked, my voice quiet. "This is really what I needed, just you and me. Thank you."

"Of course, Aleks." James responded, humming approvingly. "This was better than I expected. It really helped me, too." He confessed, looking down at his chest shyly before meeting me again. "I love you." He mumbled.

I smiled broadly, him doing the same. But, then it changed. His smile slowly receded as his face gradually came closer to mine. I took a quick breath, this was it. Our first kiss, time seemed to go by so leisurely. Our faces inches apart, our lips even closer as he came nearer and nearer. I felt my heart pound loudly, I had never been so nervous. Nervous, but ready.

He deserved this kiss.

But, he stopped. James stopped. He opened his eyes fully from being partially lidded. He looked into my eyes and withdrew a sharp breath, backing his head away as he let the breath out. He looked down again, presumably embarrassed. Perhaps ashamed. He realized what he was doing and remembered. Remembered that I wasn't ready for something like that. That I was uncomfortable, that I was uneasy.

It made my heart sting, regret pouring into it. James hadn't had a true kiss in god knows how long. He hasn't felt that love, that need, that devotion. Something else started to take over me, triumphing the regret. I had felt it before, but ignored it. Now, it was too hard to be left unnoticed.

Passion.

James needed some passion to go his way, and that was all I was feeling. He just wanted some love, some sort of commitment. An act of affection was what he longed for and it was about time that he got it.

He deserved this kiss.

I cupped the side of his face and aimed his head back up, my pointer finger just below his earlobe. He stared at me with bewildered eyes, unsure of what I was doing. I didn't know either, but it felt right. 

And, in a second it felt even righter.

I leaned my face quickly towards his and met his lips with mine. I felt my body tense, but soon relax against his as he started to kiss back. The way his lips felt against mine was heart stopping. The way they moved with mine felt astounding. And how it felt once they collided...

...it felt like actual fireworks.

I pulled away slightly, slowly opening my eyes to see James doing the same. My hand still cupped his face as he smiled, I felt my own smile form, too. I had done it. I kissed James. Not on the cheek. Not on the forehead. On the lips. It felt great, not only to let that adoration out, but to know that recovery was winning. Not fear, not horror, not Nate.

Recovery was winning. And it would.

The next thing I knew was that I was kissing James again, this time more devotedly. I cupped the other side of his face to bring him deeper into the kiss, he brought his hands to the back of my neck to do the same. This kiss made up for all of the other times I was too afraid to do it. Whenever I backed down. Whenever James said that it was okay. 

Right now was better than okay.

Right now my lips were against James', sharing a perfect kiss. And that felt...

...good.  
* * * * * * * * * 

1:16 a.m.

I kept my eyes locked on my phone, not believing the time. But, it was. I couldn't sleep, it was too quiet to sleep. And the quietness only brought reminders of tomorrow. Today, I should say. Twelve hours from now, I would be sitting in that courtroom. Twelve hours from now until I saw Nate again. Twelve hours until the final say, innocent or guilty.

I didn't know what the answer would be.

And that's what kept me up. That's what made me cry. 

I hated crying, yet I couldn't help, but do it. It was the only thing that seemed to make pain and fear go away when James wasn't around. He was asleep, and I didn't want to wake him. He had done so much for me today, he deserved his sleep.

And I thought I did, too, but I suppose not.   
I couldn't keep my mind off of the court case. I tried distracting myself by thinking of other things. My day spent with Kevin, dinner afterwards with James, the fact that I kissed James. And the many moments after that of just my lips on his...

But, no matter how many times I either began to drift off or take my mind off of distressing events, today always came into view. The knots in my stomach returned. The pounding in my head, the tears in my eyes, the whimpers from my mouth. 

What's really winning anymore? Recovery or fear? I'll never know. 

I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home. I didn't want to get up today, put that suit on, drive to that courthouse, and wait. I didn't want to see the building, the lobby, the hallways, the courtroom. I didn't want to face the judge, the jury, the lawyers, or the defendant. Nate. 

That name shot a bullet at my heart.

I can just see him now, average height, dirty blonde hair in need of a cutting, pinkish-tan skin, five o'clock shadow just creeping onto his neck. His brawny hands. His evil smirk. Those dark eyes...

I felt myself tremble.

James moaned lightly from the other side of the bed, usually his presence was enough to keep me from breaking. But, tonight it wasn't working. I couldn't stop crying, no matter how bad I felt for waking James up. He inhaled sharply and turned on his side towards me, letting a short breath out. I tried to quiet down, but a wave of sobbing came at the same time, and I couldn't control myself.

"Aleks?" James mumbled, his voice groggy. He propped himself up onto his elbow as he cleared his throat. "Aleks, what's wrong?" He asked, placing a hand on my chest lightly.

I sniffled before answering. "It's the trial." I weakly murmured, trying hard to remain stable. "I'm so scared, James. I can't sleep, I'm so scared..." That was all I could say before the sobs returned. I heard James sigh sympathetically as he lowered himself back onto the bed, his hand removing itself from my chest. I would've given anything for it to return, but it soon found the side of my face and aimed it towards his.

"Aleks, I want you to listen, okay?" His voice was very calm and concerned. I swallowed back a whimper as I nodded my head. "I'm going to be honest with you," James paused, "I don't know what's going to happen in that courtroom. I'd rather tell you that than lie to you and say that we're going to win. Because I don't know that, and I understand that that's unsettling and scary." As much as it terrified me, I was pleased with his honesty.

"But, I promise you, Aleks, that no matter what happens there...I will always be here for you. If we win, that's terrific. I'll be so happy, I'll be proud of you." I heard him become slightly choked up. "But...if something happens...I won't give up on you. I'll be here with you no matter what, and I will never leave you.

"And you know what?" He stopped, looking right into my eyes, the moonlight making his shimmer in a way I have never seen before. They were like a pond on a warm spring day, shining in the beautiful sun. "Even if we don't come out on top, I'll be even prouder than if we do. Because even though we didn't win, you fought your hardest. You faced your fears and gave this all you had. And that really shows how brave you are.

"It doesn't matter if we win or lose. Just remember, I will always be here. And you will never be alone again." He kissed my forehead as he wiped away a few of my tears with his thumb on my cheek. "I love you..." His voice trailed off as he pulled away, his eyes scanning mine again.

"Thank you..." I muttered back, seeing him smile in the darkness. "Thank you for everything..." I placed a kiss on his cheek before wiping a few more tears away. I felt James' eyes studying me for a minute before removing the blankets from on top of him, then himself from the bed. "W-Where are you going?" I asked, reaching my hand out for him.

"I'm right here, I'm right here." James told me, lightly squeezing my hand before letting go. "Don't worry, I'm just opening the window." He let me know, making his way towards it. "Usually when I can't fall asleep," He whispered as he opened the window   
partially, "fresh air always helps."

He turned around and walked back to the bed, stopping once he stood in front of his side. "Here, you can sleep on my side tonight so you can feel it." James informed me, referring to the zephyr. He nodded his head, telling me that it was alright.

I slowly moved over to his side of the bed, still warm from his slumber. I rested my head against the pillow, smiling at the scent of James lingering on it. I nuzzled again it as James placed the blankets back on top of me, them meeting my shoulder as I looked up at him in the blackness. The only light was from the moon and the millions of stars shining in the sky.

His look fell down to me, our eyes just staring for a second before James slowly kneeled down onto the floor. He slid over towards me and cupped my cheek, bringing   
his head closer to mine as we kissed.

A kiss goodnight. Something short and sweet.

He pulled away and smiled, mumbling another statement about his love for me. I smiled in return as he walked over to my side of the bed and laid down, hugging me around the waist during the process. I aimed my head up, feeling the small wind cool my face. I closed my eyes, the wind blowing my hair slightly as I felt fatigue begin to set in.

"The breeze feels nice..." I tiredly murmured as I smiled, hearing James giggle kindly after I spoke.

"That's good." He whispered in return, snuggling closer to me. "Don't you worry about today. I have you...and you have me...

"...goodnight, sweetheart..."

"Goodnight, baby..."


	14. Chapter 14: We The Jury Find The Defendant...

(James' POV)  
Time goes by quickly. Too quickly.

Those four day are gone, spent, part of the past. Every hour, minute, second just disappeared before my very eyes. But, they weren't wasted. Those were the best four days of my life. Mainly because I spent each and every one of them with Aleks. So much I would do to get them back...to live them again...

But, I couldn't. Those days were done and today was today. Sunday. The 26th. Of July. The final court trial. As much as I didn't want to admit, I was just as scared as Aleks. The advice I told him I was also taking myself. Take your mind off of it. Relax. Don't worry. 

I'm glad to see it's helping him...

He's recovered so much, it's amazing to see his progress. Before, he was too scared to confide in me, now he was sharing all of his secrets with me. He was too afraid to sleep at all, now he's sleeping in the same bed as me. He was terrified of relationships and love, now he's learning again. Before it was out of the question, but now Aleks was actually considering sex. We even shared our first kiss last night. Aleks is the one who kissed me, he put fear aside, and kissed me.

And he was terrified of Nate, but now he could face him. 

Could I?

By the shaking in my hands, I already knew the answer. If anything, over time, I was more afraid of Nate. I barely knew him, but I could tell I feared him more than I feared Dante. Mainly because Dante wasn't a threat to the love of my life. Merely just an obstacle, not the true enemy.

The true enemy drove terror right into my heart just by a look. 

I let go of a deep breath, trying to remain focused on getting ready for today. I stood up from the bed from where I sat with my head in my hands, dreading today. I told Aleks it wouldn't matter whether we won or if we lost. It doesn't matter, but why does it feel like it does? Because winning does matter, it would be nice to find a light at the end of this tunnel, the thing both of us deserved at the end of our trail. 

And I refused to lose to Nate. Just the thought made my stomach churn...

I let out a sigh, trying to keep myself controlled. I picked up my tie from the bed and placed it around the back of my neck, but not moving from there. I stood still with both ends of the maroon cloth in either hand. I let out a whimpered breath, removing the tie completely. 

I didn't want to tie it. If I did, then the next steps would align perfectly, leading up to us entering that courthouse. Placing on that suit jacket, checking up with Aleks, waiting for Jordan to pick us up, the painfully long car ride...

All because I tied a tie.

I didn't want to tie it.

And with the trembling in my hands, I didn't think I could even do it.

Funny...it's like Aleks and I switched   
roles...speak of the devil...

"You doing okay, James?" I heard Aleks ask as I turned around to see him. See...he can a tie a tie...his hands aren't shaking...his anxiety isn't high...that high...

"Not really." I admitted, feeling good to let someone know the truth about me. I didn't have to cover up, I didn't have to hide. It felt   
nice letting someone know...

"Need help with your tie?" He questioned,   
taking a few steps nearer as I nodded my head. He gradually took the article from my hand and draped it in the same place I once had it. His hands were stable as he moved it, around, around, over, through, then pulled it up.

I was glad to see that he was okay.

His eyes met mine as I shyly thanked him, his smile making the room glow brighter. Making my heart glow brighter. He didn't back away, though. He removed his hands from my tie and placed them on either side of my chest, I could feel my heart pace quicken.

"Are you worried about today?" Aleks concernedly wondered, I could see the care in his eyes. 

I nodded my head again. "I know I shouldn't be, but I am. And I can't stop the fear because it's already there." I confessed, though upset, I was proud. Proud of myself. My brick walls were gone.

Here comes the big, bad wolf... 

I felt Aleks' soft hands reach up and hold the sides of my face. "It's gonna be okay, James. You don't have to be scared, like you said: I have you. And you have me. Today isn't going a walk in the park, that's for sure. But, we can fight this. And when it's all over...I'm just going to lay right next to you."

He placed a small kiss on my lips, I couldn't help, but smile into it. Aleks was the only thing that could make me smile no matter what. If I was crying, he could make the tears go away. If I was angry, he knew how to calm me. If I was scared, he fought the fright for me. And in the end of each, a smile from me would be the first thing he'd notice.

He pulled away and looked at me, more of that hidden silver in his eyes showing through. He picked up my suit jacket from the foot of the bed and handed it to me, helping me put it on and button the front. 

"Everything's okay." Aleks mumbled, a half smile present on his cute face as his eyebrows raised innocently. I smiled back just as I heard a knock at the door. Aleks tilted his head back to me after turning towards the noise, Jordan was here to pick us up. "You ready?" Aleks questioned, his words making him sound as brave as ever.

"I am." I informed him, nodding my head. He smiled as we both made our way to the front door and headed to the car with Jordan. Before leaving the building, Aleks whispered something in my ear that made my confidence rise a bit more.

"Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are beautiful?"  
* * * * * * * * * *

We pulled up beside the building, and the first thing I saw were reporters. For once, Dante actually told the truth: our story was all over the news. And it was about to be reported again. Multiple news women and men surrounded the courthouse, the same amount of camera men, and news vans from various channels.

It was enough to make you faint. Which Aleks looked like he was about to do. 

I looked over at him and his face was pale, eyes showing worry as they were wide as ever, examining every news caster. His hand grabbed at mine and held it tightly, I could feel his shake. He bowed his head down as he looked away, closing his eyes to hold in tears.

"It's alright, Aleks." I whispered to him, gaining his attention. "Don't be nervous, we won't be dealing with them long. It's gonna be okay, I'll be there with you."

"Yeah, they're just bigger assholes than us with bigger cameras." Dan added, turning around in his seat to face us. I heard Aleks laugh at that, some color returning to his face.

"Or that." I nodded my head towards Dan as Aleks smiled while let out a short breath from his nose. I squeezed his hand for comfort, letting him know I was here. "Come on, let's face this. One last time." 

He lifted his head and grinned at me. "Yeah, we can do this." He agreed, his voice sounding hopeful. He then placed a quick kiss on my lips that was just a bit more. He opened the car door and stepped out, me staying in my seat for a moment, admiring how beautiful Aleks looked. 

I heard a quiet 'aw' come from the front of the car, looking up at the rear view mirror to see that it came from Jordan. He met his blue eyes with mine, I could tell he was smiling by seeing the tops of his cheeks raised. I smiled myself as I followed Aleks out of the car, the afternoon sun feeling nice on my skin.

I took a deep breath, Jordan, Dan, and Spencer making their way out of Jordan's car as Seamus' pulled up beside his. Kevin took a gasp of air as he opened the door, thanking god for the fresh air. Before anyone had a chance to ask, Kevin explained. "Dex farted, he had Taco Bell before he came here." Dex laughed as he walked out of the car, tugging on his blazer. 

"You said we should stop there to eat real quick!" Dex defended as he walked around the car and towards the rest of us.

"I said to stop at Steak and Shake!" Kevin reminded, leaning himself against the car as he took another deep breath.

"Oh, yeah, Joe wanted Taco Bell." Dex snickered again, I heard Aleks laugh as well. "Well, now my pants are going to smell like poo." 

"Yeah, so is my car!" Seamus commented, slamming the door shut. "Why the hell did you want to go to Taco Bell, Joe?" Seamus asked, cleaning his glasses. 

"Because it wasn't Steak and Shake." Joe replied with a smile.

Our group can never have normal meetings.

"Anyway, Aleks, James, how are you?" Seamus asked, placing his glasses back on. 

"Pretty good." Aleks answered, his smile big and broad. "Things have been looking up." I looked over at him and smiled shyly, watching how he was turning back into his old self. A bit of fear remained, but I couldn't even see it anymore.

Maybe it was the sun...

"That's good, glad you two are well." Dex commented, combing his fingers through his hair.

"But you're not, shit pants." Aleks teased, causing everyone to laugh.

"I might have actually shit, I don't even know. You have every right to call me that." Dex chuckled as he rested a hand on Jordan's car.

"Well, everyone ready?" Jordan clarified, his eyes scanning everyone and smiling again once he got to me. "Alright, let's go."

As soon as I stepped up onto the   
pavement, the reporters ran wild.

"Fuck me." I heard Aleks mumble under his breath as he looked down at the sidewalk.

"No, I think they just want to ask you questions." I joked, earning a laugh from Aleks as we met the steps of the courthouse. And the cameras, microphones, and inquiries from the newscasters. Just as predicted, here came the questions, all at once.

"Mr. Marchant, whose side of the story is true?" I heard one woman ask.

"Who has a better shot at winning?" A tall male with black hair wondered.

"Mr. Wilson, is it true that you and Mr. Marchant are more than friends?" A second woman questioned, her blouse a bright pink.

Where the fuck did that come from?

"Is Mr. Dagen lying to the court?"

"Is his lawyer backing his lies up?"

"How long ago did you hit Mr. Dagen, Mr. Wilson?"

"Was there anything more that happened that night, Mr. Marchant?"

"What will you do if you win this?"

"What if you lose?"

"All of your questions," I began as we reached the building's door, "will have to wait. We have a court meeting to attend, thank you very much." I turned around and entered the building, Aleks giggling at my sassiness to the reporters. 

We talked with the same receptionist and walked down the same hallway. We passed the same doors and met the same one as last time, five doors down on the right. We all stood in front of it like before, waiting for   
someone to be brave enough to open it.

I looked over at Aleks who gave me the same stare with a smile as I felt his hand hold mine. "Let's do this." I mumbled to him as he nodded, walking up to the door. I placed my free hand on one door, Aleks doing the same with the other. 

With one swift push, it opened the door to fait.  
* * * * * * 

"All rise," The bailiff announced as he stood in front of the judge's podium, "the honorable Judge Sylvia Knight residing."

Here we go.

"This is the trial on behalf of an alleged involvement between Aleksandr V. Marchant and Nathan L. Dagen." Sylvia wore a much more serious attitude towards the case. "We will begin by refreshing the case, followed by evidence from both parties, the testimonies of Aleksandr V. Marchant, Nathan L. Dagen, and James R. Wilson. We will then let the jury reach a verdict, finding the defendant either innocent or guilty. If guilty, a punishment will also be involved."

I let out a quiet breath, nervous about the entire case. Each part was more nerve racking then the last, all of which making my worry increase. Aleks must have noticed my anxiety as he placed his hand on mine. I looked up at him, seeing him smile sadly. I saw his sympathy alongside his doubt. But, he was ignoring his terrors for me. He wanted me to be okay, I came first.

I would be. With him, I would be.

"Mr. Gibson, would you like to give your opening statement?" Sylvia instructed with a question at the Australian man stood from his seat. I tensed in my own.

He cleared his throat. "Ladies, gentlemen, members of the jury." He began, walking around the courtroom. "My name is Jared Douglas Gibson. I'm thirty six, and a lawyer. But, I am nothing more than all of you, a witness to this trial. And my name and status aren't the ones you should concern yourselves over. The ones you should are of the man named Nathan Liam Dagen, twenty four, and charged with alleged rape."

I cringed at that word. The way he said it so carelessly...

"I only say 'alleged' because people are innocent until proven guilty. And let me tell you, Mr. Dagen is not guilty." I nearly screamed at that, but I needed to keep myself together. Because it wasn't just myself that was threatening to break, Aleks wouldn't be able to stop himself from doing   
the same if I were to.

I've already see him on edge before...I don't want to push him...

"The only thing he is guilty of is a misunderstanding with Mr. Aleksandr Marchant. All because of a single drunken evening for Mr. Dagen did this come about, a drunken evening Mr. Marchant is using to his advantage. To play a fool of an intoxicated mind to get what he wants: an innocent man behind bars." My hand balled into a fist, trembling with frustration. 

"Just the sound of that is sickening." Jared continued on, taking a few steps back from the jury. "I wouldn't want that, you wouldn't want that. Today," He summed up, "I defend Nathan Liam Dagen, twenty four, and innocent." He put emphasis on the last two words, trying to make his point. Trying to forge his lies for an even bigger liar.

I looked over at Nate on the other side of the courtroom, his eyes darting over to me. The darkness of his eyes couldn't compare to how dark his soul was. How it almost made Aleks' light go out...almost made my light go out...

Jared returned to his seat as Sharon stood up, greeting the jury herself, her high heeled shoes tapping against the buffed floor. "Mr. Gibson says what he claims are facts, that Mr. Dagen is innocent, and it's Mr. Marchant that should be paying the price." She paused, I could see Aleks shake a little in his chair. "Bur based on what? What evidence thus far? Again, people are innocent until proven guilty, yet he is claiming that Mr. Dagen is ultimately innocent with or without evidence. I am not here today to hear half minded assumptions or to make any of my own.

"I am here to simply bring out and prove the facts of this case." I wanted to smile, Sharon was on a roll. "Is it my job to defend my client no matter the circumstances? Yes. I go by what I believe is right, simply a possibility. Not a fact. It is not a fact that Mr. Dagen is innocent, nor is it a fact that Mr. Marchant is. Because we've only just begun.

"I, Sharon Hoffman, am here today to tell you Mr. Marchant's side of the story. Not to persuade you, or overrule you. Just to help you see what is only a possibility," She glanced at Nate, "and what is fact." Her eyes met Aleks' and mine, her emerald ones showing trust in the two of us. "And to start this trial off, we have evidence to support Mr. Marchant in order to prove thus facts."

She turned her head slightly as she aimed it towards a television on the right side of the room. A photo from the forensics team was displayed on the screen, one from Aleks' old bedroom. From Aleks' old bed from when... It was exactly how I remembered it. Pillows thrown, blankets scattered, sheets...stained... 

I turned my head over to Aleks, seeing him look directly at the judge in confidence. But, on the inside he was breaking apart, and it was starting to show through. Aleks began rubbing his wrist, knowing what happened there. Never being able to forget what happened there. I heard Aleks take a quick breath before looking away, the sight too hard for him on the tv to see. 

"This photo was taken exactly one week after the event that happened to Mr. Marchant." Sharon walked up to the television as she began to explain. "The only blood found at the scene, though, was of my client's. None of Mr. Dagen's to prove that he was ever there in the bedroom. But, as you can clearly see, there are many signs of a struggle, indicating that someone was there, and this did happened to Mr. Marchant.

"And, there is some more evidence that can be questionable and is open for debate." The television now displayed a video, the date and time located in the bottom left hand corner. Aleks lifted his head back up and looked for himself, also wondering what this new evidence could have been.

"This footage is from a security camera located just outside of Mr. Marchant's apartment. The time is 7:13, and you can clearly see Mr. Dagen leaving the apartment complex." She followed a figure leaving the building with her finger. She then sped up the film and paused to continue her simplification. "Here, at 9:02, Mr. Dagen returns to the complex as both parties state. Yet, here's the part I don't understand.

"Mr. Dagen claims to have gotten into a scuffle with Mr. Marchant and left thereafter. That being said, he should have left around about five to ten minutes after arriving. But, the footage shows," She paused as she leapt time again, "Mr. Dagen leaving the building an hour after coming back, exiting at 10:07. Either more details need to be firmed out, or something else happened that night that Mr. Dagen isn't letting on."

"Thank you, Ms. Hoffman." Sylvia thanked as an indication for Sharon to take her seat. Sharon dipped her head before sitting next to Aleks again.

"Good job." Aleks whispered to Sharon who returned with a smile.

"Mr. Gibson, would you?" Sylvia instructed as Jared stood before the court. His black hair and blue eyes were a rare combination, his tie bringing his eyes out a bit more.

"As my client stated before in the pre-trial," His Australian accent stood out most of all about him, "he stayed at the bar around an hour. In reality, he was there closer to two hours, an hour and forty nine minutes to be exact. See, when intoxicated, people tend to forget the aspect of time. How long something is, how short, et cetera. Mr. Dagen remembers being at Mr. Marchant's," I hated the way he said his name, "home for a few minutes, when really he may have been there half an hour, forty minutes, an hour. Time is one of the many things people lost track of when under the influence.

"With that, Mr. Dagen may have been arguing with Mr. Marchant for around about forty five to fifty minutes, before the punches were thrown." Jared summed up. Sharon was right, he was very skilled. But, I couldn't just give up so early, Aleks and I were in this to fight, and that was exactly what were going to do.

Jared took his seat again as I saw Nate grimacing with a dirty smile as he met my eyes again. He thought he would win, but he didn't know that if he made us fall, I would drag him down with me. Him and his other five souls.

Sylvia was quiet a moment as she took notes of the events and information given from both Sharon and Jared. The jury also discussed some tidbits among themselves, what they were speaking about, I would only find out a in a few hours from now.

"You doing okay so far?" I mumbled to Aleks as his hand froze from kneading his wrist. His gorgeous orbs lifted to meet mine, looking both beautiful and scared.

"I'm alright, I'm just a little nervous, that's all. I'll be okay." He reassured me, showing me a smile afterwards. Aleks was brave, although he was frightened of the outcome of this hearing, he was determined to see what it would be. He was my inspiration to do the same.

"Alright, Mr. Dagen, would you like to take the stand?" The judge questioned, her bronze eyes lifting up again. Nate nodded his head as he walked up to the stand and sat in the chair behind it, the bailiff stating his lines to Nate about telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing, but the truth. Nate accepted.

What happened to the truth?

"So, Mr. Dagen," Jared began, standing back up from behind his table, "from your point of view, please tell us the events from the evening of Tuesday the seventh." He directed, stepping up to the podium.

"On Tuesday the seventh, Aleks and I got involved in another argument between the two of us." Nate began, sounding as innocent as ever. But, he wasn't. The only thing him and innocence shared was that he stole it from Aleks. 

That monster...

"And you said that the two of you fought often?" Jared wondered as Nate clarified with a yes. "What were these arguments usually about?" 

"Most of the time, Aleks would start them about me not committing to our relationship as much as I should've been." Nate answered, pushing back a few pieces of dirty blonde hair. "That was what the fight that night was about, too."

"Did he ever say how you didn't commit?" Jared continued to ask.

"He'd say that I didn't pay enough attention to him, that he has needs too, and that I wasn't that intimate." Nate went down the list as I looked over at Aleks again. Based on Aleks' expression, Nate was telling the truth. But, Nate was bending the truth like he always did, and I'm guessing that Nate never made Aleks feel loved. He never gave him the attention he needed, nor met to his needs. And when Aleks tried to bring it up, Nate would always make him back down.

And that one night he was forced back down.

I have never felt so much sympathy for one person in my entire life.

"Did you try to be intimate with him and commit?" His lawyer investigated as Sylvia jotted down more notes while listening in.

"I tried to, but we kept getting into more arguments about it, so I just stopped." I looked at Aleks again.

Nate was lying.

"Why?"

"What's the point of doing something that doesn't get you anywhere?" 

Like lying on stand...

"Alright, please go on." 

Nate cleared his throat before continuing. "We were arguing for a little bit, but I had had enough. I was tired of the fighting, I needed to get out of there, so I went to the bar."

"Why did you go there?"

"I wasn't thinking straight, and alcohol seemed to be the answer." Nate nervously chuckled. "But, obviously," He looked around the courtroom, then to Aleks and I, "it wasn't." He focused back onto Jared.

"You then went onto returning to Aleks' apartment roughly two hours later to apologize?" Jared summed up as Nate corrected him. 

"I thought I was only there for a few minutes...turns out I was there for an hour." He let out a light laugh. "But, from what I remember from being there, Aleks and I began fighting yet again and he started punching me. So I hit him in self-defense, found my way to the door, and said that our relationship was over." Nate concluded,   
letting out a short, quiet breath.

"And you didn't hear from him since then?" Jared questioned, leaning himself back against the table where Nate and himself were originally seated.

"Not until I got a phone call saying he was bringing me into court." Nate explained, folding his hands in his lap. "Which was a week afterwards, that would've given him enough time to plan everything out..."

That was the loophole.

Jared turned to Sharon after nodding at Nate as a thank you. "Ms. Hoffman, you may now ask my client any questions you may own." He took his seat again in his leather chair, looking smug. The decency of some people...

"Mr. Dagen," Sharon started, her high voice lowering a bit with seriousness, "you said that you were at Mr. Marchant's apartment for an hour without your knowing. Can you try to recall any other events that may have taken place within that hour other than your departure?" Sharon wondered, brushing her strawberry hair back.

Aleks had to go through...that...for an hour...

...don't cry, James, not here, not now...

Nate shook his head as he bit the inside of his lip. "I can't recollect anything, sorry." He lied, he remembered damn well what he did and what happened. How long would this agony last...

...an hour...?

"Alright. You also mentioned that the arguments between yourself and Aleks were because of your claimed, quote unquote, 'lack of commitment to your relationship'. Can you explain why you didn't commit to begin with?" Sharon questioned, seeming very relaxed towards the court in general. Except I noticed her left foot slightly rubbing up against her right. 

A nervous habit. 

Nervous. Even Sharon was nervous.

"I had wanted to move our relationship at a pace we were both comfortable with, nothing too fast." I heard Aleks quietly inhale sharply, trying to remain calm. I knew how he felt: enraged. "He accepted, but I guess it didn't stay in his mind."

"If you weren't ready for commitment, why did the two of you begin a relationship?" 

"Because...I loved him, I could feel it...well, I did love him at one point..." Nate looked up at Aleks, anger mixed with sadness floating in his eyes. Aleks vaguely shook his head, both of us knowing that Nate never loved Aleks. Why he stayed with him for so long was unknown. Maybe it was just to make Aleks' life a living hell...

"So, it's safe to say there was little to no intimacy throughout your relationship?" Sharon summed up.

"Uh...I guess so." Nate's voice was hushed, trying to make pity for himself. To try and win over the judge, the jury, even Sharon. He was doing a pretty good job, I had to admit. Very believable. But, not to me. Not to Aleks. Certainly not to Sharon based on the way she eyed him.

"That'll be all, Mr. Dagen." Sharon told him, returning to her seat.

I couldn't stand his lying, it was making Aleks more pressured than before. He kept taking deep breaths, vigorously rubbing his wrist under the table, tapping his foot, looking out the window or just down, trying to keep eye contact with Nate whenever he glared. 

Aleks' shield was starting to give way. And it felt like I couldn't keep it together for   
much longer either.

"Don't believe a word he says, Sharon." I told her, her green eyes meeting mine.

"I don't plan to." She smiled back as a bit of   
stress dissipated within me.

At least someone was on our side...  
* * * * * * * * * 

Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes passed before I was asked to take the stand. Those fifteen minutes plunged us further into this case, time wise. We had been in this courtroom for over an hour and I was beginning to feel the lightheadedness set in.

I was horrified. Horrified to take that stand. Horrified to face Jared, to face Nate. Horrified at the thought that I could let Aleks down. That I could make him disappointed, hopeless, crestfallen. That I could make him cry...again...

My hands started to shake like earlier, except this time the trembling intensified. I let go of a weak breath as I bowed my head down, swallowing the lump in my throat. What would I be asked to say? To explain? To admit or confess? What would I be accused of? Judged upon? Held against? What questions would be asked? Would I be able to answer them? Or sink down to Nate's level and lie?

No.

I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do that to Aleks. I wouldn't lie, I would never lie to him. I did before and I hated myself so much. I made him feel horrible. I made myself feel horrible. I had to be strong, go with my gut, my mind, my heart. I've done it before, I could do it again.

Just think of Aleks...now do it for him...

"Mr. Wilson, would you please take the stand?" Sylvia questioned as I looked up and agreed quietly. I heard Aleks whisper 'be strong, James' as I stood up from my chair and made my way to the stand. Those words from Aleks were exactly what I needed. If he hadn't said them, I don't think I could've dealt with the many eyes on me. With the pressure entering the room. With sitting down in that chair and facing the court, fear running rampant in my mind.

All I had now was determination, courage, and love.

My love loved me. I could feel it.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing, but the truth, so help you God?" I heard the bailiff ask.

"I do." I agreed.

I would for Aleks.

"Mr. Wilson," Sharon rose from her seat as she began speaking, "would you care to explain how you ended up in this case?" Her green eyes made me feel a bit more secure. And when I looked over to Aleks briefly, his brown ones made me feel instantly safe.

He had my heart and he would never let it bruise.

"Aleks told me what happened to him three nights afterwards, and I've been taking care of him ever since." I answered, prepared for whatever questions were heading my way.

"When you say 'taking care of', what exactly do you mean?"

"I mean helping Aleks with his recovery. He went through a traumatic experience and all he needs right now is reassurance and comfort." 

And he's been supplying me with the same care...

"Can you name something you've done for him that would be helpful to his recovery?" Sharon wondered, her eyes reading that I was doing good so far.

I named the first thing off of the top of my head. "I let him live with me." I stated, feeling surprised stares come from the jury. "After what happened in his apartment, I knew that he wouldn't be able to live there anymore. So, I...I told Aleks that he could stay with me for as long as he needed. But, with time, Aleks was getting more stressed out, so I told him he could stay with me permanently." I told in detail, remembering that night. 

The day after was the best...nothing, but the best...

"You did say during the pre-trial that while at Aleks' apartment, Nate dropped by and the meeting wasn't very pretty. Could you run that over with us?" Sharon asked as I obeyed.

"It was...the sixteenth, I was at Aleks' apartment packing up the rest of his belongings." I began to explain before Sharon asked another question.

"What do you mean 'the rest of'?" 

"When Aleks told me about what happened, I needed to get him out of there as soon as possible." Flashbacks played in my mind from that night, remembering how afraid and paranoid Aleks once was. How hard he was crying, how alone he felt, how tightly he held onto me when I was holding him... "I packed up some of his stuff, his bare necessities when I was taking him over to my place for him to stay. When I said that he could live with me, I went back to pick up everything else."

"Okay, continue." 

"While I was packing up some his kitchen ware, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find Nate there, he asked if Aleks was home, he said he wanted to talk to him about this, the upcoming trial at the time." I remembered his snide and cocky personality.

"What did you do?" Sharon questioned.

"I started pinpointing him, I was angry at what he had done to Aleks. He was so scared and hurt and...he couldn't stop crying because of what Nate did. And I wasn't about to let Nate walk away free." All of my strength was used to push away the tears from my eyes.

"So, you punched him?" 

I let out a quiet breath as I nodded. "Yes, I-I did." 

"I object!" Nate shouted, standing up from his seat as I raised my head to look at him. "I never went back there! He's lying!"

"I am not!" I yelled back, feeling that anger rise up again. Keep it together, James...keep it together...

"Mr. Dagen, Mr. Wilson!" Sylvia shouted, trying to get our attentions again.

"I can't believe you're actually listening to   
this!" Nate yelled with nonbelief in his tone.

"Because it's the truth!"

"Like you would know!" 

"Mr. Dagen! If what Mr. Wilson states is true, then we'll be able to get more feed from that video camera and see you entering that building on the sixteenth!" Sharon argued back, a revolting look on her face.

"Well, it doesn't look like you can get it now, now does it?!?" 

"Order in the court!" Sylvia shouted, banging her gavel loudly. Silence filled the courtroom as I sat back in my seat, Nate doing the same. I looked over at Aleks who wore worried eyes, and I frowned at the sight of them. He mouthed 'it's okay' to me, before I closed my eyes and let out a calming breath. "Sharon, please, continue."

"Thank you." She thanked, nodding her head at the judge before returning to me. "So based on the information given, Mr. Dagen sexually abused Mr. Marchant, to which he told you three days after. Since then, you've been helping him with his recovery and allowing him to reside with you."

"Yes." I agreed. "Those bruises on Nate's face are from me, not Aleks, and I don't want anyone to think differently." I told her, feeling horrible for almost ruining Aleks' case. "Aleks didn't do that, he's too innocent."

"Thank you, James." Sharon thanked, but her kind words were only to be followed by Jared's ridicules. "Mr. Gibson, your client." She walked back to her seat, showing me a comforting smile as Jared came up in front of the stand.

"Mr. Wilson, I first must apologize for my client's behavior, I didn't mean for him to upset or disgruntle you in any means." He apologized as I accepted it. "Anyway, I have a few questions I hope you can answer. First," He began, "why did Mr. Marchant, out of all of your friends over there," he pointed to the other hub members seated behind Aleks, "why did he choose you?" 

I sighed, knowing my explanation would be somewhat long. "He told me because I practically begged him to tell me." Before Jared could ask me to go into detail, I started to. "The day after it happened, Aleks was scared to tell anyone, thinking that Nate was going to come back and hurt him again. He made up this story about accidentally getting hit by his car door to cover up the reason of the bruises. But...I saw this...pink mark on his wrist, and when I asked where he had gotten that from, he became nervous and didn't give me a direct answer.

"It finally got to me, and I needed to know the truth. I came to his apartment three night later and demanded that he tell me. I cared about him, and I just needed to know...I had no idea that it was so bad..." I whispered at the end, remembering Aleks tell me that night. It didn't seem real...

"And after he told you, you just took him to your house?" Jared intimidatingly questioned.

"Of course not. Before I started packing up his belongings, he had told me where it happened, but the reality didn't sink in until I saw the bed." I cringed at the memory. "When I saw that, I knew that I couldn't stay there any longer than he could."

"Why three days?" 

"Excuse me?" I wondered, needing him to explain.

"You said you waited three days until you asked him for the truth. Why wait three days when you saw through the charade the day after it happened? Or supposedly happened." Jared slipped up, even he was losing faith in Nate's story. But, now he would be on guard of what he said. Which only made him more powerful...stronger...smarter.

"I needed some time to make sure that my hypothesis was true and I wasn't just going off of a hunch. I also saw how nervous Aleks was, so I gave him some space." I explained, feeling Jared's sword begin to slice at my heart.

"But, if you saw he was nervous, why not just confront him then and there?" His condescendingness was start to show   
through.

"Did you not hear me? I needed to give him space, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable or pressured into anything or-" That Australian bastard cut me off.

"Yet, you said you demanded him to tell you."

"I don't know what you want from me..." I told him, feeling beyond threatened with his slew of unanswerable questions. All I was trying to do was protect Aleks...I forgot how hard that was...

"Jared." Sylvia warned, making him back off.

"Sorry." He apologized, but this time I didn't accept it. "I didn't mean to be so defensive." He didn't mean a lot of things. Jared took a deep breath, trying to tranquil himself. "Moving on, when you said you were helping Aleks recover, what else did you do other than start him over in a new home?"

"I...gave him confidence to call authorities to report what happened to him, I let him know that I would always help him, I found ways to get him to sleep, in return for him opening up to me, I opened up to him. And I didn't pressure him to do something or tell me something, I gave him time to do that on his own." I admitted, a bit uncomfortable sharing that with a room filled with mainly strangers.

"Is there anything that drove you to take care of him the way you did?" My palms started to get sweaty. "Possibly a certain feeling or desire?" 

"What are implying?" I nervously asked, already knowing the answer.

"I'm just wondering if there's something going on between you Mr. Marchant. Something behind the pain that, us as a court, need to know." Throughout his criticism, he was right. Everything needed to be addressed, no matter how personal or secret. "Is there?"

I looked over to Aleks quickly who appeared as worried as I, before meeting eyes with Jared again. "Yes." I confessed, my heart pounding loudly. "Throughout my time caring for him, Aleks and I had grown closer. I promised to be there for him and that I always would be and I didn't know what other to ensure that than a relationship." I paused, looking over to see Jordan smiling shyly. He had really helped, but I had no idea how much until now.

"He agreed to a relationship, knowing that it would be best. He knew with my help he would get better, and with my love, he did. I don't think he would've been as brave as he is now without this certain type of care I'm giving him." I turned my head over to him once again, seeing tears in his eyes. "And he's giving me."

Silence.

"You think you can win the court over with a stupid love story?" Nate wondered, narrowing his eyes at me.

"No. I don't." I answered, giving Nate the same stare. "Mr. Gibson asked me a question, and I responded, that's all this is." I fought back, fighting the tears even harder than before. "Besides, in your lies, there was no love."

"And what do you mean by that, Mr. Wilson?" Nate mockingly retorted, tilting his head.

"What I mean is that you never loved Aleks, and what you did to him does nothing, but prove it." I didn't regret a single word coming out of my mouth.

"I didn't do anything to him!" Nate yelled again, slamming his fists onto the table. "You can try and find a way to make me guilty, but you won't because I'm not!" 

If only he was Pinocchio...

"Mr. Dagen, please..." Sylvia tried to ease Nate.

"No! You're not taking his side again!" Nate shouted back.

"Nate, that's enough!" Jared screamed, his blue eyes turning from soft to sharp.

I felt my frustration build up again, there has to be someway to definitely prove Nate's culpability. If not, I was sure to lose. We were sure to lose. But, what other evidence is there...?

"He's making this story up! I didn't do any of the actions they're claiming I did to Aleks! He hit me first and I didn't rape him! Just look at him!" Nate pointed at Aleks who looked as panicked as ever. "He doesn't look as broken as James is saying!"

That's what you don't see, what you're refusing to see, I thought, but I'm going to make you see...

Ding, ding, ding.

"Nate, can I ask you a question?" I wondered, watching Nate's eyes return to me. He looked at me unsettlingly as I felt the rest of the court's eyes on me as well.

"Fine." Nate agreed, sitting back down in his chair cautiously.

"What was Aleks wearing that night?" I inquired, watching his expression turn from irritated to confused.

"What the hell kind of question is that?" He asked, anger still present in his eyes.

"The night this all happened, what was Aleks wearing when you came back? Could you describe it?" I wondered, needing to hear his reply.

"Uh...he was wearing a black t-shirt and basketball shorts, he had changed for bed after I had left, I guess." Nate seemed to calm down slightly while he responded.

"Black t-shirt and basketball shorts..." I repeated to myself as I bobbed my head vaguely. "And, he kept that shirt on the whole time, right? He didn't take it off or remove it at all?"

Nate gave me a odd glare before reciprocating. "Yes, he kept it on the whole time." He clarified, keeping his eyes on me.

"Well, if he kept his shirt on the whole time, and the only thing you did was hit him, how   
did he get those scars on his back?"

The room fell even quieter.

"Scars? What scars?" Jared questioned, looking at Nate, then to me. Nate didn't say a word after that, his glare turning a bit more afraid.

I had got him.

"Aleks has scars on his back from when it happened, and he sure as hell didn't have them beforehand." I explained, peeling my eyes away from Nate's. "And if he can clearly remember what Aleks was wearing, he can remember more about that night." 

Jared turned around to face Aleks, shock written on both of their faces. "Is this true about the scars, Mr. Marchant?" Jared asked as Aleks nodded his head as a response. "If so...do you mind if we take a look...?" Aleks seemed to stiffen in his seat as he looked up at me, vulnerability in his look.

"It's okay, Aleks..." I whispered to him as he stood up from his seat slowly. "It's alright..." I felt sick to my stomach by making Aleks do this, but once he did, it would only help our side of the ordeal. Aleks let go of a quick breath before gradually taking off his suit jacket and placing it on his chair. He then removed his tie, I could see him tremble from here which made me tear up. "I'm sorry..." I quietly mumbled, unsure if he even heard me.

He leisurely undid each button, and with uncertainty, turned around and removed his shirt. Many gasps were heard, even from Nate. Then...nothing... My eyes were glued to Aleks' back again like the first time, wiping away tears once I saw the scratches.  
So deep. A pale red. All different sizes and lengths. Near his shoulder blades, surrounding his spine, on the small of his back, and the sides. So much pain he endured...I just wanted it to go away...

"Mr. Wilson, you may take your seat." Sylvia's voice trembled as she spoke, aiming her head away from Aleks completely. "We will continue with the session after a twenty minute recess." She banged her gavel as I stood up from the stand, and back over to Aleks.

My eyes looked over to Nate again, he was still looking over in Aleks' direction, flabbergasted. He looked up at me as I   
walked by, darkness still consuming his look.

His own doing was working against him, and I was glad.

I returned to Aleks as he had placed his tie back around his neck and his shirt was re-buttoned, his eyes aimed down. I held his face in my hand and positioned his head to look at me as I spoke. "I'm so sorry I made you do that." I apologized as the jury began to stand up. "I knew you were afraid, and I am so sorry..." I couldn't hold back the tears this time. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay, James." Aleks replied, tears still in his eyes, but he smiled. It was small, but it held so much assurance. "It's alright, it's alright. You did what you needed to do, and now we have a greater chance of winning. Because of you." His last words were a whisper as he wiped my tears away with his thumb. "It's alright, you did great. I'm so proud of you James, you have no idea. I'm so proud." He pulled me in for a hug to which I immediately accepted. 

"It's okay, it's okay." He mumbled as I sobbed into the crook of his neck. "You did nothing wrong, that is the complete opposite of what you did." He pulled away and looked at me sincerely. "I'm proud of you, don't feel bad. You did amazing, you did amazing." I couldn't help, but smile at his words.

"We're proud of you, James." I turned my head to see Jordan smile, rubbing his eyes slightly. "You guys are going to do good, I   
know it." 

"Thank you, Jordan. Thank you all." They all smiled when my eyes trailed from one to the next. "Thank you."

"No, thank you!"Aleks thanked me, making me turn my head back to him. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here right now. I owe you so much, and I can't help, but thank you. Thank you, thank you." Aleks wrapped his   
arms around me again, holding me closer.

"And I don't want you to be afraid when you   
go up there." I murmured in to his ear as I ceased my crying. "You're brave, I know you are. You look at Nate in the eye, and show him how it is. You're gonna be okay, you are okay. And I'm glad I have you." 

"And I'm lucky to have you." He murmured back, kissing me on the cheek.

This is what true love felt like.  
* * * * * * * * * 

Aleks shook in his seat as the time neared for his turn on the stand. He kept glancing up at the stand in that twenty minute break, keeping his gaze locked on it for a few seconds, before looking back down at his hands. For twenty minutes he did this. Glance, look down, glance, look down. 

Tremble.

The jury started filing back in, which meant the court session wasn't far behind. And Aleks still wasn't ready. I placed my hand on his back as he looked up at me, you could just see then panic in his eyes.

"Don't worry, Aleks, you're going to be fine." I reassured him as he looked down and sniffled. "Look, I know you're afraid, fear always seems to win." He raised his head back up, I'm guessing that's what he believed. "But, it doesn't have to. You can fight this, I know you can. Just remember when you're up there, that when this is all over, no matter what happens, you will always have me." I smiled to ease him as he gave a small smile back. 

He placed his arms around me as we hugged, I whispered 'it's okay' over and over into his ear. I sighed as I opened my eyes, looking around the courtroom as I met eyes with a member of the jury, a young, blonde woman no older than thirty. She smiled when she saw me and nodded her head, me doing the same with a bigger smile than before. I closed my eyes again, burrowing my head into the crook of Aleks' neck as the judge returned to her podium and Nate alongside Jared walked into the room.

We let go of one another and shared one last smile before Sylvia cleared her throat. "This court is now in session, continuing from the last mark." She banged her gavel, letting go of a short breath. "Mr. Marchant," She started, her voice quiet as she presumably remembered the scars, "you may now take the stand. And if at any point you need to stop or if you aren't comfortable, just let me know." 

Aleks nodded as he stood up from his seat, inhaling quietly before making his way up to the stand. The final testimony before the verdict. 

My heart was sent racing.

We had been in here well over two hours, the sun's position in the sky different from where it once was when we entered. This place was overwhelming, the people, information, story, and secrets all being too much to handle. But, I had to stick it through. My love was now testifying, and I couldn't just leave him to fend for himself.

I stayed for him.

Aleks agreed to tell the truth as he sat back in his seat, Sharon walking up to the stand for the last time today. "Aleks," She sweetly greeted him as he smiled timidly, "in your own time, I'd like you to explain from your side, what happened on the night of July seventh." She explained thoroughly, ending with a kind smile.

Aleks let go of a small breath before beginning, I knew this would be tough for him. But, he could manage. I knew he could. "That night, Nate and myself found ourselves arguing again about his lack of commitment. I was a bit upset with it, so I tried to address it. I didn't know so many fights would be revolved around it." He swallowed, he was okay so far.

So far...

"Abruptly, Nate left, and of course I knew to where, to the bar down the street. Whenever we argued at my place, that bar would be where he'd end up. He'd usually come back the morning after, apologizing with a horrible headache. But, not that night..."

"It's okay, Aleks, continue." Sharon told him, her voice calm.

"He came back the same night, around nine. When I found out he was drunk, I guess I got a bit angered. And, then Nate entered my apartment and we started fighting again. I was sick of the fighting, over that month together, that was all we ever did. So, I told him that I didn't want that anymore and that I didn't want to see him no longer." Aleks stayed very calm, taking a few breaths here and there. 

I was proud.

"How did he react to that?" Sharon questioned, her green eyes filled with compassion.

"Not well..." Aleks' voice trailed off as he sat straighter in his seat and looked down. I looked over at Nate, expecting and seeing an irritated look. There was that scowl again... "Nate got very angry and he said that I was an idiot that needed to be set straight." Aleks closed his eyes and took in a quick breath, aiming his head back up. I wished I could just go up there and hold him...

"And, that's when he hit me. It made my lip bleed...and he hit me again and again..." He sighed. "It hurt so much..." I turned away, too upset to see him fall apart up there. 

"What happened next, Aleks?"

He sniffled before saying further. "He...he pulled me up and pinned my arms behind me. I couldn't stop him..." He let go of a long exhalation, the others allowing him to take his time.

"Oh God..." I mumbled to myself, remembering his explanation to me. I placed my head in my hand as I sighed weakly, trying hard to keep my composure. I then felt a hand place itself on my shoulder, I lifted my head to see the hand belonged to Jordan.

"It's okay, James. He's okay." He whispered, making me have more faith in Aleks. He can do it, I know he can... 

...I hope he can...

"...he...he then dragged into my bedroom and he...h-he..." Aleks tried to get out the word, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"That's alright, you don't have to say it, Aleks." Sharon reassured, her voice mollifying. "Just take a breath, Aleks. And when you're ready, I want you to tell me what happened afterwards. Okay?" She asked as Aleks nodded, taking a deep breath as Sharon advised.

"Great show." I heard Nate whisper as I turned my head to face him. He smirked as I stared at him angrily.

If looks could kill...no, killing Nate would be too nice...

"Afterwards," Aleks spoke up, drawing my attention back to him, "he started saying things to me."

"What did he say, Aleks?"

"He...," He cleared his throat, "he said, pardon my language, he said, 'You know what, Aleks? You are f...fucking worthless. You're so weak, you didn't even put up a fight. Pathetic. ...Fucking pathetic.'" He paused for a moment. "And then he just left. He just left me there..."

No one spoke for a while after that, everyone seeming afraid. Aleks didn't continue, that's where that part of the story ended. Sharon didn't ask anymore questions, Sylvia didn't inform the court of what was next. Nate didn't comment further, and Jared didn't even make eye contact with Aleks. Aleks looked up and over towards me, and I smiled at him. He didn't fall apart like I had feared, he pulled himself together and said what needed to be said.

He smiled back as he turned his head. "I thought I was going to live my life in fear. I was too afraid to tell anybody, and I thought it would stay that way." Aleks spoke up, the jury's full attention was on him. "But, I found someone to trust. James...," The jury looked over at the mention of me, "he really helped me. I wouldn't be sitting in this courtroom right now if it weren't for him.

"And, no, I don't mean to say that to persuade you or to win you over," He turned his gaze to the jury, "I'm just saying that because it's the truth. I wouldn't be who I am right now if it weren't for James." I felt myself shyly smile.

"When you guys decide whether Nate is innocent or guilty," He paused, meeting eyes with every member, "I want you to go with what you strongly believe in. Nothing more." 

That's my Aleks.

"Um...Jared, do you have any questions for Aleks?" Sharon wondered, her green eyes seeming to find a truce with his blue ones.

He shook his head. "None that I can think of." His voice was quiet as he sat back in his seat.

"Thank you, Mr. Marchant. You may now take your seat." The judge informed him as he nodded and stood up, walking back to his seat, followed by Sharon.

"That was beautiful." I whispered to him as   
he smiled, the glowing in his eyes returning. "You did terrific. I love you." 

"Alright, it is now time for a the jury to discuss and reach a verdict. Valerie," Sylvia spoke to the member of the jury I met eyes with earlier. Valerie, such a pretty name. "How long do you suppose you'll need?" 

She spoke with the other members, all agreeing on a time. "Half an hour should suffice." Valerie responded, placing a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"That time is granted. Half an hour recess, then the jury will announce the verdict." Sylvia banged her gavel, the jury rising immediately to talk further. 

"You two did great out there." Sharon complimented as she smiled. "I'm amazed, I really am. I think we're going to be okay." She smiled one last time before making her way out of the room.

"God, I'm nervous..." Aleks mumbled, tugging on his gray tie slightly. 

"So am I." I admitted, chuckling uneasily.

"You guys have no reason to be, I'm sure you'll do fine." Kevin told us, his eyes meeting Aleks', then mine. 

"Besides, in the end, you have each other. I think that's what's really important." Spencer added, nodding his head.

"Winning's pretty nice, too." Seamus joked, causing Aleks and myself to chuckle along with the rest of them.

"I wonder what's going to happen." Dan wondered, studying the now empty rows of where the jury once sat, and where they'll sit again.

"We'll just have to wait and see." Jordan told us. "In the meantime, why don't we all just talk? Like before?" 

We all liked the sound of that.

"So, Kevin," I started, "remember that time you shit yourself at work?"  
* * * * * * * 

"This is it." I muttered, turning around in my seat and watching the jury walking in, one by one. 

"Oh God..." Aleks mumbled, taking in a shallow breath. Shallow seemed to be appropriate, I couldn't breathe either. Every moment of today and in the past has been boiling down to this. This very moment in this very room with these very people. Jordan, Kevin, and the rest of our friends, Sharon, Jared, Sylvia, Nate, Valerie, with the other eleven jury members.

And Aleks.

Everything was leading to this moment. I felt so many things. Anticipation. Worry. Fear. Bravery. Love. Hatred. Readiness. Reluctance. And above all, my heart pounding out of control.

Sylvia turned to the jury just like the rest of the case had. "Valerie, has the jury made a decision?" Sylvia wondered, how could she be so calm at a time like this? Where the fate of our worst nightmare was hanging in the balance? I wished I had her composure...

"We have, your honor." Valerie answered, standing up from her seat. I felt my legs became numb, realizing that this was it. After that say, there would be no more. She smoothed out her black skirt before standing straighter. "In the case between Nathan L. Dagen and Aleksandr V. Marchant," 

I closed my eyes.

"We the jury find the defendant..."


	15. Chapter 15: A Kiss Like That

(James' POV Continued)

"We the jury find the defendant..."

Time seemed to freeze, the past playing in my mind as I felt Aleks' hand hold mine. Tightly. I remembered it all, the night Aleks told me. Our first night sharing a bed. Telling the others at the office. Massaging Aleks' back on that rainy day. Admitting my love. Aleks saying 'we can have something'. Aleks destroying his other bedroom. Me singing him to sleep. Moving his belongings into my apartment the next day. Aleks cooking me breakfast. Him holding me as I told him about Dante. The day we returned back to the office. Rubbing Aleks' stomach as he fell asleep. The pre-trial. Our first fight. The way we made amends. When we got to know one another again. Aleks fighting off Dante for me. Sharing our very first kiss last night.

To now.

"...guilty." Valerie finished her statement as the both of us raised our heads in shock. "Of the violation, abuse, and rape of twenty-three year old Aleksandr Marchant."

I smiled wide, Nate had lost...

"And lying on oath." Valerie added.

I smiled wider.

"Have you discussed a punishment?" Sylvia questioned, gavel at hand.

"Fifteen years for the abuse of Aleks, plus an additional five years for lying in the court of law." The blonde female addressed. 

"The defendant will be sentence twenty years in the state prison without bail, parole will be discussed in years to come." 

The gavel was banged. The saying had been said. The court was over.

The court was over... 

"We won..." Aleks mumbled to himself, turning his head back to me. "We won..." He repeated, tears filling his eyes as he smiled. He laughed slightly, shaking his head. "We won, we won!" The look of pure joy was plastered on his face. "We won, James! We won!" He threw his arms around me and held me close to him, I couldn't help, but let a few tears of my own escape.

We had won. No more court trials. No more suffering. No more stress, no more fears, no more getting dressed in obnoxious suits on hot summer days. No more Nate.

That was music to my ears.

"Oh my God, we won James...I can't believe it..." Aleks' voice whispered, happiness taking over him.

"Neither can I...we won..." It felt so good saying it. We conquered. We triumphed. We won. And Nate wasn't coming back for a long, long time.

Knowing that was pure bliss. 

But, I then learned something new that sounded even better.

"I love you." Aleks muttered, his words making the world seem to stop moving, everyone else was gone, it was just us. "I...I love you. I love you, I do." He pulled away and cupped the side of my face, smiling contently, tears still streaming down his face. "Now you don't have to have a sense of knowing. You can just...know." 

He placed us in a second embrace, I now crying as well. "I love you, I love you, I love you, James, I love you." Aleks muttered again and again, holding me closer to him.

"I love you, too." I whispered back. I was loved. And that was the best feeling in the world....

"I love you, I love you so much. I love you." The world surrounding us started coming back into view, the others were now up in the front with us. Aleks let go and smiled at me before hugging all of the rest of our friends. 

Jordan found his way next to me and smiled. "I'm proud of you, James. I really am, I'm glad you could be here for Aleks."

"He said he loves me..." I mumbled, looking back up to Jordan. His smile grew wider at my words. "He loves me, Jordan, he loves me..." I wiped away a few tears as Jordan and I shared a hug.

"I'm so happy for you two." Jordan told me, sounding as if he were getting a bit choked up. "So dern sure happy." I couldn't help, but laugh at that.

"Come on! I want to see James yell at the reports to go fuck themselves!" Dex snickered as he ran towards the door, nearly tripping on his way out.

"Come on, we better get going, he might get lost." Jordan joked as he removed himself from our hug, patted my shoulder one last time, and headed for the exit. I met up with Aleks again and smiled at him, him doing the same once looking up at me.

"Let's go home." He mumbled.

"Sounds good to me."  
* * * * * * * *

Aleks laughed as he entered the apartment, spinning in circles as he admired our apartment like the first time he came here. Except, now was better. He wasn't scared. He wasn't upset. He wasn't tired, or nervous, or afraid. He was happy. And that's a feeling neither of us felt in a while. 

I closed the door and chuckled at his giddiness. The smile on his face, the blush taking over his cheeks, the laughs emitting from his mouth. All were repairing my heart, and I couldn't control my joy either. 

Aleks stopped and looked at me, his smile being the number one thing I missed about him. And the number one thing I loved about him. "I love you, James." He said again, I didn't think his smile could grow any bigger.

"I love you, Aleks." I returned, walking closer to him and meeting my lips with his. It felt right to kiss him, I knew he never would violate my love. It felt good to kiss him, I had someone out there to show my affection to. It felt amazing to kiss him, the kisses between us were filled with nothing, but passion.

But, this one was a bit more than that...

Our kiss soon led to wandering hand, exploring one another's bodies. I couldn't stop myself, I was too in-the-moment to think twice. We soon started walking back towards our room, I quickly shut the door once the both of us were inside. 

We fell back onto the bed, and that's where I caught myself. I pulled back slowly, realizing what was going on and what we had discussed about this. Aleks did say we were to have sex eventually, but was now too soon? Was Aleks ready? Was I ready?

I looked at my body on top of Aleks', his legs wrapped around my waist by instinct. I looked back down at him underneath of me, him looking at the space between the two of us in wonder. Yet, fear.

Aleks never had sex before. What Nate did to him didn't count. Well, not to me. He was new to this, uncomfortable with situations such as this. Frankly, terrified of situations like this. Last time he was in one, it scarred him for life. Would he be able to learn that it's not scary? That I wouldn't hurt him? That  
it doesn't hurt? 

"If you're not ready to do this, we don't have to." I informed him, leaning back farther away from him. 

"No." He told me, making me return my gaze to him from the blanket. "I...I want t-to do this. I want to show you h-how much I love you." He explained, stopping himself from stuttering so much. He expelled a breath before speaking again. "I'm ready." He told me, nodding his head.

We shared a small smile as I bent back down and placed a kiss on his delicate lips. That one kiss led to so much more...

I had never felt so much pleasure in my entire life. The feeling of him moving above me as I moved with him was sensational. His body felt as if it were made for mine, and I loved everything about him. From his light kisses to the way he ran his hands down mt chest, to the quiet whispers of my name to his pure expression of ecstasy. Everything about him was beautiful, even the innocence of his moans when he reached his breaking point...

The room was spinning.

I stared up at the ceiling as I tried to catch my breath, my vision blurred from the satisfaction. The blanket felt nice against my skin, cooling me down slightly. I closed my eyes as I smiled weakly, drained of almost all of my energy. I felt the best I had in years.

The room seemed to slow down somewhat as I felt a pressure add onto my chest.

I looked down to see Aleks lay his head down on my torso, also trying to calm his breathing. He placed his right hand on the other side of my chest, right where my heart was. His hair was everywhere, but that didn't matter.

He looked beautiful. As beautiful as ever...

Aleks took a few long breaths before talking. "That...was a...amazing." He breathlessly whispered, smiling to himself as he closed his eyes.

"It was..." I agreed, gaining control over my breaths again.

"We...we should do this more often..." Aleks joked as the both of us laughed, the glorious sound of our voices blending together returning. I kissed his forehead lightly as I rested my head against the pillow, sighing at the softness.

And ever since that moment, I knew everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter guys!


	16. Chapter 16: Epilogue/ Good Morning

(Aleks' POV)

I looked down at the time, just a couple minutes past seven in the morning. I had time for a detour, James wouldn't be waking up any time soon. I turned on my turn signal and headed left, ready for the trip down. Ready for the flashbacks that came with memory lane.

I took a quick breath, I hadn't been down this road in quite some time. But, that didn't mean I didn't remember. Remember what was on this road, and what happened there. One building was what I was searching for, a building that played a big part of my past. It balanced it with another, but this building was first.

Road wise, and on my sight seeing list.

And, there it was.

The courthouse.

Everything about it was still the same, the sidewalk, the stairs, the black railing with the slight dent in the last pillar. The gray painting of the building, the two stories, and my story. My story of tragedy, my story of pain, my story of remorse. But, also my story of recovery. My story of silver linings. My story of finding someone to love.

And someone who loves me.

I remembered my feelings when coming here for the trial. Terrified, worried, anxious. When I called myself weak, when I was labeled as broken, when I was nothing, but pathetic. But, now I know I'm not. Not to James, not to the other Creatures, not even to myself anymore. I've risen from that stage, and found out I'm needed, I'm accepted, I'm loved. 

In so many ways.

I looked at the banister lining the stairway, remembering its importance from the first time I arrived. On the way in, I held onto it just in case, but on the way out, I held onto it tightly after my world had been cracked open. Then thrown away...temporarily... 

Those stairs were meaningful, too. How nervous I was stepping onto each one as I entered, and how proud I was walking down them when the final hearing had ended. I didn't need that railing to hold onto, just a hand. Not to keep balance, but to just hold. For comfort, for victory, for affection.

And, ever since that day I've never let that hand go.

I drove past, catching the last glimpse of the building in the rear view mirror. Going, going...gone. Just like Nate. Locked away, earning his twenty years in that hell hole. I would never have to see that monster again. His midnight eyes. His shaggy hair. His deceiving smile. His broad personality...his ever changing, bitter, bi-polar personality.

All fading, like a real nightmare.

Like my bruises. My cut lip. My mark on my wrist, James had taught me how to stop rubbing it. Think of the good things that happened so far...now think of the more to come. Since he told me that, the pink mark had faded, leaving nothing except the line where my tattoo began.

All had seemed to be gone.

Yet, the memories stayed. The feeling of being thrown to the floor, the blood leaving my lip, my hands forcefully held together by him, the fear of knowing what would happen next. And the pain didn't compare to what I thought it would be... 

And, the scars stayed. They would always stay. Branding my back to always remember how I got them. Who put them there. Why. When. Where. They made me uncomfortable, making me feel ugly and rejected. Different. They showed what I went through, and most couldn't stand looking at them.

I was glad I couldn't...

But, James said they made me beautiful. In his eyes, they proved the courage within me. The bravery. The hardship, but the extra valor that drove me to win. He still rubbed my back every now and again, kissing each scar until my pain went away. He showed me that he loved every part of me, and every part was as gorgeous as he said.

He saved me from it all. The crumbling of my world, my life, myself. He noticed something, and he cared enough to know more. He was strong enough for the both of us, even when he thought he wasn't. He fixed me to make me better than I was, to make me bolder, more valiant, able to withstand any terror. With him or without him by my side, I could be as brave as James saw me. Not everytime, but that was forgivable. 

I was still recovering.

I could stay stable if I had another nightmare. They weren't all completely gone... I wouldn't panic if there was a reminder of Nate. Of what he did. Of what he said. I would chase my fear away if any flashbacks were to come to mind. Any memories not worth remembering. But, forced themselves to be seen anyway. 

Yet, I wasn't strong all the time. But, that was okay. If he saw that I couldn't control the fear, James would always hold me in his arms until the tears stopped, until the whimpering was discontinued, until the anxiety attack was over. I would have them from time to time, once, perhaps twice, every few weeks. Just another part of my post traumatic stress disorder...

I still had my bad days. Though, they weren't as bad as they once were. My P.T.S.D. didn't consume me like it once did, I was learning how to deal with it. I was balancing it out nicely, along with James' help. He showed me not to be afraid, not to hide, not to run away. But, to stare at my problems in the eye and take control over them.

I felt in power. I hadn't felt like that in a long time...

I drove down a familiar street and turned a familiar corner which met a familiar apartment building. I parked out front and looked up, knowing what this place was, and what happened here. I couldn't go in, of course, someone else was living there. Unknowing of the events that took place in that bedroom...but, with it being the time it has, I'm sure the ominous feel of the room had dissipated.

In that apartment was where I was beaten. Where I was taken advantage of. Where I was...after all this time, I still had trouble saying it... As much as it shouldn't have, it still mocked me. My life changed in there, my direction re-routed. To a dark path, potholes to get stuck in, woods surrounding it to get lost in, with no light to see, you could be walking in circles, and never know.

But, I was taken away from that. Slowly, a light flooded everything around me. And, it only kept getting brighter. 

That's how it's been. For a year. Over 365 days of continuous light streaming into my life. Also, a year since the darkness. A year since it happened. A year since I told James. A year since the pre-trial, and our first fight. A year since we made amends. A year since the court case and since Nate was sentenced.

A year since James and I have been together.

A year since I've stepped foot into that apartment. And, I never would again as I watched it disappear off into the distance as I drove away, towards home. 

Our home.

Throughout this year, I've never been happier.

James pays attention to me, he cares about me and can't help, but show it. He's taught me how to love again, let me know that there's nothing to fear, that I don't need to be afraid of affection, it even being the smallest of things, like trust. Since then, we've shared a lot secrets, and back stories of the two of us. A few things from Nate and I he didn't know about, and a few things between himself and Dante. 

We've also shared things on a more intimate level. We held hands a lot more often. We shared more hugs. More kisses, some more passionate than others. And some of those kisses led to other things... James got that I was still afraid, and he knew that I was learning not to be. He didn't make sex a scary thing, if only, he's made me more familiar with it. We've had it a few times over this year, and with each time, I was a little less afraid.

I was getting used to this relationship thing.

After a twenty minute car ride, I exited my vehicle once outside of the apartment building. I closed the door as I held a bouquet of flowers in my hand, a present for James. Most people would've chosen roses, but James said carnations were his favorite. I remembered his laugh after he had admitted that...

I entered the building and walked up to our floor, unlocking the apartment door and stepping in. I looked around and sighed happily, just like I always did when I came home. Whether if it was from going to work, or having an outing with the Creatures, or even just a simple run like getting flowers, I was always relieved to see home.

The kitchen to my right. The living room straight ahead. A hallway to my left, the rooms within being the bathroom, James' recording room, my recording room, and a closet. I looked back ahead of me to see a door separating the living room from the other side.

The bedroom. Our bedroom.

I walked to the door and opened it cautiously, hearing myself giggle at the sight of James still asleep. I smiled at his light snores as I made my way to the bed, and sat down on the edge near James. I cupped his face with my free hand, stroking his cheek gently.

I've been with this man for a year. And I've enjoyed every moment of it.

This man is my hero, without him, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't be strong, I wouldn't be fierce, I wouldn't be loved. This man is my angel, looking after me with all of his heart. Reassuring me, guiding me, helping me. This man is intricate, he's not just what appears to be on the surface. He has layers of feelings, emotions, desires, and needs. 

This man is not immortal. He's human. He feels happiness. He feels pain. And he reacts to it promptly. He undergoes success. He undergoes failure. And he handles it in his own way. He deals with contentment. He deals with misery. And he only heads up from there.

That's what humans do. What James does, and what he's helping me with.

I placed a light kiss on his lips, doing all, but hiding my love for him. Since we had won that court trial, I had realized that James was who was supposed to be there for me. Supposed to help me. And I was meant to love him. There was no other way to label it. It was far more than admiration. Beyond fondness. Higher than appreciation, inspiration, and devotion.

Love. That was the only way.

I love James Wilson.

James inhaled sharply as he opened his eyes, smiling once he met mine. "Good morning." I whispered to him as he slowly sat himself up, his grin never leaving his face.

"Morning." He greeted back, rubbing his eyes while brushing his curly hair back.

As he opened his eyes fully, I handed him the flowers. They weren't a present for anything. My birthday had already passed, his birthday wasn't even near. No holiday was today, and our year anniversary was celebrated two months ago.

I just got him flowers...because.

Because I love him, and it makes me happy to know that there's someone out there I can give flowers to.

"Aleks..." He mumbled as he delicately took the flowers from me, smiling with tears in his eyes. "You remembered..." He muttered not long after, once realizing what type of flower they were. He lifted his head back up to me, drying his tears. "You're such an asshole." He playfully mumbled as the both of us chuckled. "Thank you." 

"I love you." I told him as he replied with the three same words before planting a kiss on my lips. It felt just like our first kiss, a spark igniting and setting off an array of fireworks. It felt amazing, every kiss we shared did. It was as if my lips were made for his, and when they met, it was a feeling so... 

...incredible...

I pulled away, watching his eyes open as I did the same with mine. His amazing eyes scanned mine for a second, before drifting down, then lifting back up. His smile grew a bitter smaller, but it was still there. Over time, I had learned the little things about him. Whenever he did that, it only meant he felt one thing.

Uncertainty.

He cleared his throat before he talked, I wondered what he felt unknown about. What he was debating, and whether the urge won or lost. "Uh...can I ask you something?" He questioned, his voice quiet.

I nodded my head, smiling to give James a bit more confidence. I noticed he always did that with me. And everytime, it always worked. James let go of a quick breath, seeing my smile as his grew a bit wider. He held the flowers closer to him as he spoke.

He asked his question.

My smile grew greater as I answered with glossy eyes.

 

 

James and I are getting married in the spring.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading the first chapter! :D I hope you've enjoyed it thus far! I will try to update every Monday, if something occurs, I will let you know! Thanks for reading and I will see you in the next chapter!!


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